Theia's Shadow draft 2

[alonso ramoran]

Theia's Shadow

I wanted to spare you my story,
love I lost among the cardinals
that sang in the tree. I expected your
denial, the moon behind the clouds.

Your kindness is the night's
waxing pale eye, tracing
pale castles in the air and waved at
by elephants with branches in their trunks
after devastation fell from the sky.

Burning to forget
what scarred the living with vision
through the night, I
submitted to neurotic gods
existing in between
now and the sidereal.

Submission was asking,
if winter is only the distant sun
allowing space to dream,
to let this be the dream
as long as light is seen
and no longer felt:

the world revels in its quick return to
starry darkness. On the shore,
we danced around the fire, crying
nothing else but liberation, liberation,
in a language that
dissolved into
the dawn chorus.

Theia's Shadow v. 1

I wanted to spare you my story,
love I lost among the cardinals
that sang in the tree. I expected your
denial, the moon behind the clouds.

Your kindness is the night's
waxing pale eye,
tracing pale castles in the air and waved at
by elephants with branches in their trunks
after earth
was sundered open.

Burning to forget
what scarred the living with vision
in the dark, I
submitted to the neurotic gods
that exist between
now and the sidereal.

If winter is only the distant sun
allowing space to dream,
let this be the dream so long
as light is seen
and no longer felt:

the world revels in its quick return to
empty darkness. On the shore,
we danced around the fire, crying
nothing else but liberation, liberation,
in a language that
dissolved into
the dawn chorus.

[Mark A Becker]

Well hello Alonso- been a while, so it's good to read you again!

I expected your
denial, the moon behind the clouds.
On the shore,
we danced around the fire, crying
nothing else but liberation, liberation,
in a language that
dissolved into
the dawn chorus.

For me, the poem comes down to the part I've extracted, and is stronger without the middle stanzas. I guess I just prefer shorter poems. There is nothing wrong with those middle sections, and they do contain well defined images, yet I think they dilute the message of loss. At least I read it as loss.

That said, I really like this phrase:
winter is only the distant sun
allowing space to dream

It seems that there are several poems layered within this one, and I'd like to see some other replies that may alter my interpretation.

Anywho-welcome back,
Mark

[alonso ramoran]

Well hello Alonso- been a while, so it's good to read you again!

I expected your
denial, the moon behind the clouds. 
On the shore,
we danced around the fire, crying
nothing else but liberation, liberation,
in a language that
dissolved into
the dawn chorus.

For me, the poem comes down to the part I've extracted, and is stronger without the middle stanzas. I guess I just prefer shorter poems. There is nothing wrong with those middle sections, and they do contain well defined images, yet I think they dilute the message of loss. At least I read it as loss.

That said, I really like this phrase:
winter is only the distant sun
allowing space to dream

It seems that there are several poems layered within this one, and I'd like to see some other replies that may alter my interpretation.

Anywho-welcome back,
Mark

Hi Mark,

Nice hearing from you again. I took a little break but I don't know how long I'll be back. I haven't had a lot of inspiration for poetry recently and my writing discipline has been in the shitter. So we shall see xD

I think it's fair to read the poem as a meditation on loss. It started as a shorter piece, and I would've preferred it remain a shorter piece, but it just got longer the more I thought about how I could tie it up at the end and give it more flow. The rework you suggested omits some details that I believe are vital, such as the penultimate stanza leading up to the last image and line. I will see how I can pare it down.

Thank you,
AR