Accented in Blue

[Pebbel~Lady]

Accented in blue 

Blue screen.
 My phone on again. 
My eyes cant tear away. 
One more scroll 
One more video 
One more game 
One more.
I cant get up again.
My brain foggy with the thoughts of a virtual existence.
One more, I tell myself again
One more 
And my nails are digging into my flesh, My skin, My screen, 
Again. 
One more.
I scold myself again I look at that time and see its night. 
How foolish!
i tell myself Im angry and sad and confused.
How could i let this happen?
Again? 
How many more times will i tell myself again? 
Really? 
Again?
One more time!! 
Again? 
Im almost done! 
Again?
Im doing it, again.
Again and again 
Over and over 
I feel so hopeless and breathless 
Im brought back to this reckless cycle each time i think its done
again 
And again 
And AGAIN. 
I lay there silently
Blue bathing me, 
accenting me. 
again. 
I question myself 
Each point making me lose myself. 
I feel anger and hatred and horror
At myself At the world At my friends At me. 
Again. 
And again I wonder. 
And i cry. 
Because again and again. 
Will i do it over.

[rowens]

For this to be memorable as a poem, you can use the old devices that uncannily make things affectively novel.

You have symbols-images, Blue, Time, Night, I. You have the theme of addiction and repetition in a night and near liminal space that includes a pressing yet liminal social context.

What can you do?
You can go into the brain fog, find the blue and the night and the friends and the angst there in that realm, and invent imagery and novel connections and musicality and bewitching turns of phrase.

I scold myself again I look at that time and see its night.

I scold myself and look at time and see night.

That line I manipulated is kinda jarring, kinda silly, kinda forced-sounding, yet, with a mood that supports it, given what you do with the lines around it, would be a memorable and potent line.

Things like that.

[Mark A Becker]

Hello pebble-
I removed most of the repetition, but didn't change a word.
Less would definitely be more with this one.

Accented in blue 

Blue screen
phone on
again
one more
scroll 
video 
game 
one more

foggy existence
nails digging in
to skin
look at time
again
one more night
again blue
again

[Pebbel~Lady]

Hello pebble-
I removed most of the repetition, but didn't change a word.
Less would definitely be more with this one.

Accented in blue 

Blue screen
phone on
again
one more
scroll 
video 
game 
one more

foggy existence
nails digging in
to skin
look at time
again
one more night
again blue
again

---

As much as i understand cutting the poem down as it is quite long, the repetition is the point. Its supposed to represent the spiral that one feels when they cant get themselves to do something and as much as you scold and yell at yourself to do it, you just cant. cutting the poem down as much as that removes the meaning, and the feeling. Thank you for reading my poem and giving me feedback, but the revision doesn't feel as emotional to me if that makes sense(?, but i do agree that it is quite long and that i could cut it back some.

---

For this to be memorable as a poem, you can use the old devices that uncannily make things affectively novel.

You have symbols-images, Blue, Time, Night, I. You have the theme of addiction and repetition in a night and near liminal space that includes a pressing yet liminal social context.

What can you do?
You can go into the brain fog, find the blue and the night and the friends and the angst there in that realm, and invent imagery and novel connections and musicality and bewitching turns of phrase.

I scold myself again I look at that time and see its night.

I scold myself and look at time and see night.

That line I manipulated is kinda jarring, kinda silly, kinda forced-sounding, yet, with a mood that supports it, given what you do with the lines around it, would be a memorable and potent line.

Things like that.

---

ooooh okay, so it'd be better if i tried to dig more into the imagery that i do have? if i were to revise this poem I should try to emphasize and expand on the symbols. I think i get what you are saying, Thank you so much!

[Mark A Becker]

It's yer poem, pebble,
This reader got the point within the first couple of lines. After that the repetition just got tedious.Especially when read aloud.Long is fine, but repeated repetition, not so much. Maybe it'll work better for other readers. Read it aloud, and see how it sounds to you, and listen for places for possible changes.

[Poet-dude-ig]

For this to be memorable as a poem, you can use the old devices that uncannily make things affectively novel.

You have symbols-images, Blue, Time, Night, I. You have the theme of addiction and repetition in a night and near liminal space that includes a pressing yet liminal social context.

What can you do?
You can go into the brain fog, find the blue and the night and the friends and the angst there in that realm, and invent imagery and novel connections and musicality and bewitching turns of phrase.

I scold myself again I look at that time and see its night.

I scold myself and look at time and see night.

That line I manipulated is kinda jarring, kinda silly, kinda forced-sounding, yet, with a mood that supports it, given what you do with the lines around it, would be a memorable and potent line.

Things like that.

 
I definitely agree with Rowens here with the inclusion of imagery, because the current version is very full of internal dialogue and during some points like where you say "one more minute" it's hard to tell if the narrator is telling someone else that or if its more internal dialogue, I think if it is telling another physical person then quotation marks would do it well. I really like the sort of imagery lines Rowen gave, but I thought I'd add a few of my own because I'd really love to see imagery and (atleast I my mind) more ideas are super helpful.

A good connection could be between the will to stop this cycle and the resurgence of addiction through notifications or updates to games or new seasons of a show. 
I substitute my blue with the oceans and the sky, but I never truly last; the tide falls and night vanquishes my blue. My only constant-- the messages and updates and every new episode. So I find solace in my forever blue.