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Threads: 49
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I'll
never ever be
a regular guy.
I'll never ever e-
ven give it a try.
I'll ever cleverly
deny the lie.
But
I'll never,
ever be
a regular,
guy.
Posts: 1,187
Threads: 250
Joined: Nov 2015
Welcome back!
Have you tried prunes?
Sorry, couldn't resist.
Non-practicing atheist
Posts: 399
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Joined: May 2022
(04-19-2025, 12:00 PM)Wildcard Wrote: I'll Don't like this as a first line. Kind of want it to be the title, except "I Will"
never ever be
a regular guy.
I'll never ever e- not sure how I feel about this enjambment. seems lazy, though a little cummings, perhaps.
ven give it a try.
I'll ever cleverly
deny the lie. I think this line falls flat. Especially given the 'but'. there needs to be more of a contradiction, such as 'live that lie'. Yes, you lose the internal rhyme.
But
I'll never,
ever be
a regular,
guy. I like the enjambment in the stanza but you can lose the commas and move 'guy' up to L3
Hi Wild,
As Duke said, Welcome back. Not a bad reentry. I like the rhythm and evolving rhyme. I also like the repetition of the last stanza with edits. More importantly, it is relatable. IMO S3 L2 is the crux. You nail that line and you've got a winner.
Take care,
bryn
PS critique is the currency, what's your bottom line?
Posts: 695
Threads: 139
Joined: Jun 2015
A lot of rust on this one I'm afraid, but it will hopefully lead to future efforts.
The repetition of the last stanza just doesn't work for me- almost like you couldn't think of an ending, and decided to repeat the first stanza formatted differently.
Forcing the rhyme in s.2 didn't help my reading.
Sorry to seem harsh in BASIC, but if you added some bones to this one it would help.
Respectfully (as possible),
Mark
Posts: 1,187
Threads: 250
Joined: Nov 2015
(04-19-2025, 12:00 PM)Wildcard Wrote: I'll
never ever be
a regular guy.
I'll never ever e-
ven give it a try.
I'll ever cleverly
deny the lie.
But
I'll never,
ever be
a regular,
guy.
Seriously, though, this is quite an exact minimalist form, though I can't put my finger on the name for it. A rhyme, B rhyme, and a tightly modified refrain. The key is that the last stanza is a refrain rather than a repetition. Implying that it goes on and on. Staking out "a regular" on the second to last line suggests "a regular," that is, the guy who's always at the same table down the pub every night. And never with the same girl... or any.
Non-practicing atheist