Death Interludes Lullabies

[poetry_zealot]

Death Interludes Lullabies



Hush    little baby
                            sleep, now—
                                                   the stars have turned
                                                   their backs to light
oh little breath
                           don’t stray
                                                 too far
                           the dark is softer
              than you fear
no monsters await
                         your dreamless nights
             only
                                                  nothing
                    (you won’t see it)
a blink
             then
                      the world      forgets
you
             this pause
                                      this
                                                     stop—
                                                                 are all that remains
between the seconds
time doesn’t                                                       pass
                                        you do
so sleep, now—
                        and bring your breaths
                                                                        to night
i’ll hold the silence
                                                   ‘til your breath of life

Inspiration for structure credit: The_system_screams. Thank you. This wouldn't have been possible without inspiration from your works.

[CRNDLSM]

Death Interludes Lullabies



Hush    little baby
                            sleep, now—
                                                   the stars have turned
                                                   their backs to light
oh little breath
                           don’t stray
                                                 too far
                           the dark is softer
              than you fear
no monsters await
                         your dreamless nights
             only
                                                  nothing
                    (you won’t see it)
a blink
             then
                      the world      forgets
you
             this pause
                                      this
                                                     stop—
                                                                 are all that remains
between the seconds
time doesn’t                                                       pass
                                        you do
so sleep, now—
                        and bring your breaths
                                                                        to night
i’ll hold the silence
                                                   ‘til your breath of life

This seems like it could be critiqued a hundred different ways, the first half for me the form works,  but towards the end I can't focus, it's too broken.   But maybe it's supposed to break.  I'm imagining the poem about a baby sleeping, but it's dead, which is kinda morbid but also totally literarily valid material.  Perhaps I dont understand what this poem is saying or what it's about and that could be my fault, maybe the presentation is why I dont understand, or maybe I'm not supposed to understand and dead baby visions are accurate, I have no idea, I'm sorry I can't be more helpful

[poetry_zealot]

Death Interludes Lullabies



Hush    little baby
                            sleep, now—
                                                   the stars have turned
                                                   their backs to light
oh little breath
                           don’t stray
                                                 too far
                           the dark is softer
              than you fear
no monsters await
                         your dreamless nights
             only
                                                  nothing
                    (you won’t see it)
a blink
             then
                      the world      forgets
you
             this pause
                                      this
                                                     stop—
                                                                 are all that remains
between the seconds
time doesn’t                                                       pass
                                        you do
so sleep, now—
                        and bring your breaths
                                                                        to night
i’ll hold the silence
                                                   ‘til your breath of life

This seems like it could be critiqued a hundred different ways, the first half for me the form works,  but towards the end I can't focus, it's too broken.   But maybe it's supposed to break.  I'm imagining the poem about a baby sleeping, but it's dead, which is kinda morbid but also totally literarily valid material.  Perhaps I dont understand what this poem is saying or what it's about and that could be my fault, maybe the presentation is why I dont understand, or maybe I'm not supposed to understand and dead baby visions are accurate, I have no idea, I'm sorry I can't be more helpful

No worries, it's alright. The thought you've put into this poem clearly shows the care with which you approached this. As for what you've mentioned, I will take it to heart and consider them when editing this piece. Thank you for your time!

[The_system_screams]

To read between the lines what the spaces intentions are is where this poem resides for me. For me this reads like the first-time parent watching his little one sleep and that magical moment. You want silence yet not too much, see them breathe is just exactly that. I think the worries are portrait through those pauses and uncertainty. From this section:

            this pause
                                      this
                                                    stop—                                  //Here we have the worries manifesting
                                                                are all that remains    //And just watching
between the seconds
time doesn’t                                                      pass                //almost holding your breath yourself.
                                        you do                                              //so simple, elegant and poignant
so sleep, now—
                        and bring your breaths
                                                                        to night
i’ll hold the silence                                                                    //the watcher
                                                  ‘til your breath of life              //- and the child oblivious about the concerned parent

I like it. I unfortunately can't say much more. I've said it before and say it again - you have a knack of seeing and understanding space within poems and it shows here. The spaces read to me. You use it for space, for pause, for framing, for symmetry... it's all good.

[poetry_zealot]

To read between the lines what the spaces intentions are is where this poem resides for me. For me this reads like the first-time parent watching his little one sleep and that magical moment. You want silence yet not too much, see them breathe is just exactly that. I think the worries are portrait through those pauses and uncertainty. From this section:

            this pause
                                      this
                                                    stop—                                  //Here we have the worries manifesting
                                                                are all that remains    //And just watching
between the seconds
time doesn’t                                                      pass                //almost holding your breath yourself.
                                        you do                                              //so simple, elegant and poignant
so sleep, now—
                        and bring your breaths
                                                                        to night
i’ll hold the silence                                                                    //the watcher
                                                  ‘til your breath of life              //- and the child oblivious about the concerned parent

I like it. I unfortunately can't say much more. I've said it before and say it again - you have a knack of seeing and understanding space within poems and it shows here. The spaces read to me. You use it for space, for pause, for framing, for symmetry... it's all good.

This wouldn't have been possible without the inspiration from your pieces. In fact, writing this comment just reminded me to credit you as the original inspiration behind the structure of this poem. So thank you for helping me further my own poetry and find joy in writing it again.

[Mark A Becker]

Hello zealot-
A poem that starts off describing a lullaby, then devolves into a 'reality check' of sorts.

no monsters await
your dreamless nights I'm quite sure that babies dream. I'm sure I did, but don't remember.

only nothing a blink
then the world forgets you Life passes quickly, then you die, forgotten. Not a very realistic description of what parents wish for their kids.

time doesn’t pass
you do Really? The narrator seems to impart a hopelessness which colors the poem with a fatalistic brush.

In my own experience, I wish the best for babies, even when I know that the hardships of life lie ahead. Being from a large family, I know many parents, and all of them have been more optimistic for their kids than the were for themselves. That bias of mine makes the sentiment of this poem hard for me to accept.

I eliminated the white spaces to see how this would read. For me, those white spaces don't add anything meaningful, except for some hesitance on N's part. In fact, this one has more immediate impact, as it takes a very worrisome turn, without the white spaces. I'm not so sure that you're achieving the intended effect. For me, the form interferes with the poem.

Respectfully,
Mark