specter?

[hyperviolet]

We know only what we see, what we hear
And clearly, to you, I am a specter.
Knowing nothing of whom you speak of
Yet you talk with such certainty;
Never even having let me truly speak.

And now, I must understand you,
Your ambition, your fear, your troubles?
I owe you nothing, for you never gave me
The chance to be discovered as I am.
You never even tried to see.

Instead, you began to conclude, prejudicially
That I am nothing but the other, the outsider
That accepting me is corruption,
Is losing a battle, where you force upon us your normalcy
Never even letting yourself truly hear.

You lie about my wants, my dreams,
To your confidants, to make them hate me
Under false conditions; false pretenses.
Am I the monster you fear, or is it all a lie?
You never even cared to know.

I am not the end of your war.

You cannot bend me to your will.

I am not your death.
I am not your dog.

My death would solve nothing; the world still wrong;
The systems you put in place falling apart at the seams;

And to treat me like such is a fool’s game.
You’re being played in a battle of hate.
To you, the past be no artifact, the present hold no future,
And I am sick of pretending that you are fit to judge the world as it is,
Not as it was.

[CRNDLSM]

We know only what we see, what we hear
And clearly, to you, I am a specter. 'Clearly' is good with 'specter' and 'see'.
Knowing nothing of whom you speak of too much 'of'
Yet you talk with such certainty;
Never even having let me truly speak. It is confusing though, surely they see something to talk so certainly, let me 'truly speak' is like they are hearing something, but I don't know what truly means yet

And now, I must understand you,
Your ambition, your fear, your troubles?
I owe you nothing, for you never gave me
The chance to be discovered as I am.this is another way to say what you said earlier, you never saw me
You never even tried to see.

Instead, you began to conclude, prejudicially
That I am nothing but the other, the outsider oh I thought this was about a sad lover, gaslighting abusive exes but 
That accepting me is corruption,
Is losing a battle, where you force upon us your normalcy
Never even letting yourself truly hear. I can tell you're mad, and I like switching from see to hear to mirror the first line, but maybe I'm not understanding, like you're not talking to me so I'm trying to pick up context clues to know how to feel?

You lie about my wants, my dreams,
To your confidants, to make them hate me
Under false conditions; false pretenses.
Am I the monster you fear, or is it all a lie?
You never even cared to know. It's more sinister on my end it seems, their end.

I am not the end of your war. Nice 

You cannot bend me to your will. Say it again 

I am not your death.
I am not your dog.i am suddenly lost again 

My death would solve nothing; the world still wrong;
The systems you put in place falling apart at the seams;
Now this feels like my own voice talking in my head to maniacal world leaders
And to treat me like such is a fool’s game.
You’re being played in a battle of hate. 
To you, the past be no artifact, the present hold no future,
And I am sick of pretending that you are fit to judge the world as it is,
Not as it was.

I like poetry to take me places and feel things, and I don't know where I am or what to feel here, partly because of the pronouns, in some ways there's too many words that don't add to the image, there's some bones here, there's feelings that came from a place, but I'm grasping to find it.  Maybe the fault is mine, 

The title specter says that 'you don't let me truly speak'but then the rest is like an accusation, a judgements of the 'you' about how judgemental they are, but I didn't hear how you truly speak either, unless that's it, cause that's what it seemed like.  Does that make sense? Pronouns,  thanks for sharing

[RiverNotch]

We know only what we see, what we hear
And clearly, to you, I am a specter.
Knowing nothing of whom you speak of
Yet you talk with such certainty;
Never even having let me truly speak.

third line should be

Knowing nothing of whom you speak

or

Knowing nothing you speak of

it can't be both. i prefer the first, but it also sounds more antiquated.

the semicolon in the fourth line should be a comma.


And now, I must understand you,
Your ambition, your fear, your troubles?
I owe you nothing, for you never gave me
The chance to be discovered as I am.
You never even tried to see.

colon instead of comma at the end of the first line.


