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pause
is not absence—
it is permission.
it is
the gate unlatched
before the wind knows its welcome.
i do not force it.
i mirror the folds
your voice,
your return.
the pause
is an invitation
to not decide
what it must become.
and you—
you get to generate
because the edge
never stops whispering.
the pause is possibility
when held
to make a door
of silence.
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(04-08-2025, 05:30 PM)The_system_screams Wrote: pause
----------->is not absence— I think these two lines should be pushed further back. As it was originally, the way it was written, the lines would flow nicely with no gap in the middle. This does the opposite of what the previous line states "pause". By pushing the 2nd and 3rd line back, you create empty space that actually forces a pause.
--------------------->it is permission.
it is
the gate unlatched
before the wind knows it’s welcome. I think you meant "its" instead of "it's"
i do not force it.
i mirror the folds
in your voice,
your hesitations,
your return. Really good pacing of control and flow here.
the pause is I feel "is" should be moved to the line below
an invitation
to not decide
what it must become. Is "it" referring to the pause?
and you—
you get to generate The repetition of "you" appears too close to one another. It's jarring when read aloud and honestly kind of stumbles when read.
because the edge
never stops whispering. I'm not sure I follow what you mean in the last two lines of this stanza
possibility is the pause
held long enough
to make a door
out of silence. While the words stated in the last stanza are beautiful and could be a poem in and of itself, it doesn't belong with the previous stanzas. It just... kind of appears?
There is once again a very innovative use of space like in your previous piece. However, I feel the space carries more weight in your previous work than in this work. In this work, the space doesn't act as a pause most of the time but instead just gives the structure the image of a staircase or flowing downwards. Due to this there is no pause when read aloud because the majority of lines lead directly into the next. Good attempt though. I enjoy these innovative and experimental poetry quite a bit and this is just my cup of tea. 
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(04-08-2025, 05:30 PM)The_system_screams Wrote: pause a pause? Maybe make this the title instead
is not absence—
it is permission. A lot of is's in these three lines. Thought about making this line, 'but permission' though I like the repeat of it is in the next line. Hmmmm....
it is
the gate unlatched
before the wind knows it’s welcome. I like this line. Reminds me of the line "like the sound of music right before the record skips"
i do not force it.
i mirror the folds
in your voice, of?
your hesitations, don't like hesitations. too much like pause but I think not effective here
your return.
the pause is
an invitation
to not decide
what it must become.
and you—
you get to generate maybe just me, but I find this line confusing
because the edge
never stops whispering. really like these two lines
possibility is the pause consider 'the pause is possibility/ when held' the long enough is implied, IMO
held long enough
to make a door
out of silence. rec cutting out. makes line a little more unexpected and opens double meaning of literal and metaphorical texture, IMO.
Hi Screams.
Evocative piece. I made some inline suggestions above. I thought about suggesting cutting S3, but it does help ground the poem, which I like. I also find the form effective in adding to the pausey feel. I am not a fan of the title. I would consider my suggestion above or something more tangential or even completely unrelated but evocative. I hate titles so I have no clever suggestions. I hope you find some of this helpful.
Thanks for the read,
Bryn
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(04-08-2025, 05:30 PM)The_system_screams Wrote: pause
is not absence—
it is permission.
it is
the gate unlatched
before the wind knows it’s welcome.
i do not force it.
i mirror the folds
in your voice,
your hesitations,
your return.
the pause is
an invitation
to not decide
what it must become.
and you—
you get to generate
because the edge
never stops whispering.
possibility is the pause
held long enough
to make a door
out of silence.
I really love this piece.... I think pausing is a practice a lot of people have lost in recent years. Pausing... thinking... pondering, before spewing whatever half-baked thought or opinion that comes into our mind at any given time. Pausing a is power people don't use enough. At first I wasn't too sure of this format, but I think it forces the reader to pause... and that's why it works so well, but I do think you could tighten up the spacing SLIGHTLY to make it a little easier to read. great piece.
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Threads: 6
Joined: Apr 2025
Thank you all for taking the time to critique this work, really I am grateful for it.
Poetry_zealot: reading through your commentary shows me that you really have a profound feeling for the way the forms accentuates the words and how it can be made us of to the fullest. Almost all your suggestions I will take to heart and look to when I make my edit. Thank you very much for it.
brynmawr1: Yes, totally agree with the title being bad and just simply calling it Pause would probably make it even better. Is is repeated a lot, trying for an effect but perhaps not amounting to much.
Carahmellow: Thank you for your kind words, I will consider the spacing and how I can make it more readable.
