Recurrence (updated)

[depressedmetalhead]

Recurrence 

A bitter thing
happens so often
emotions barely
whisper
when they used to
shout


I fear change
being alone
so I put on
a smile
realizing I’m about to
lie when I say


“I forgive you”.

Forgiveness

Recurrence
A bitter thing
Forces me back in my shell
And yet
It happens so often
The emotions barely whisper
When they used to shout


I fear change, fear being alone
So I put on a smile
And tell you all is well
Then the emotions surge bold and true
Realizing I’m about to tell a lie when I say


“I forgive you”.

[Mark A Becker]

Hello metal-
The brevity of this piece works well.

Makes me wonder if the N is really saying:

I will forgive myself

[carahmellow]

I love this piece. This is very much a style I tend to like… simple, purposeful and intentional. it feels a little like something I would write I think, maybe that’s why. Good work!

[Mark A Becker]

hello again, metal,
I'll try to be more constructive this time.
I think the title should be 'recurrence' since that is what this poem is about, not really forgiveness.
I have not changed any words, yet removed a few. I also suggest some line breaks.


Recurrence

A bitter thing
happens so often
emotions barely
whisper
when they used to
shout

I fear change
being alone
so I put on
a smile
about to
lie when I say

“I forgive you”.

[quetzal]

A fascinating topic whether to feel deeply or remain impervious to emotion. You describe your own feelings very accurately and it is to be hoped that you can make a firm choice and stick by it.
Well described

[Mark A Becker]

Hello metal-
The best way to hide the original version when you post a revision is to use the pre verse tags.

At the beginning of the old version type pre verse inside the brackets [ ] and at the end type pre verse after the forward slash, inside the brackets [/ ].

It works really well, and people can easily see the previous verions when they hit the PREVIOUS VERSIONS button

[depressedmetalhead]

Hello metal-
The best way to hide the original version when you post a revision is to use the pre verse tags.

At the beginning of the old version type pre verse inside the brackets [ ] and at the end type pre verse after the forward slash, inside the brackets [/ ].

It works really well, and people can easily see the previous verions when they hit the PREVIOUS VERSIONS button

 

Thanks for the help! I was trying to figure out how people did this 

[Mark A Becker]

Thanks for the help! I was trying to figure out how people did this 

Alright, metal, you did it.

ps You're most welcome

---

Recurrence 

A bitter thing
happens so often
emotions barely
whisper
when they used to
shout


I fear change
being alone
so I put on
a smile
realizing I’m about to
lie when I say


“I forgive you”.

Forgiveness

Recurrence
A bitter thing
Forces me back in my shell
And yet
It happens so often
The emotions barely whisper
When they used to shout


I fear change, fear being alone
So I put on a smile
And tell you all is well
Then the emotions surge bold and true
Realizing I’m about to tell a lie when I say


“I forgive you”.

Good job- this version says more wth fewer words, and allows the reader room to ponder.

For me this poem describes an abusive quandry that the N seems to feel stuck in. The lack of specific details allows this reader to imagine all sorts of scenarios. Your intentional vagueness is a good thing. The 'fill-in-the-blank' sparseness makes this reader FEEL the near desperation of the writer- searching for an elusive solution.
... Mark