Posts: 41
Threads: 7
Joined: Oct 2022
As if they know,
bending leaves into their mouths,
that bodies yearn for protein,
can feel it like a dull thirst
driving them over the forest floor,
shoulder-heavy and quiet.
The colobus swing
in their leafy playground of twisted bark,
fast and light, with little to fear
from the slow chimps observing below.
But these chimps are taking position –
one to drive the monkeys on,
two – conspicuous – to block each side,
while another waits behind a trunk.
A chorus of screams begins their business.
The colobus make reckless bets
of wild flight through the air.
One, in haste,
chooses a trunk that will be its last –
a firm grasp of its furry tail,
and the chimps clamour.
Portions are carried to the forest floor,
where the young and female profit,
as if their cries from far below
were a tacit piece of the act.
And what craving propelled them
to leafy heights in chase –
the taste of protein
or the thrill of the hunt?
Posts: 36
Threads: 13
Joined: Mar 2025
(03-26-2025, 03:30 AM)TrevorConway Wrote: As if they know,
bending leaves into their mouths, Personally, I really like putting phrases like this in parentheses as this achieves the effect of an afterthought. It'll add more to the poem without making it feel longer.
that bodies yearn for protein,
can feel it like a dull thirst I'm not sure if this line is supposed to start with "can" but if you did intend for it to start with "can", I think using an em dash to end the line prior would've fit more.
driving them over the forest floor,
shoulder-heavy and quiet. Shoulder-heavy feels clunky compared to the rest of the poem. If this is the effect you want to achieve then it's great but otherwise I suggest cutting it down to just heavy to keep the meaning (from my interpretation) while fixing the pacing.
The colobus swing
in their leafy playground of twisted bark, Very nice imagery here.
fast and light, with little to fear
from the slow chimps observing below. Note: the orange section below is my rewrite of the latter half of the stanza. Feel free to accept or decline my suggestions.
The same chimps are taking position:
one to drive the monkeys on,
two to block either side,
another in wait behind the trunk.
A chorus of screams begins their business. Perhaps replace chorus with symphony.
The colobus make reckless bets I'm not sure if bets is the right word to use here...
of wild flight through the air.
One, in haste, In my opinion, this line disrupts the pacing of the rest of the poem. I think it would read better to remove "in haste" and combine it with the following line.
chooses a trunk that will be its last –
a firm grasp of its furry tail,
and the chimps clamour. Personally find it somewhat difficult to understand the last two lines as the readers aren't really left with much details.
Portions are carried to the forest floor,
where the young and female profit,
as if their cries from far below
were a tacit piece of the act. Very good diction used throughout this stanza.
And what craving propelled them
to leafy heights in chase – Perhaps replace the dash with a colon and then add a comma after protein.
the taste of protein
or the thrill of the hunt? In my opinion, I think that the last stanza doesn't really serve much use. It doesn't follow the same tone as the rest of the stanzas and takes attention away from the hunt and its aftermath. I think the penultimate stanza serves as a better stopping point for this poem. Nevertheless, this poem deserves praise for such a unique idea. Never seen a poem quite like this and don't think I will for quite some time. Well done.
(03-30-2025, 09:56 PM)poetry_zealot Wrote: (03-26-2025, 03:30 AM)TrevorConway Wrote: As if they know,
bending leaves into their mouths, Personally, I really like putting phrases like this in parentheses as this achieves the effect of an afterthought. It'll add more to the poem without making it feel longer.
that bodies yearn for protein,
can feel it like a dull thirst I'm not sure if this line is supposed to start with "can" but if you did intend for it to start with "can", I think using an em dash to end the line prior would've fit more.
driving them over the forest floor,
shoulder-heavy and quiet. Shoulder-heavy feels clunky compared to the rest of the poem. If this is the effect you want to achieve then it's great but otherwise I suggest cutting it down to just heavy to keep the meaning (from my interpretation) while fixing the pacing.
The colobus swing
in their leafy playground of twisted bark, Very nice imagery here.
fast and light, with little to fear
from the slow chimps observing below. Note: the orange section below is my rewrite of the latter half of the stanza. Feel free to accept or decline my suggestions.
The same chimps are taking position:
one to drive the monkeys on,
two to block either side,
another in wait behind the trunk.
A chorus of screams begins their business. Perhaps replace chorus with symphony.
The colobus make reckless bets I'm not sure if bets is the right word to use here...
of wild flight through the air.
One, in haste, In my opinion, this line disrupts the pacing of the rest of the poem. I think it would read better to remove "in haste" and combine it with the following line.
chooses a trunk that will be its last –
a firm grasp of its furry tail,
and the chimps clamour. Personally find it somewhat difficult to understand the last two lines as the readers aren't really left with much details.
Portions are carried to the forest floor,
where the young and female profit,
as if their cries from far below
were a tacit piece of the act. Very good diction used throughout this stanza.
And what craving propelled them
to leafy heights in chase – Perhaps replace the dash with a colon and then add a comma after protein.
the taste of protein
or the thrill of the hunt? In my opinion, I think that the last stanza doesn't really serve much use. It doesn't follow the same tone as the rest of the stanzas and takes attention away from the hunt and its aftermath. I think the penultimate stanza serves as a better stopping point for this poem. Nevertheless, this poem deserves praise for such a unique idea. Never seen a poem quite like this and don't think I will for quite some time. Well done.
