Love?

[poetry_zealot]

love


flesh gnaws at flesh
bits and pieces
lost to starving meat

bones chip and stab
their euphonic shriek
shaking palpable veins

yellow vomit sways
in deep empty cavities
bubbling acid

you
etched


carved


burned


loved
my persistent smile.

[The_system_screams]

well, that was surprisingly bleak. And I'm not sure what it is trying to say except repulsion. Perhaps it's more of a feel? All this physical reactions, these uncomfortable bodily functions. Perhaps this is a black-out after a breakup? That's why it is so physical and incoherent?

It is not for me. I do like it that you keep the uncomfortable at the front, that it's a thread through the poem but I feel like the poem lost something of its meaning somewhere. Like the thing that makes it resonate. It has a husk around it but no beating heart.

Sorry I can't be more help.

[poetry_zealot]

well, that was surprisingly bleak. And I'm not sure what it is trying to say except repulsion. Perhaps it's more of a feel? All this physical reactions, these uncomfortable bodily functions. Perhaps this is a black-out after a breakup? That's why it is so physical and incoherent?

It is not for me. I do like it that you keep the uncomfortable at the front, that it's a thread through the poem but I feel like the poem lost something of its meaning somewhere. Like the thing that makes it resonate. It has a husk around it but no beating heart.

Sorry I can't be more help.

thanks for the feedback. I see what you mean and I'll make the appropriate changes.

[Pebbel~Lady]

love


flesh gnaws at flesh
bits and pieces
lost to starving meat

bones chip and stab
their euphonic shriek
shaking palpable veins

yellow vomit sways
in deep empty cavities
bubbling acid

you
etched


carved


burned


loved
my persistent smile.

---

I really like what you have here and i think i understand what you are trying at. From how i read your poem, it reminds me of how love consumes you and in a way your partner, it especially kind of reminds me of how Cannibalism is often times used as a metaphor/symbolism for love. In the best way possible your poem feels jarring and repulsive, like you want to reject the love.  My only thing is it feels like its missing something, could you maybe dig deeper? especially since you have really good imagery! I just think it needs a little more "story" to it, a more coherent narrative. this is really good though, i like it a lot!