sewage drains

[midnightcowboy]

don't you all just want to stop the vain?
be distant in all that remains?
run into narrow alleys to repopulate in sewage drains?
be silent in any danger that has remained?
crowd-surf tile tunnels in a redundant haze?
repeat the priors; no maps or guides are given in a maze
repent for liars; we all gave time to this craze

[carahmellow]

don't you all just want to stop the vain?
be distant in all that remains?
run into narrow alleys to repopulate in sewage drains?
be silent in any danger that has remained?
crowd-surf tile tunnels in a redundant haze?
repeat the priors; no maps or guides are given in a maze
repent for liars; we all gave time to this craze

Great thoughtful poem, and to answer your question...Yes, I do... But for the critique...

don't you all just want to stop the vain? -Remove 'just' (unnecessary, and works really well without it.)
be distant in all that remains?
run into narrow alleys to repopulate in sewage drains? - remove 'to', and add a line breakbefore repopulate.
be silent in any danger that has remained?
crowd-surf tile tunnels in a redundant haze?
repeat the priors; no maps or guides are given in a maze
repent for liars; we all gave time to this craze

hope this helps! great work... excited to read more.

[PoetryfromtheSoul]

I love this poem every line speaks a story anf raises a question which makes you think of each individual line.

I'm new to this site and your the first poem I have wanted to comment on because it is the way I like to write poetry too.

[midnightcowboy]

I love this poem every line speaks a story anf raises a question which makes you think of each individual line.

I'm new to this site and your the first poem I have wanted to comment on because it is the way I like to write poetry too.

Thank you very much ><

[Mark A Becker]

Hello cowboy-
Almost every end-rhyme seems forced- most of the internal rhymes, too. That's as BASIC as i can be.
Re-think, review, and re-write, and you should be able to salvage this one. Needs more SHOW and less TELL.
... Mark

[midnightcowboy]

agreed with the end rhyming, I dont think there is much salvaging though,
might go back to the drawing board

Hello cowboy-
Almost every end-rhyme seems forced- most of the internal rhymes, too. That's as BASIC as i can be.
Re-think, review, and re-write, and you should be able to salvage this one. Needs more SHOW and less TELL.
... Mark

[midnightcowboy]

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don't you all just want to stop the vain?
be distant in all that remains?
run into narrow alleys to repopulate in sewage drains?
be silent in any danger that has remained?
crowd-surf tile tunnels in a redundant haze?
repeat the priors; no maps or guides are given in a maze
repent for liars; we all gave time to this craze

Great thoughtful poem, and to answer your question...Yes, I do... But for the critique...

don't you all just want to stop the vain? -Remove 'just' (unnecessary, and works really well without it.)
be distant in all that remains?
run into narrow alleys to repopulate in sewage drains? - remove 'to', and add a line breakbefore repopulate.
be silent in any danger that has remained?
crowd-surf tile tunnels in a redundant haze?
repeat the priors; no maps or guides are given in a maze
repent for liars; we all gave time to this craze

hope this helps! great work... excited to read more.

thank you for the insightful response lemme edit and try once more

don't you all want to stop the vain?
be distant in all that remains?
run into narrow alleys 
repopulate in sewage drains?
be silent in any danger that has stained?
crowd-surf tile tunnels in a redundant haze?
repeat the priors; no maps or guides are given in a maze
repent for liars; we all gave time to this craze so keep on dreaming

[Jamiefarmer]

don't you all just want to stop the vain?
be distant in all that remains?
run into narrow alleys to repopulate in sewage drains?
be silent in any danger that has remained?
crowd-surf tile tunnels in a redundant haze?
repeat the priors; no maps or guides are given in a maze
repent for liars; we all gave time to this craze

The last line, “line we all gave time to this craze”, which refers to the rest of the poem in the “craze” left me really thinking about the craze, it’s good. “Crowd surf tile-tunnels” is great and it makes me imagine new things, but I feel like “in a redundant haze” has less meaning, because “redundant” and “haze” are pretty vague or broad. Overall a great poem.

[Poet-dude-ig]

don't you all want to stop the vain?
be distant in all that remains?
run into narrow alleys
repopulate in sewage drains?
be silent in any danger that has stained?
crowd-surf tile tunnels in a redundant haze?
repeat the priors; no maps or guides are given in a maze
repent for liars; we all gave time to this craze so keep on dreaming

I love the varying forms of imagery you use throughout this poem. One thing that I think could make this poem that much better would be to unify the length of the lines, or to integrate a few more line-breaks than there currently is. I feel like the final 4 words: "So keep on dreaming" are kind of like a mic drop moment of vast importance, but the line-spacing kind of just throws it at the end of the line and lessens the impact of this finalizing line. Overall I love this poem; take my feedback with a grain of salt for I am a single perspective in a world of many.

[edeno]

Hi, I feel like what you're trying to say is restricted by the rhymes you chose. You need to give it some space, let it breath. I'd love to see what this looks likes when you've smoothed out the kinks. Best, Eden