Perfection

[poetry_zealot]

gaping holes

inadequately stitched
by fraying strings


the needle swims
through flesh
then tugs at
forgotten heartstrings


seams meld with flesh
becoming flawless scars
(evidence of imaginary trials)


a smile
my smile
the teeth are still slightly
crooked

[CRNDLSM]

gaping holes

inadequately stitched
by fraying strings 
I think my issue here is there are a lot of verbs but no verb, gaping, Stitched, fraying, all adjectives?

the needle swims is this the needle that stitched them? Thars the verb
through flesh
then tugs at
forgotten heartstrings are these old strings the needle stitched?


seams meld with flesh
becoming flawless scars

evidence of imaginary trials 


a smile
my smile so I'm lost now, I've sewn the lips shut, flesh seams, 
the teeth are still slightly
crooked what do the teeth have to do it with? These the gaping holes sewn shut

Insecurities? Scars. Teeth, holes, trials
Just sharing my thought process when reading it
Thanks for sharing 

[poetry_zealot]

gaping holes

inadequately stitched
by fraying strings 
I think my issue here is there are a lot of verbs but no verb, gaping, Stitched, fraying, all adjectives?

the needle swims is this the needle that stitched them? Thars the verb
through flesh
then tugs at
forgotten heartstrings are these old strings the needle stitched?


seams meld with flesh
becoming flawless scars

evidence of imaginary trials 


a smile
my smile so I'm lost now, I've sewn the lips shut, flesh seams, 
the teeth are still slightly
crooked what do the teeth have to do it with? These the gaping holes sewn shut

Insecurities? Scars. Teeth, holes, trials
Just sharing my thought process when reading it
Thanks for sharing 

Thanks for your feedback. Will consider the points you have made. 

[Mark A Becker]

Hello zealot-

I think this part could be omitted :
seams meld with flesh
becoming flawless scars

evidence of imaginary trials

And maybe trim this section:
a smile
my smile
the teeth are still slightly
crooked

I understand this as the N viewing a real scar as a metaphor for internal scars, and like how the final lines add a humorous twist. Still, I think less would equal more.

Also- if you wonder where everybody went, check out the thread called MILO's FORUM : 2025 NaPM, where we're writing a poem a day for National Poetry Month. I think you'd like to join in, and I hope to see you there.
... Mark

[poetry_zealot]

Hello zealot-

I think this part could be omitted :
seams meld with flesh
becoming flawless scars

evidence of imaginary trials

And maybe trim this section:
a smile
my smile
the teeth are still slightly
crooked

I understand this as the N viewing a real scar as a metaphor for internal scars, and like how the final lines add a humorous twist. Still, I think less would equal more.

Also- if you wonder where everybody went, check out the thread called MILO's FORUM : 2025 NaPM, where we're writing a poem a day for National Poetry Month. I think you'd like to join in, and I hope to see you there.
... Mark

Ok! Thank you for your feedback and I'll definitely check out NaPM. I'll see you there!

[rowens]

Your poetry has good bordering on great imagery.

Read up on Negative Capability, and use your talents to form Genius.



Your capacity for creative language is fine.
Use this.

[poetry_zealot]

Your poetry has good bordering on great imagery.

Read up on Negative Capability, and use your talents to form Genius.



Your capacity for creative language is fine.
Use this.

Thank you! I'll read into negative capability now and think about ways to fully utilize it.