Scars

[Lynn Mary]

Scars are my tattoos.
On my body; on my soul
They tell my story.

[Mark A Becker]

Hi Lynn-
Your senryu would work better with a sharper twist at the last line.
That's the most difficult thing with this form- how to juxtapose those last 5 syllables.

Also- check out the NaPm25 thread in 'MILO's Forum. That's where a lot of us are concentrating on the poem/a/day challenge.

... Mark

[Lynn Mary]

I appreciate the feedback. Thank you.

[The_system_screams]

The image is easy to grasp, nicely conveyed, and actually the more I read it the deeper it felt. As Mark A Becker pointed out though, the poem would be able to cut even deeper if you could ponder it more, create the juxtaposition that could hit it even deeper and make it more potent.

Thank you for the poem, I liked it.

[Lynn Mary]

Thank you for the comment. I truly appreciate it.

[brynmawr1]

Scars are my tattoos.
On my body; on my soul
They tell my story.

Hi Lynn,

Forgive the rewrite but this is how I see it.

Scars are my tattoos
on the body of my soul-
a story untold

I guess my point is try to be more circumspect.  Play around with it.  You've got a lot to work with.
Bryn

[polarberry91191]

I believe there could be more added. Like bryn said it should end off on something. It feels like it should be continued.

[tun]

Scars are my tattoos.
On my body; on my soul
They tell my story.

Here there seems to be an assumption of authority, intimacy, or significance where none has been earned. There is the presentation of a private experience—a claim about suffering and identity—but there is no substantial reason to trust judgment, taste, or insight. There’s no frame, no context, no aesthetic or intellectual grounding, no demonstration of craft or facility that would earn the reader’s attention or credibility. In short - it is impossible to know the meaning of the words presented. It seems to be saying; 'In life - there is memory and experience.' There is no indication to who or what those memories or experiences 'tell a story to' - or what the purpose of the 'telling' might be?