02-05-2025, 03:24 PM (This post was last modified: 02-08-2025, 11:43 AM by brynmawr1.)
Addiction
From the first thrust,
that sinking in, heavier,
already feeling like more.
I love it, marveling
how swiftly
the world can be remade
small. I’m now a cloud
at the whimsy of the wind, or
reimagined from below,
a dragon, flying above
the mediocrity of living
leveled and weightless,
slipping frictionless; below
myriad greens and browns
offer a simple lattice of clarity,
detail diluted by distance
enlightens my world.
Let me tell you how it slows.
A slight leaning forward
felt at the hips, then the descent
castrating clouds until
stuttering I’m tethered again
by the monotonous gravity,
the mendacity of the taxi
to the gate where waits my wife,
my children’s arms. How I love
to fly.
Flying High
From the first thrust,
that sinking in
already feeling like more
I love it, marveling
how swiftly
the world can be remade
small, now a cloud
at the whimsy of the wind, or
reimagined from below,
a dragon, flying above
the mediocrity of living
leveled and weightless,
slipping frictionless; below
myriad greens and browns
offer a simple lattice of clarity,
detail diluted by distance my world
enlightened.
Should you know how it slows?
A slight leaning
forward at the hips, then
a decent that castrates the clouds
until the stuttering of the tether
and the mendacity of the taxi
waiting at the gate my wife,
my children’s arms. How I love
From the first thrust,
that sinking in
already feeling like more
I love it, marveling L2-L4 are awkward compared to the rest, 'like more' is probably whats tossing me
how swiftly
the world can be remade
small, now a cloud
at the whimsy of the wind, or
reimagined from below,
a dragon, flying above
the mediocrity of living
leveled and weightless,
slipping frictionless; below
myriad greens and browns
offer a simple lattice of clarity,
detail diluted by distance my world
enlightened. I enjoy the meandering whimsy of imagination, makes me think there's some medication to fly so high
Should you know how it slows?
A slight leaning
forward at the hips, then
a decent that castrates the clouds descent?
until the stuttering of the tether i don't know what's tethered
and the mendacity of the taxi is taxi literal here because you've landed or a verb or...
waiting at the gate my wife,
my children’s arms. How I love reminds me of that 'happy to see you' feeling people want dogs for
to fly. So much to love here wrapped up in a word. Nice job
From the first thrust,
that sinking in
already feeling like more
I love it, marveling L2-L4 are awkward compared to the rest, 'like more' is probably whats tossing me I'm going to have to work on that image
how swiftly
the world can be remade
small, now a cloud
at the whimsy of the wind, or
reimagined from below,
a dragon, flying above
the mediocrity of living
leveled and weightless,
slipping frictionless; below
myriad greens and browns
offer a simple lattice of clarity,
detail diluted by distance my world
enlightened. I enjoy the meandering whimsy of imagination, makes me think there's some medication to fly so high It could be read that way...
Should you know how it slows?
A slight leaning
forward at the hips, then
a decent that castrates the clouds descent? Ha, thanks. Spelling has alway been a weakness and spell check doesn't catch these mistakes
until the stuttering of the tether i don't know what's tethered
and the mendacity of the taxi is taxi literal here because you've landed or a verb or... got too abstract here, I think
waiting at the gate my wife,
my children’s arms. How I love reminds me of that 'happy to see you' feeling people want dogs for
to fly. So much to love here wrapped up in a word. Nice job
Hi CRNDLSM,
Thanks for stopping by and commenting.
Bryn
This is a fine piece. A few tweaks could be made here and there, but I think they'd be mostly optional.
(02-05-2025, 03:24 PM)brynmawr1 Wrote: Addiction
From the first thrust,
that sinking in, heavier,
already feeling like more. simple and effective line. "more" meaning the N wants more or is feeling the high
I love it, marveling
how swiftly
the world can be remade
small. I’m now a cloud
at the whimsy of the wind, or
reimagined from below,
a dragon, flying above
the mediocrity of living
leveled and weightless, i feel like "leveled and weightless" is describing the N's current state but the way it is written reads like the N is describing sobriety as "living leveled and weightless". Perhaps they view sober people as people without these worries that can force others to turn to drugs, so they're leveled and weightless.
slipping frictionless; below
myriad greens and browns
offer a simple lattice of clarity, If detail has been diluted, then what type of clarity does the N speak of? Could another verb like "form" replace "offer"?
detail diluted by distance nice d and l sounds and good phrasing
enlightens my world.
Let me tell you how it slows. The N addresses the audience directly, which I feel places the audience in some support group setting
A slight leaning forward
felt at the hips, then the descent
castrating clouds until "castrating" is interesting, possibly referring to the male N and the energy sapped from him as a "cloud"
stuttering I’m tethered again
by the monotonous gravity, "monotonous" is not scratching the right itch for me. I was thinking something along the lines of "relentless"?
the mendacity of the taxi
to the gate where waits my wife,
my children’s arms. How I love
to fly. I think you stuck the landing. Nice finish.
Flying High
From the first thrust,
that sinking in
already feeling like more
I love it, marveling
how swiftly
the world can be remade
small, now a cloud
at the whimsy of the wind, or
reimagined from below,
a dragon, flying above
the mediocrity of living
leveled and weightless,
slipping frictionless; below
myriad greens and browns
offer a simple lattice of clarity,
detail diluted by distance my world
enlightened.
Should you know how it slows?
A slight leaning
forward at the hips, then
a decent that castrates the clouds
until the stuttering of the tether
and the mendacity of the taxi
waiting at the gate my wife,
my children’s arms. How I love
