Currently Untitiled (CW: Domestic Abuse)

[Knitrockbottom]

Posting here first to get my feet wet, but if it needs more than basic feedback lmk. 


Broken blessings read like curses.
Bleeding scars are open wounds.
Rain falls when the sun is shining,
Know The Devil's wife is doomed.

Wanting grasses beg for water.
Dried roots cannot take in pools.
Horses won't drink where you lead them.
Useless waters are false boons.

Winter coat on in the summer,
Where the Sun has met the Moon.
Force can't make a wife a lover.
Fingers rotted her cocoon.

[busker]

Posting here first to get my feet wet, but if it needs more than basic feedback lmk. 


Broken blessings read like curses.
Bleeding scars are open wounds.
Rain falls when the sun is shining,
Know The Devil's wife is doomed.

Wanting grasses beg for water.
Dried roots cannot take in pools.
Horses won't drink where you lead them.
Useless waters are false boons.

Winter coat on in the summer,
Where the Sun has met the Moon.
Force can't make a wife a lover.
Fingers rotted her cocoon.

Hi Knit - Basic generally isn’t meant for strong criticism as it can discourage new writers. Intensive is for when you want your piece picked apart line by line and held under a microscope. Mild is in between the two.

That said, since you wanted “something more”, my observations on this piece are:
1. I like the song song nature of the lines.
2. I like how there’s a conclusion at the end, after all the lead up.
3. Overall, S2 is the best stanza. The reference to horses to water is a good one
4. I also like the devil’a wedding reference. It is clever and foreshadows the domestic violence argument 
5. I think there are several places where you could improve. The last line “Fingers rotted…” doesn’t make any sense and is a bizarre end to the poem. There are a few other areas that have tautologies, or where the premise of the statement is inconsistent (horses don’t drink because they don’t want to. Dried roots because they can’t.  What are you trying to say by having both of them in the same line?


But it’s a nice one overall

[flotsson]

Posting here first to get my feet wet, but if it needs more than basic feedback lmk. 


Broken blessings read like curses.
Bleeding scars are open wounds.
Rain falls when the sun is shining,
Know The Devil's wife is doomed.

Wanting grasses beg for water.
Dried roots cannot take in pools.
Horses won't drink where you lead them.
Useless waters are false boons.

Winter coat on in the summer,
Where the Sun has met the Moon.
Force can't make a wife a lover.
Fingers rotted her cocoon.

I liked this a lot! I only have a few minor critiques. First, I'm not sure if capitalizing each line does much for the poem. For me, it's distracting. Second I find the final line of stanza 2 to trip the rhythm a bit, but maybe that's my accent. These are relatively minor issues; overall I find the poem to be very compelling.