Elegy For A Bee

[Ved]

It bumbled by her with a buzz
cherubic tiny ball of fuzz.
She grabbed a slipper, aimed it - whack!
Poor bee. It came with no attack.

And if she slew you, hallowed bee
what would she fear to lay on me
who, even quicker than I'm telling,
would vex her with a mortal swelling?

[dukealien]

It bumbled by her with a buzz
cherubic tiny ball of fuzz.  "cherubic" is delightful here
She grabbed a slipper, aimed it - whack!
Poor bee. It came with no attack.  Could have exclamation point after "bee" but you just used one, so stet.  Second sentence is confusing.

And if she slew you, hallowed bee  "hallowed" is nice, but the line needs a comma at the end, too
what would she fear to lay on me  over-complicated and lacking imagery
who, even quicker than I'm telling,
would vex her with a mortal swelling?  tempted to replace "would vex" with "vexed" for the beat, but that would be past rather than subjunctive.

A cute and possibly raffish puzzle-poem.  Is the speaker a malarial mosquito, a cobra, or a fantasizing light lover?  "Mortal" suggests the first, but to some women "embarrassment" is a fate worse than death.  And its alternate termination is death, too, by some reckonings.

"It came with no attack" (L4)  is problematic.  "It" could refer to bee or its demise, "no attack" would be the bee's peaceful intentions.  Perhaps roll some image in there, but make it obvious you're saying the bee did nothing to deserve it.

Line 6 is also problematic.  You want to say, "she'd surely kill me" - "what murder would she aim at me," for example (pardon the rewrite, please).

Very clever, with its deniable double meaning!

[Mark A Becker]

It bumbled by her with a buzz
cherubic tiny ball of fuzz. odd word choice, but good rhythm
She grabbed a slipper, aimed it - whack!
Poor bee. It came with no attack. this is a very strange way of describing a harmless bee, as if we'd even know a bee's intent.

And if she slew you, hallowed bee archaic languge ain't working for me
what would she fear to lay on me line straining backwards for the rhyme
who, even quicker than I'm telling,
would vex her with a mortal swelling? a very convoluted way of saying if she hits me I'll hit back.

Ved- you are really stretching for rhymes here. This reads more like an exercise on how to force rhymes than a poem.

Poor bee, now a used to bee.