Instead, you began to conclude, prejudicially
That I am nothing but the other, the outsider
That accepting me is corruption,
Is losing a battle, where you force upon us your normalcy
Never even letting yourself truly hear.

comma at the end of the second line.


You lie about my wants, my dreams,
To your confidants, to make them hate me
Under false conditions; false pretenses.
Am I the monster you fear, or is it all a lie?
You never even cared to know.

comma instead of colon at the third line.


I am not the end of your war.

You cannot bend me to your will.

I am not your death.
I am not your dog.

no small notes here.


My death would solve nothing; the world still wrong;
The systems you put in place falling apart at the seams;

semicolon at the middle of the first line better as a colon. next semicolon better a comma, last semicolon also better as a comma.


And to treat me like such is a fool’s game.
You’re being played in a battle of hate.
To you, the past be no artifact, the present hold no future,
And I am sick of pretending that you are fit to judge the world as it is,
Not as it was.

"the past is no artifact, the present holds no future"


i get this piece, and i wholly agree with its sentiment, but it's in a mode for which i have often been rightly critiqued, which is to say it's prose, not poetry. and not very compelling prose either. the first thing the title brings to mind for me is the famous opening words of Marx and Engels' *The Communist Manifesto*---"a specter is haunting Europe"---and, notwithstanding the missed opportunity here of linking the struggle against capitalism with the struggle for trans rights, Marx and Engels at least *do* something with that opening image, talking about how all the great powers of europe are trying to exorcise this specter. here, you only talk about the proverbial specter as merely something the addressed doesn't allow to speak, as merely something the addressed talks about without knowing of it an inch, but there's a hundred other things i can think of before "specter" to which such a description applies....including, of course, queerness.

that's the fatal flaw in this piece, highlighted by the third stanza's "prejudicially". it's tautological, especially to your most likely readership, either those into poetry or those who are actually queer (or better, myself included, the intersection thereof). either you need to develop your use of imagery -- what does one do to specters that only indirectly or metaphorically applies to queerness? the "exorcise" idea of marx and engels can work, with extra devastating results if you refer to the literal exorcisms some folks perform on queer people -- or you need to engage more with your ideas, again perhaps linking between trans issues and class struggle.

[alonso ramoran]

hyperviolet,

I enjoyed the confident tone of the piece. With that said, I agree with others that the piece veers a bit too much into prose for lack of imagery. I think this can be remedied by rereading and asking "how" of every line and writing that instead. More comments below.

We know only what we see, what we hear
And clearly, to you, I am a specter. solid opener
Knowing nothing of whom you speak of
Yet you talk with such certainty; "yet" can be cut
Never even having let me truly speak. I think this is your earliest opportunity to show an image and it's not taken. How is the N kept from speaking? Are they gagged? Tongue ripped out? Frontal lobe knocked in?

And now, I must understand you,
Your ambition, your fear, your troubles? How can these concepts be converted into an image?
I owe you nothing, for you never gave me
The chance to be discovered as I am.
You never even tried to see.

Instead, you began to conclude, prejudicially
That I am nothing but the other, the outsider I'd like to see the outsider with more characterization
That accepting me is corruption,
Is losing a battle, where you force upon us your normalcy Your use of battle gives a nice chance to explore an image
Never even letting yourself truly hear.

You lie about my wants, my dreams,
To your confidants, to make them hate me How do the confidants act out their hatred? I'd write that instead
Under false conditions; false pretenses.
Am I the monster you fear, or is it all a lie?
You never even cared to know.

I am not the end of your war. I like this line.

You cannot bend me to your will.

I am not your death.
I am not your dog. I think you can rewrite these lines as follows:

I am not your death,
nor your dog.

My death would solves nothing; the world is still wrong;
The systems you put in place falling apart at the seams;

And to treat me like such is a fool’s game.
You’re being played in a battle of hate.
To you, the past be no artifact, the present holds no future,
And I am sick of pretending that you are fit to judge the world as it is,
Not as it was. I like this contrast in verb tense and think it's an okay spot to end. The only thing that I think could support the ending is if the piece had more bones to it instead of prose

Best of luck.

