NEWBIE looking for tips

[PoetryfromtheSoul]

Tree of Life

For what if, in a past life I were a tree

Standing in nature, so tall and so free

Facing each season alive and anew

You'll say to yourself how much I've grew

With each spring comes the Bloom

For every leave I make room

Eager to know

To learn and to grow

For each of these leaves are precious to me

For without these leaves I am not a tree

And together we face the season to come

These leaves are my friends we're unified as one.

And Yes they may wither and fall
But a lesson has been learnt from each one and all

For trees provide energy, oxygen and air

Extending each of its branches sheltering us with care

Yet all that you see is my branches and trunk

But deep below the earth is where my roots have been sunk

For what you see is merely a tree

but deep inside there lives me.

[carahmellow]

Tree of Life

For what if, in a past life I were a tree

Standing in nature, so tall and so free (wondering if this line is important... it doesn't say much, and feels as though its only their for rhyme.)

Facing each season alive and anew

You'll say to yourself how much I've grew (this should technically be grown... Grown is used with words like "has" "had" or "have")

With each spring comes the Bloom

For every leave I make room (not sure if this is supposed to be Leaf... the plural would be leaves. but leave isnt a noun)

Eager to know

To learn and to grow

For each of these leaves are precious to me

For without these leaves I am not a tree (maybe you could come up with a new way of saying leaves... foliage, greenery... leaves again feels repetative, especially because you use it again later in the poem as well.)

And together we face the season to come

These leaves are my friends we're unified as one.

And Yes they may wither and fall

But a lesson has been learnt from each one and all (rhyme feels a little bit forced... because it could technically end on "one" but "and all" is added just for rhymes sake)

For trees provide energy, oxygen and air

Extending each of its branches sheltering us with care

Yet all that you see is my branches and trunk

But deep below the earth is where my roots have been sunk

For what you see is merely a tree

but deep inside there lives me. (This is worded a bit oddly. I think it's the word "there"... because you are talking about an object, "there" doesn't feel like the right word choice... I would suggest working this line a bit more... make it impactful since its the closing line. Word play a bit more. If you really want that rhyme, change up the line before first.)

Good job! I only did some basic critique for now... but i encourage you to keep writing... excited to read more of your work!

[PoetryfromtheSoul]

Thank you for your feedback. I know my poems can be a bit rhyme like which i find hard not to do ?
I've not properly edited them either but thought I'd just throw one up to get started. 

I appreciate any help in the right direction.  

Thanks for pointing out the leave part too ??? 

quote="PoetryfromtheSoul" pid='272622' dateline='1739658551']

Tree of Life

For what if, in a past life I were a tree

Standing in nature, so tall and so free

Facing each season alive and anew

You'll say to yourself how much I've grew

With each spring comes the Bloom

For every leave I make room

Eager to know

To learn and to grow

For each of these leaves are precious to me

For without these leaves I am not a tree

And together we face the season to come

These leaves are my friends we're unified as one.

And Yes they may wither and fall
But a lesson has been learnt from each one and all

For trees provide energy, oxygen and air

Extending each of its branches sheltering us with care

Yet all that you see is my branches and trunk

But deep below the earth is where my roots have been sunk

For what you see is merely a tree

but deep inside there lives me.

[/quote]

[carahmellow]

There is nothing wrong with rhyming poetry...I love reading it, and love writing it as well. although sometimes it's hard, even for me to make sure the rhymes don't sound forced. It definitely takes practice. I do really love the theme of this poem though!

[Mark A Becker]

Hello soul-

These leaves are my friends we're unified as one.

Aren't a tree's friends other trees, and not just leaves on your tree? Think about it- trees mostly grow together in the woods.

No real mention of the sun, or rain, or soil? Those things trees absolutely depend on. Only a cursory mention of seasons, and blooming.

While I appreciate the extended metaphor of 'me, as a tree' I recommend taking a good, hard look at trees. Then show me your commonality with them. Emphasis on SHOW vs tell. I know what trees do (oxygen, etc), I want you to SHOW me what it actually might feel like to be a tree. Your metaphor needs to be more convincing, my friend.

My point: OBSERVE first, write later. If you're going to be a tree, then write like one.

... Mark