Solitary

[carahmellow]

Solitary

Is my social bone broken?
Did it get fractured along the way?
"Out of sight, out of mind."
is a quote I’m known to say.

Though it isn’t untrue—
It doesn't mean I don’t care.
Things remind me of you often
and I wish that I could share.

But I’ve convinced myself I’m a burden.
That you don’t need me around.
A phone call from me
would induce an eye roll;
my ringtone—a dreaded sound.

Because you’re busy
as a mom,
an employee,
and a wife.
Why on earth would you need me
in your beautiful, chaotic life?

This is a narrative I have conjured,
though it's unlikely true;
I remain secluded in my refuge,
hammering a wedge 

between me and you.

[brynmawr1]

Hi Carahmellow,

I never know when people post in non-critique forums how much commentary they want.  So I just do it anyway.  I enjoyed your piece.  Some might find it a little on the telling side of showing, but I think in this context it is a stylistic decision that works for me.  Namely as a poem based on internal dialogue of reflection.  I do think that there could be some tightening of language that wouldn't hinder the conversational tone too much.  So if you are doing rewrites  I would recommend making S4 one sentence and punctuate accordingly.  Also L2 in S5 should be cut, IMO (too on the nose) and then rework the stanza to build into the metaphor of the wedge which offers a nice ending.  Another high point is the rhyme scheme.  It's consistent and very subtle but adds to the internal rhythm of the piece.  I hope you find these comments helpful.  If not, ignore away!
Thanks for the read,
Bryn

[carahmellow]

Hi Carahmellow,

I never know when people post in non-critique forums how much commentary they want.  So I just do it anyway.  I enjoyed your piece.  Some might find it a little on the telling side of showing, but I think in this context it is a stylistic decision that works for me.  Namely as a poem based on internal dialogue of reflection.  I do think that there could be some tightening of language that wouldn't hinder the conversational tone too much.  So if you are doing rewrites  I would recommend making S4 one sentence and punctuate accordingly.  Also L2 in S5 should be cut, IMO (too on the nose) and then rework the stanza to build into the metaphor of the wedge which offers a nice ending.  Another high point is the rhyme scheme.  It's consistent and very subtle but adds to the internal rhythm of the piece.  I hope you find these comments helpful.  If not, ignore away!
Thanks for the read,
Bryn

Thank you so much for all of this. I share my work here because I want people to read and enjoy it, but also to critique it if and when they feel inclined. My goal is not to pressure anyone—I want feedback to come naturally. Whether it’s a small observation or a more in-depth critique, I appreciate it all. So, truly, thank you!

[rowens]

Mello out mellow.

I'll read your poem now.

---

Solitary

Is my social bone broken?
Did it get fractured along the way?
"Out of sight, out of mind."
is a quote I’m known to say.

Though it isn’t untrue—
It doesn't mean I don’t care.
Things remind me of you often
and I wish that I could share.

But I’ve convinced myself I’m a burden.
That you don’t need me around.
A phone call from me
would induce an eye roll;
my ringtone—a dreaded sound.

Because you’re busy
as a mom,
an employee,
and a wife.
Why on earth would you need me
in your beautiful, chaotic life?

This is a narrative I have conjured,
though it's unlikely true;
I remain secluded in my refuge,
hammering a wedge 

between me and you.




You have a voice. You have a sense of rhythm. You are like a person in school talking.
Now . . . take all your literal cleverness and make it figurative, find the symbolic stuff, go with that, forget the real life stuff.


Play with the figurative stuff. 


Make poetry out of that. 

[carahmellow]

Mello out mellow.

I'll read your poem now.

---

Solitary

Is my social bone broken?
Did it get fractured along the way?
"Out of sight, out of mind."
is a quote I’m known to say.

Though it isn’t untrue—
It doesn't mean I don’t care.
Things remind me of you often
and I wish that I could share.

But I’ve convinced myself I’m a burden.
That you don’t need me around.
A phone call from me
would induce an eye roll;
my ringtone—a dreaded sound.

Because you’re busy
as a mom,
an employee,
and a wife.
Why on earth would you need me
in your beautiful, chaotic life?

This is a narrative I have conjured,
though it's unlikely true;
I remain secluded in my refuge,
hammering a wedge 

between me and you.




You have a voice. You have a sense of rhythm. You are like a person in school talking.
Now . . . take all your literal cleverness and make it figurative, find the symbolic stuff, go with that, forget the real life stuff.


Play with the figurative stuff. 


Make poetry out of that. 

thanks! sometimes, i think this is my biggest difficulty.... the figurative. I tend to lean into the conversational while loving the figurative. it's a balance im always trying to achieve.

[rowens]

Yeah, it sounds like you are talking to someone in rhyme with a haphazard meter.

That is ok to talk to that someone; but prolly they aren't who you are talking to. You are making a poem. You aren't talking, you're creating art.
You are creating new turns of phrase. That is what you can do. Turn your sentences that are expressing your ideas and feelings into unique phrases.
Do that, and then, if you can, make those things metered and rhymed.