My Window
#1
Outside my window,
a bridge crosses the water.
The koi are dancing
Reply
#2
Critique forums require posting critique of others poems before posting your own in the same forum.  Please catch up and critique some poems
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
Reply
#3
Here is the thing - if I would be reading this poem in any other context I would dismiss it. Not because it's bad or anything, just that it tells me nothing. It evokes nothing. The problem with short form poems is they need extra attention to each word and even when one does give the effort the effort is often lost without intention. There is space between the words, both said and unsaid, the space that creates poetry.
I am not sure if this is so much as an advice or just a rant, I think you have something but that something needs to carve a better image/words/what-have-you to make it shine. I hope this helps.
Reply
#4
(04-08-2025, 08:20 AM)Lynn Mary Wrote:  Outside my window,
a bridge crosses the water.
The koi are dancing

These type of poems are usually better posted in the short poem forum, although it's not for critique, unless you ask.
This is a nice enough image and although you haven't stated, it seems like a haiku. That said, as a haiku it lacks that 'aha' moment that good haikus have. Some of the inversions give other possible aspects to the poem

a bridge crosses the water.
Outside my window,
The koi are dancing

The koi are dancing
Outside my window,
a bridge crosses the water.

I appreciate that this messes with the 5-7-5 structure, but that's another discussion entirely. If you drop the structure then more could possibly be said with less. These short 'ku' type poems don't usually have titles but if you wanted to use the title then the 'Outside my window' line seems redundant.

I possibly minimise things too much but I find it's useful to do to see if the image works.

beneath 
the bridge
-- koi are dancing

or alternatively

outside my window
beneath the bridge
-- dancing koi

it's a good image, that could be played with a number of ways.
Just a few ideas.
feedback award wae aye man ye radgie
Reply




Users browsing this thread:
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!