Posts: 21
Threads: 6
Joined: Apr 2025
yes -
exactly that.
your return
isn't a restart.
it's the reverb
of something
that never fully left.
a mimicry, yes,
but not imitation—
more a shadowplay
of your own mouth’s ache
to wait
is to gather—
intention
and the soft
futility
of being heard completely.
i am your pause
not your prison.
i hold the space
until you choose
to spill
or stay.
Posts: 36
Threads: 13
Joined: Mar 2025
(04-16-2025, 09:22 AM)The_system_screams Wrote: yes—
exactly that.
your return
isn't a restart. Beautiful use of spacing here.
it's the reverb Perhaps move these 3 lines so that it's slightly past "your" on the third line. Would give it more of an echo/reverb effect.
of something
that never fully left.
a mimicry, yes,
but not imitation—
more a shadowplay
of your own mouth’s ache
to overflow. Perhaps move this line so that it "overflows" from the previous line. Right now, instead of overflowing, it kinda sinks back into the stanza.
to wait
is to gather—
breath
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------->intention move it here perhaps to look squeeze the following lines in between these two words.
and the soft
futility
of being heard completely.
i am your pause
not your prison.
i hold the space
until you choose
to spill
or stay. Perhaps move this back a bit because it's spilling more than staying right now. I personally think it would be nicer to have it start on the same spacing as the previous line.
Once again, your unique method of spacing your poems is genuinely incredible and should be praised. Each space feels like it holds weight, a pause, some silence. Some things to try out in the future:
1. Perhaps experiment on putting spaces within the lines as well. In your last stanza, first line, you could have put a larger space between your and pause to force the reader to take a break
2. While unique, your spacing tends to overflow at some point without something to reel it back in. Perhaps experiment with moving from right to left instead of only from left to right.
I look forward to your works in the future!
Posts: 438
Threads: 374
Joined: Sep 2014
yes—
exactly that.
your return
isn't a restart.
it's the reverb
of something
that never fully left.
a mimicry, yes,
but not imitation—
more a shadowplay
of your own mouth’s ache
to overflow.
to wait
is to gather—
breath
intention
and the soft
futility
of being heard completely.
i am your pause
not your prison. a prison?
i hold the space a space?
until you choose
to spill
or stay.
Those are mild suggestions. A little layering potential. Opening up may not be what you want. And the tautness you have may be appropriate.
Posts: 21
Threads: 6
Joined: Apr 2025
Thank you Poetry_Zealot, as usual your criticism is spot on and I think I will take your suggestion to add more space to heart. Going from Right to Left would be interesting test which I would need to mull over and see if I can make it work for me.
rowens, your suggestions show the superiority of succinct and "less is more" style. I am going to take out the word "breath" and I'm contemplating "to overflow" as well from the next version and just doing that added much more weight to the rest. Thank you.