Need space?

[The_system_screams]

always
        need
            space
not to fill
               but to let fall
                  the weight
                      of breath,
                             of pause,

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OLD VERSION
always—
        need
            space
not to fill
               but to let fall
                  the weight
                      of breath,
                             of pause.
like:
`

[poetry_zealot]

always—                                                                                       I think this is just a personal thing but the em dash at the end of the first line really throws me for a loop as it doesn't make much sense grammatically. The only thing I can see this being an attempt at is generating artificial space.
        need
            space
not to fill
               but to let fall
                  the weight
                      of breath,
                             of pause.                    Perhaps replace the period on this line. It adds finality to the poem which contradicts with the pause you want to generate at that point. Maybe replacing it with another comma or even semicolon would work better.
like:                                                     I recommend perhaps striking this out since, in my opinion, it doesn't really contribute much to the poem and ending it on "of pause" has a much better effect.
`

Beautiful, just beautiful use of space in this poem. It works so well in conjunction with the title and message of your poem. Overall, I really like it though it could be polished a little bit more.

[The_system_screams]

always—                                                                                       I think this is just a personal thing but the em dash at the end of the first line really throws me for a loop as it doesn't make much sense grammatically. The only thing I can see this being an attempt at is generating artificial space.
        need
            space
not to fill
               but to let fall
                  the weight
                      of breath,
                             of pause.                    Perhaps replace the period on this line. It adds finality to the poem which contradicts with the pause you want to generate at that point. Maybe replacing it with another comma or even semicolon would work better.
like:                                                     I recommend perhaps striking this out since, in my opinion, it doesn't really contribute much to the poem and ending it on "of pause" has a much better effect.
`

Beautiful, just beautiful use of space in this poem. It works so well in conjunction with the title and message of your poem. Overall, I really like it though it could be polished a little bit more.

Thank you for your kind words and critique. I will take them to heart and I agree, I see where the poem would be more effective to convey the sense of space without ending the poem like I did.