A memento

[flotsson]

1
Rambling under tawny sun, down out into
nothingness as they scream and laugh and shove
each and every day throughout the timeless summer. 
My neighbor kids: they weren't always a joy but they 
were always—

(always) there.

2
You're eating nails and plaster. 
I get it, I am too: 
Alice reads the letter they sent her;
red paper, black ink,
fired. Like so many others
we know. And our neighbors—
(oh) 
the worst magic trick ever
discovered, they made our neighbors—
(no) 
they made our neighbors 
disappear and—

don't forget that, 
but—
nothing has,
please—
nothing ever has,
(nothing's changed)

[alonso ramoran]

1
Rambling under tawny sun, down out into Solid opener. Tawny sun is interesting. It makes me think of autumn, but then comes "timeless summer". Maybe this is late summer?
nothingness as they scream and laugh and shove
each and every day throughout the timeless summer. 
My neighbor kids: they weren't always a joy but they Neighbor's kids? Neighbor kids doesn't sound natural b/c I don't hear it used commonly
were always—

(always) there. I'm trying to understand the purpose of the words in parentheses throughout the poem. I think t could be more effective to rewrite this line as "were always there".

2 This poem has two parts
You're eating nails and plaster. 
I get it, I am too: Interesting characterization. It makes me wonder who exactly is the N and who they are addressing. Are they kids?
Alice reads the letter they sent her;
red paper, black ink,
fired. Like so many others
we know. And our neighbors— "my neighbors" becomes "our neighbors". Maybe the second part of the poem comes with a new living situation for the N?
(oh) 
the worst magic trick ever
discovered, they made our neighbors—
(no) 
they made our neighbors 
disappear and—

don't forget that, 
but—
nothing has,
please—
nothing ever has,
(nothing's changed) The parentheses are probably not needed. But it's a nice ending that kind of reflects the ending of the poem's first part with the neighbor's kids always playing.

What I get from this poem is that multiple families lost their sources of income in this neighborhood, causing a lot of them to move away with their children. I don't see much describing a physical memento, but maybe the memento is simply the memory of these neighbors that the N is left with of the kids always playing in what I think is a yard.

Thank you for sharing,
Alex

[RiverNotch]

1
I like the way the first four lines ramble along. It evokes the very scene, or succession of scenes, it describes.

There's a tension that begins with the fifth and sixth lines between this piece as something to be read silently, as if from a book, and as something to be read aloud.

My neighbor kids: they weren't always a joy but they
were always---

(always) there.

just doesn't work read silently, it feels much more overbearing compared to the obvious alternative of

My neighbor kids: they weren't always a joy but they
were always there.

On the other hand, if read aloud, it might work, depending on how the rest of the piece continues it. Let's see.


2
The speaker now addresses someone specific: "you" plus the more conversational cadence of the shorter lines. I can only assume it's the same speaker, since the same sort of parenthetical refrains reoccur later in this section, but a different point in time and place. Reading ahead, this feels like the speaker when they were a child.

For the second and third lines of this section, I think the colon could be replaced with a period, and the semicolon replaced with a colon. But aren't pink slips pink, not red? You could also maybe remove "fired", if you make those pink slips the right color, and then have it so that the next phrase is part of the same sentence, thus:

I get it, I am too.
Alice reads the letter they sent her:
pink paper, black ink,
like so many others
we know. And our neighbors---

Here, the parentheticals now seem gimmicky, since "oh" just doesn't mean anything on its own, nor does it change or sufficiently enhance the meaning of what's around it. I imagine that, were this a transcription of a performance, that "oh" is an interjection a more reputable transcriber would ignore, or that the original performer never actually wrote down. The same goes with "no" later on and, retroactively, with "always".

Those gimmicky parentheticals removed, we have:

....And our neighbors---
the worst magic trick ever
discovered, they made our neighbors---
they made our neighbors
disappear and---

The repetition reinforces the idea that this is a kid.

The two scenes then seem to blend together with the final stanza, which makes me think that the numbers separating each scene is unnecessary: the careful reader, I think, could figure out the conceit on their own. As before, I would again suggested removing the parentheticals, although in this case removing the parentheses and adding a period would suffice:

don't forget that,
but---
nothing has,
please---
nothing ever has,
nothing's changed.