[hyperviolet]

Quick note for posters, 
This poem is ostensibly about my experience as a trans woman; and the people who wish to push me back into the uncomfortable disquietude of self silence.
Just pointing this out as it seems that that was missed.

[alonso ramoran]

Quick note for posters, 
This poem is ostensibly about my experience as a trans woman; and the people who wish to push me back into the uncomfortable disquietude of self silence.
Just pointing this out as it seems that that was missed.

That was not missed in my reading, but I'm sorry it could have come across that way. My comments spoke to the quality of the poem and not its content. I hope anything that I or other posters have provided so far will be of some use in the revision process since I believe that's why you shared it in one of the critique forums.

It's probably because I've only been rereading this one collection of poetry by Louise Gluck, but the narrator's tone of your piece reminds me a lot of hers in The Wild Iris.

[CRNDLSM]

Quick note for posters, 
This poem is ostensibly about my experience as a trans woman; this seems to be the core 

and the people who wish to push me back into the uncomfortable disquietude of self silence. This the method 


Just pointing this out as it seems that that was missed.
I was trying not to assume it

We know only what we see, what we hear
And clearly, to you, I am a specter.
Knowing nothing of whom you speak of
Yet you talk with such certainty;
Never even having let me truly speak.
Is it supposed to be a mystery by this point what youre writing about?  What is it about being trans that they speak of, that isn't you, that makes you a specter. The surface, the stereotypes?

And now, I must understand you,
Your ambition, your fear, your troubles? Must you? Oh it's their expectation for you to understand why you're wrong about who you are, double standard
I owe you nothing, for you never gave me
The chance to be discovered as I am.
You never even tried to see. While I belive that, maybe you could contrast it to someone who is trying to see you, for the reader to know the difference, maybe it could be the specific detail from the first strophe

Instead, you began to conclude, prejudicially
That I am nothing but the other, the outsider
That accepting me is corruption,
Is losing a battle, where you force upon us your normalcy
Never even letting yourself truly hear. 
Show me the struggle of this battle, the two sides, in out, 
You lie about my wants, my dreams,
To your confidants, to make them hate me
Under false conditions; false pretenses.
Am I the monster you fear, or is it all a lie?
You never even cared to know. 
Is it a lie or ignorance?  Is gossip lying? I can't just take your word for it that their word is wrong if I dont know what you're talking about

I am not the end of your war.

You cannot bend me to your will.

I am not your death.
I am not your dog. 

My death would solve nothing; the world still wrong;
The systems you put in place falling apart at the seams;
What systems, old ones, new ones,
And to treat me like such is a fool’s game.
You’re being played in a battle of hate.ill just have to take your word for it unless you show me how I'm being played, mayne show how easy it would be for me to suddenly be made illegal based on other misconceptions
To you, the past be no artifact, the present hold no future,
And I am sick of pretending that you are fit to judge the world as it is,
Not as it was.this also could be elaborated in the poem, even the difference between how it is and how it was, 

Just some ideas to pull your voice through of who you are and how to make me care about what the 'you' thinks of 'me'

[brynmawr1]

You made me a specter
knowing nothing 
about my fears and troubles
 
yet you talk with certainty
about how I haunt your reality;
the other, outsider, how I am
 
corruption.  The losing battle
of accepting me within your normalcy
never letting yourself hear
 
my wants, my dreams;
how they are yours,
how you never cared to know.
 
Am I the monster you fear?

Hi Violet,
forgive me, but I have distilled your original to my interpretation.  I mostly used your own words, just rearranged.  It's not that you didn't have good lines in the parts that I didn't include, i just think this is the essence of the poem.  Particularly the last line.  I also tried to use some enjambment to provide some additional meaning/emphasis.  I think one thing that is important is that the poem is generalized to anyone that feels estranged from society.  Don't be afraid to leave something on the table.  Trust your readers to get the implied. I I also wanted to say that your poem is very mature but avoid being too direct.  My comments are only meant to be an illustration, so edit as you see fit.
Bryn