Untitled - suggestions for a name are welcome

[poetry_zealot]

“am i beautiful?” “no”
“but they praise my
wonderful wings—” “and
avert your myriad eyes”
“i bring warmth, love,” “hate
fear sadness as well” “what about
my devotion? it soars beyond the sky”
“yet ultimately arrives to hell” “then,
what about you? are you beautiful?”
“yes” “they abhor you though.” “of course
I am made of bone” “whereas i share their skin,
their hopes, their secrets.” “that is your
evil” “... i don’t understand.”
“you can not” “so… 
am I beautiful?” “no.”


Structure Inspiration: Tower of Babel by Wislawa Szymborska

This is my first time writing like this, so feedback is most definitely necessary.

[The_system_screams]

“am i beautiful?” “no”                                              
“but they praise my
wonderful wings—” “and
avert your myriad eyes”
“i bring warmth, love,” “hate
fear sadness as well” “what about
my devotion? it soars beyond the sky”
“yet ultimately arrives to hell” “then,
what about you? are you beautiful?”
“yes” “they abhor you though.” “of course
I am made of bone” “whereas i share their skin,
their hopes, their secrets.” “that is your evil"                  
evil” “... i don’t understand.”
“you can not” / line-break
“so… 
am I beautiful?” “no.”



Structure Inspiration: Tower of Babel by Wislawa Szymborska

This is my first time writing like this, so feedback is most definitely necessary.

I like the idea of quotation marks demarking the speaker. For me when they sit in the same line it feels like the two figures are quickly responding while if the quotation marks start in the next line we have a pause between speakers. The duality, the contradiction is nice, I like that. I think this kind of form could have potential, might need another try on another piece or perhaps even many dozens more until it matures. I think the play with the quotation marks can wield some interesting results and I'd definitely would read another. It jars, makes you stop, makes you think, you slow down the reading process. Just what a (in my own opinion) good poem should.

[Pebbel~Lady]

“am i beautiful?” “no”
“but they praise my
wonderful wings—” “and      I like how the second subject cuts off the first 
avert your myriad eyes”
“i bring warmth, love,” “hate            Two sides of the same coin?
fear sadness as well” “what about
my devotion? it soars beyond the sky”
“yet ultimately arrives to hell” “then,                  
what about you? are you beautiful?”
“yes” “they abhor you though.” “of course
I am made of bone” “whereas i share their skin,
their hopes, their secrets.” “that is your
evil” “... i don’t understand.”
“you can not” 
“so…                     This line would pack a better punch if you broke it right here, it adds more of an emphasis and a pause, gives it more of that question feel. 
am I beautiful?” “no.”


Structure Inspiration: Tower of Babel by Wislawa Szymborska

This is my first time writing like this, so feedback is most definitely necessary.

---

I don't think i've read a poem like this before, but it works really well. The two subjects seem like they are replying quickly, almost cutting each other off. with the dialogue alone you get an image of how these two speakers act and behave, their personalities shine in just the way that they speak. the use of italics to make sure you know which subject is speaking is also a nice little touch. I think if you work on this style of poetry you could flesh it out really well and make it your own, other than that i really like it!

Quick add on, the more i read this the more i feel like its a conversation between life and death? the duality of man in its two states? the harshness of the second subject and the softer tone of the first. I dont know thats just a thought.

[Ash]

Your poem feels raw, mythic, and emotionally tense, with natural dialogue that builds a haunting atmosphere. Small refinements can sharpen it, but the roughness strengthens the aching honesty of the piece.

[meadzbabyy]

Great poem, it's very mythic. The dialogue feels very natural yet poetic at the same time. I can't think of anything i'd really change/critique except for what the other commenter said, the addition of "so..." would make it hit a bit harder. As for a title, maybe "You&Me"?