That final period would also reinforce the finality in this last statement. Nothing changes, nothing's changed: boom, recession, boom recession.

[flotsson]

1
Rambling under tawny sun, down out into Solid opener. Tawny sun is interesting. It makes me think of autumn, but then comes "timeless summer". Maybe this is late summer?
nothingness as they scream and laugh and shove
each and every day throughout the timeless summer. 
My neighbor kids: they weren't always a joy but they Neighbor's kids? Neighbor kids doesn't sound natural b/c I don't hear it used commonly
were always—

(always) there. I'm trying to understand the purpose of the words in parentheses throughout the poem. I think t could be more effective to rewrite this line as "were always there".

2 This poem has two parts
You're eating nails and plaster. 
I get it, I am too: Interesting characterization. It makes me wonder who exactly is the N and who they are addressing. Are they kids?
Alice reads the letter they sent her;
red paper, black ink,
fired. Like so many others
we know. And our neighbors— "my neighbors" becomes "our neighbors". Maybe the second part of the poem comes with a new living situation for the N?
(oh) 
the worst magic trick ever
discovered, they made our neighbors—
(no) 
they made our neighbors 
disappear and—

don't forget that, 
but—
nothing has,
please—
nothing ever has,
(nothing's changed) The parentheses are probably not needed. But it's a nice ending that kind of reflects the ending of the poem's first part with the neighbor's kids always playing.

What I get from this poem is that multiple families lost their sources of income in this neighborhood, causing a lot of them to move away with their children. I don't see much describing a physical memento, but maybe the memento is simply the memory of these neighbors that the N is left with of the kids always playing in what I think is a yard.

Thank you for sharing,
Alex

Thank you for the thoughtful critique. I intended the parentheticals to be whispered asides, but they're clearly not functioning properly. I'll think on how to remedy the situation.

---

1
I like the way the first four lines ramble along. It evokes the very scene, or succession of scenes, it describes.

There's a tension that begins with the fifth and sixth lines between this piece as something to be read silently, as if from a book, and as something to be read aloud.

My neighbor kids: they weren't always a joy but they
were always---

(always) there.

just doesn't work read silently, it feels much more overbearing compared to the obvious alternative of

My neighbor kids: they weren't always a joy but they
were always there.

On the other hand, if read aloud, it might work, depending on how the rest of the piece continues it. Let's see.


2
The speaker now addresses someone specific: "you" plus the more conversational cadence of the shorter lines. I can only assume it's the same speaker, since the same sort of parenthetical refrains reoccur later in this section, but a different point in time and place. Reading ahead, this feels like the speaker when they were a child.

For the second and third lines of this section, I think the colon could be replaced with a period, and the semicolon replaced with a colon. But aren't pink slips pink, not red? You could also maybe remove "fired", if you make those pink slips the right color, and then have it so that the next phrase is part of the same sentence, thus:

I get it, I am too.
Alice reads the letter they sent her:
pink paper, black ink,
like so many others
we know. And our neighbors---

Here, the parentheticals now seem gimmicky, since "oh" just doesn't mean anything on its own, nor does it change or sufficiently enhance the meaning of what's around it. I imagine that, were this a transcription of a performance, that "oh" is an interjection a more reputable transcriber would ignore, or that the original performer never actually wrote down. The same goes with "no" later on and, retroactively, with "always".

Those gimmicky parentheticals removed, we have:

....And our neighbors---
the worst magic trick ever
discovered, they made our neighbors---
they made our neighbors
disappear and---

The repetition reinforces the idea that this is a kid.

The two scenes then seem to blend together with the final stanza, which makes me think that the numbers separating each scene is unnecessary: the careful reader, I think, could figure out the conceit on their own. As before, I would again suggested removing the parentheticals, although in this case removing the parentheses and adding a period would suffice:

don't forget that,
but---
nothing has,
please---
nothing ever has,
nothing's changed.

That final period would also reinforce the finality in this last statement. Nothing changes, nothing's changed: boom, recession, boom recession.

Thank you very much for the careful engagement with my work. I write all my poetry to be read out loud, not necessarily on a stage but by the reader, the sonic elements don't really come across in one's head, at least they don't for me. Your critiques of punctuation are reasonable, and I'll take them to the page. For the parentheticals specifically, I was aiming for whispered asides, as I said above. However, they're clearly not functioning properly. I'll think on the matter, thank you.