AH. I must apologize for being unable to look at the rhythm of your piece. I'm unfortunately not adept at interpreting rhythm so apologies in advance for that. 
Posts: 41
Threads: 7
Joined: Oct 2022
Hi Poetryzealot,
Thanks very much for your input. I'll definitely apply some of it.
Trev
(03-30-2025, 09:56 PM)poetry_zealot Wrote: (03-26-2025, 03:30 AM)TrevorConway Wrote: As if they know,
bending leaves into their mouths, Personally, I really like putting phrases like this in parentheses as this achieves the effect of an afterthought. It'll add more to the poem without making it feel longer.
that bodies yearn for protein,
can feel it like a dull thirst I'm not sure if this line is supposed to start with "can" but if you did intend for it to start with "can", I think using an em dash to end the line prior would've fit more.
driving them over the forest floor,
shoulder-heavy and quiet. Shoulder-heavy feels clunky compared to the rest of the poem. If this is the effect you want to achieve then it's great but otherwise I suggest cutting it down to just heavy to keep the meaning (from my interpretation) while fixing the pacing.
The colobus swing
in their leafy playground of twisted bark, Very nice imagery here.
fast and light, with little to fear
from the slow chimps observing below. Note: the orange section below is my rewrite of the latter half of the stanza. Feel free to accept or decline my suggestions.
The same chimps are taking position:
one to drive the monkeys on,
two to block either side,
another in wait behind the trunk.
A chorus of screams begins their business. Perhaps replace chorus with symphony.
The colobus make reckless bets I'm not sure if bets is the right word to use here...
of wild flight through the air.
One, in haste, In my opinion, this line disrupts the pacing of the rest of the poem. I think it would read better to remove "in haste" and combine it with the following line.
chooses a trunk that will be its last –
a firm grasp of its furry tail,
and the chimps clamour. Personally find it somewhat difficult to understand the last two lines as the readers aren't really left with much details.
Portions are carried to the forest floor,
where the young and female profit,
as if their cries from far below
were a tacit piece of the act. Very good diction used throughout this stanza.
And what craving propelled them
to leafy heights in chase – Perhaps replace the dash with a colon and then add a comma after protein.
the taste of protein
or the thrill of the hunt? In my opinion, I think that the last stanza doesn't really serve much use. It doesn't follow the same tone as the rest of the stanzas and takes attention away from the hunt and its aftermath. I think the penultimate stanza serves as a better stopping point for this poem. Nevertheless, this poem deserves praise for such a unique idea. Never seen a poem quite like this and don't think I will for quite some time. Well done.
(03-30-2025, 09:56 PM)poetry_zealot Wrote: (03-26-2025, 03:30 AM)TrevorConway Wrote: As if they know,
bending leaves into their mouths, Personally, I really like putting phrases like this in parentheses as this achieves the effect of an afterthought. It'll add more to the poem without making it feel longer.
that bodies yearn for protein,
can feel it like a dull thirst I'm not sure if this line is supposed to start with "can" but if you did intend for it to start with "can", I think using an em dash to end the line prior would've fit more.
driving them over the forest floor,
shoulder-heavy and quiet. Shoulder-heavy feels clunky compared to the rest of the poem. If this is the effect you want to achieve then it's great but otherwise I suggest cutting it down to just heavy to keep the meaning (from my interpretation) while fixing the pacing.
The colobus swing
in their leafy playground of twisted bark, Very nice imagery here.
fast and light, with little to fear
from the slow chimps observing below. Note: the orange section below is my rewrite of the latter half of the stanza. Feel free to accept or decline my suggestions.
The same chimps are taking position:
one to drive the monkeys on,
two to block either side,
another in wait behind the trunk.
A chorus of screams begins their business. Perhaps replace chorus with symphony.
The colobus make reckless bets I'm not sure if bets is the right word to use here...
of wild flight through the air.
One, in haste, In my opinion, this line disrupts the pacing of the rest of the poem. I think it would read better to remove "in haste" and combine it with the following line.
chooses a trunk that will be its last –
a firm grasp of its furry tail,
and the chimps clamour. Personally find it somewhat difficult to understand the last two lines as the readers aren't really left with much details.
Portions are carried to the forest floor,
where the young and female profit,
as if their cries from far below
were a tacit piece of the act. Very good diction used throughout this stanza.
And what craving propelled them
to leafy heights in chase – Perhaps replace the dash with a colon and then add a comma after protein.
the taste of protein
or the thrill of the hunt? In my opinion, I think that the last stanza doesn't really serve much use. It doesn't follow the same tone as the rest of the stanzas and takes attention away from the hunt and its aftermath. I think the penultimate stanza serves as a better stopping point for this poem. Nevertheless, this poem deserves praise for such a unique idea. Never seen a poem quite like this and don't think I will for quite some time. Well done.
AH. I must apologize for being unable to look at the rhythm of your piece. I'm unfortunately not adept at interpreting rhythm so apologies in advance for that.
|
