inner dialogue

[hyperviolet]

sometimes
when i sit beneath that autumnal sun
when it’s photons strike my skin with their speed
so cosmologically significant and so entropic yet calculated

i think about
the fact that we exist is a chance never before seen
like tetratial growth every step we take,
a factorial of every action we think of making

that the trees, unmoving are as complex a thing as anything ever could be
the elementary particles that make it all up are ineffable in nature to us
in scale, in number

and that yet it is beautiful that we try
to understand the patterns
in the unending chaos that is

the everything
the nothing
and yet all things

that we exist inside of

and i speak these words in repeating rows of eights
through the photons running through the copper like busy traffic
to the liquid crystals that shine like miniature lightbulbs

the world is a series of fractals contained within arbitrary bounds
there is chaos all the way down and it is fucking beautiful

it doesn’t need to be simplified
it looses it’s beauty that way
take things as they are not as they appear
and don't give yourself up
to the attractive nature of the simple problem-solver

note from hyp - thanks to everybody that told me i need to do more imagery!! i really like this one 

[CreamcheeseSandwich]

I really like the imagery used with the photons in this poem, along with the scientific/mathematic diction such as "cosmologically, entropic, tetratial." A piece of advice that I would give is to maintain this diction throughout the entire poem, so as not to break the overall flow or "theme" that you are trying to convey. This would refer to the line "it's fucking beautiful" which follows the verse "the world is a series of fractals contained within arbitrary bounds" It can seem jarring to randomly swear when throughout your poem you have maintained sophisticated language. I also recommend rephrasing the line "it looses its beauty that way." Is there another way that you can describe to the reader that the simplification of the world leads to a loss of beauty? You have used lots of beautiful imagery throughout this poem, so I would recommend using it at the end of the poem as well to leave a lasting emotion or "picture" that the reader can take with them.

---

sometimes
when i sit beneath that autumnal sun
when it’s photons strike my skin with their speed
so cosmologically significant and so entropic yet calculated

i think about
the fact that we exist is a chance never before seen
like tetratial growth every step we take,
a factorial of every action we think of making

that the trees, unmoving, are as complex a thing as anything ever could be
the elementary particles that make it all up are ineffable in nature to us
in scale, in number

and that yet it is beautiful that we try
to understand the patterns
in the unending chaos that is

the everything
the nothings
and yet all things

that we exist inside of

and i speak these words in repeating rows of eights
through the photons running through the copper like busy lively/hectic/congested traffic (describing that traffic is "busy" is redundant, since many people know that traffic is busy). 
to the liquid crystals that shine like miniature lightbulbs

the world is a series of fractals contained within arbitrary bounds
there is chaos all the way down and it is fucking unfathomably beautiful

it doesn’t need to be simplified
it looses it’s beauty that way   (otherwise the beauty of its chaos will fade away, like the sun setting at the ends of a river) This is just an example of possible imagery that you can include in this line to paint a vivid image in the reader's head before the poem ends. 
take things as they are not as they appear
and don't give yourself up
to the attractive nature of the simple problem-solver

note from hyp - thanks to everybody that told me i need to do more imagery!! i really like this one 

[Mark A Becker]

it is beautiful that we try
to understand the patterns
in the unending chaos that is

Hello, and welcome hyper,

The whole poem for me is the section I show above.

When a poem is mostly tell and little show, this reader loses interest. This seems more like a lesson being taught than a poem; didactic bordering on pedantic. I want a poem to make me feel something, other than feel like I'm being lectured to.

There are many opportunities for you to explore with this one: the nature of light, description of actual fractals, the apparent fine tuning of the universe with the mind boggling precision of its constants, and more. Try harder not to miss those chances for enhancing this piece while respecting the intelligence of your readers.

Please try to make me feel something along the way.
Respectfully,
Mark

[Wjames]

sometimes
when i sit beneath that autumnal sun
when it’s photons strike my skin with their speed do you need the second 'when'?
so cosmologically significant and so entropic yet calculated 

i think about
the fact that we exist is a chance never before seen this line doesn't make sense to me
like tetratial growth every step we take,
a factorial of every action we think of making

that the trees, unmoving are as complex a thing as anything ever could be
the elementary particles that make it all up are ineffable in nature to us
in scale, in number

and that yet it is beautiful that we try
to understand the patterns
in the unending chaos that is

the everything
the nothing
and yet all things

that we exist inside of

and i speak these words in repeating rows of eights 
through the photons running through the copper like busy traffic
to the liquid crystals that shine like miniature lightbulbs I like this stanza, it's mysterious and interesting - not sure if you need the 'like' in this line. Already have a simile just above.

the world is a series of fractals contained within arbitrary bounds
there is chaos all the way down and it is fucking beautiful

it doesn’t need to be simplified
it looses it’s beauty that way
take things as they are not as they appear
and don't give yourself up
to the attractive nature of the simple problem-solver

note from hyp - thanks to everybody that told me i need to do more imagery!! i really like this one 

Hey hyperviolet, for me there are too many words like: cosmologically, entropic, tetratial, factorial, fractal.

I want to touch, taste, smell, see and hear.

[The_system_screams]

I love it. From the first to the - almost - last, Love it. I love the scientific aspect of it mixed with awe and admiration. I love that it tries to convey exactly what it can't - like the line "the fact that we exist is a chance never before seen" is a wonderful mix of denial, affirmation, sheer exhilaration, wonder. And adding the explicit in the near end - fucking gorgeous. It makes it oh so human.

And then my only gripe: "take things as they are not as they appear/ and don't give yourself up/ to the attractive nature of the simple problem-solver" This sounds more like the idea you had for the poem. Like what you knew what you were writing about. An inspiration. But telling us is like inviting us backstage and your production is so beautiful - I don't really need to see the scaffolding. I rather just look at the pretty picture.

Thanks, this was a treat!

[Pebbel~Lady]

sometimes
when i sit beneath that autumnal sun
when it’s photons strike my skin with their speed
so cosmologically significant and so entropic yet calculated

i think about
the fact that we exist is a chance never before seen
like tetratial growth every step we take,
a factorial of every action we think of making

that the trees, unmoving are as complex a thing as anything ever could be
the elementary particles that make it all up are ineffable in nature to us
in scale, in number

and that yet it is beautiful that we try
to understand the patterns
in the unending chaos that is

the everything
the nothing
and yet all things

that we exist inside of

and i speak these words in repeating rows of eights
through the photons running through the copper like busy traffic
to the liquid crystals that shine like miniature lightbulbs

the world is a series of fractals contained within arbitrary bounds
there is chaos all the way down and it is fucking beautiful

it doesn’t need to be simplified
it looses it’s beauty that way
take things as they are not as they appear
and don't give yourself up
to the attractive nature of the simple problem-solver

note from hyp - thanks to everybody that told me i need to do more imagery!! i really like this one 

OOOOOOOHHHH, I really really like this poem!! you have really good imagery, and the words you choose go very well with each other. I like how this poem is an appreciation of life and existence, the realization that you are alive and its absolutely brilliant! This stanza especially helps highlight how absurd it all is, we are everything and nothing all at once. IM SORRY I JUST LOVE THE WAY YOU WRITE ITS SO PRETTTY. I dont really have any notes or critiques to add, i may just really like things to much but this poem is just really beautiful.