My first poem

[Peter01]

Oh, the numbing spell of light

Banished by the dead of night

As the sun sets, and dark steals the sky

No haven can keep from what hunts my mind

As the blaze burns, and fades in the trees

No hope for escape from what I must feel

Her touch on my skin, her voice and breath

Life in their void seems not far from death

A wish for the end, then hope to forget

Can't cut off these chains forged by regret

In dreams I shall seek the warmth I once felt

To cold then wake up in tears of despair

Oh, the numbing spell of light

Banished by the dead of night

[Quixilated]

Hello, Peter, welcome to the pigpen.  We are always happy to see new members!

Please take a moment to read our site Rules.  All members must post feedback in the workshops on other member's poems before posting poetry in the workshop forums (mild, moderate, intensive).  Fedback before poems, always. Please catch up. 

Thank you,
Quix/admin


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[hyperviolet]

Oh, the numbing spell of light - this seems like a weird line? why is it numbing
Banished by the dead of night
As the sun sets, and dark steals the sky
No haven can keep from what hunts my mind - I think you mean haunts?
As the blaze burns, and fades in the trees
No hope for escape from what I must feel
Her touch on my skin, her voice and breath
Life in their void seems not far from death
A wish for the end, then hope to forget
Can't cut off these chains forged by regret
In dreams I shall seek the warmth I once felt
To cold then wake up in tears of despair - change this to "to now, cold" or smth
Oh, the numbing spell of light
Banished by the dead of night

otherwise I like it!

[poetry_zealot]

Oh, the numbing spell of light

Banished by the dead of night

As the sun sets, and dark steals the sky

No haven can keep from what hunts my mind          Is hunts meant to be haunts? Either way it works.

As the blaze burns, and fades in the trees

No hope for escape from what I must feel               This line feels clunky to read because of its structure. Minor issue.

Her touch on my skin, her voice and breath

Life in their void seems not far from death             Who is "their"

A wish for the end, then hope to forget

Can't cut off these chains forged by regret

In dreams, I shall seek the warmth I once felt

To cold then wake up in tears of despair                 The continuity between this line and the line before doesn't really make much sense.

Oh, the numbing spell of light

Banished by the dead of night                            Just a personal opinion here but I think you can flip/reverse the order of the last two lines to mirror the start of your poem.

Overall, this is really good for a first poem. If only my first could've been as structured as this lol. Anyway, really nice imagery throughout the text. Perhaps experiment with breaking the poem into stanzas and terminal caesuras. Having the whole poem enjambed may cause the reader to not go at the pace you want. Also, I think you'll have a lot of fun with slant rhymes.