My Shattered Dreams

[twowza]

Today is the day after the 2024 election.
Yesterday, I felt hopeful. Proud. Eager and excited.
Today, I feel discouraged. Disappointed… but not shocked.
My worst dreams came true last night.
 
North Carolina – Red
Georgia – Red
… Pennsylvania – Red
 
Hope and optimism – lost
I knew what was coming.


I have been deceived into believing the American people have changed.
They care about women, they value women,
They want us to succeed.
 
Newsflash! THEY DON’T
They never did.
 
When will there be a time where women are in power?
Power over their lives?
Power over their own bodies?
Power over the country?
 
When will people choose a capable, intelligent, deserving leader
Over a deceitful, hateful, careless man?
I spend my whole life trying to be the role model I never had
Trying to break barriers, trying to uplift others, trying to pave a way.
 
Is it even worth it if someone like him
always wins?
 
I have been deceived into believing the glass ceiling would be shattered.
Instead, my dreams are what is being shattered.

[CRNDLSM]

Sometimes poetry is too specific and personal to be universally relatable. I understand the pain, but it's spinning 'venting'. I also don't want to give the specific man any attention at all, it just fuels the party. He's had too much attention. I can't tell if the poem is more politically charged or gender charged. I wish there was a more subtle way here to show the frustration of a woman in this country's current political environment, but some women are actually proud of this state, transwomen? Legally now there's no such thing so, I don't know. My suggestion is put the anger aside to bring me into poem, I want to feel your pain so any party can relate. Good luck

[RiverNotch]

This just isn't very poetical. There's very little metaphor, and what is present is common---lost hope, breaking barriers, uplifting others, paving a way, glass ceiling, the title---and, aside from some pedestrian lists, no sound effects, no hooks. Not so much you need to go *back* to the drawing board, as you need to go to it in the first place. Some possible avenues:
(1) Describe the days before, during, and after the election. Focus on the images, on the concrete objects, that signify your emotions during those days.
(2) Use metaphors for the sort of good you desire and what sort of bad transpired. Since I'm currently cloaked in Greco-Roman myth, the thing to pop in mind is maybe the Amazons, or the cabal of nymphs Artemis surrounds herself with, versus the fall of Troy, the raping and enslaving of the city's surviving women.
(3) Put the events of 2024 through a deeper and more incisive analysis. Why did Trump really win against Kamala? Was it just because the American people are stupid, or is it because the people who voted for Trump are genuinely as hateful and careless as their role model? Also, is it just because Kamala is a woman? What about her race or, more contentiously, how she positioned herself as a centrist versus Trump's populism? And, ultimately, is the problem just in this one election? We've had something like this happen in 2016. Also consider rising prices, stagnating wages (except for billionaires, whose wages are increasing), America's inherent exceptionalism and how half of it was founded as a slave state and the other half as a Capitalist paradise, the human tendency to scapegoat each other versus actually working on their own problems---the systems in place, rather than this their particular fruit.
(4) Finally, aside from all this, what do you think one can actually do against this fascist tide? Nihilism is stupid---Nietzsche himself thought so---so what about some words of encouragement? Some calls to action?

[meadzbabyy]

I personally appreciate the raw emotion and powerful message at the heart of your poem. Your voice comes through with clarity, and your frustration is palpable—something many readers will connect with on a deep level. That said, I would echo what some others have mentioned: incorporating more poetic flair and literary devices such as metaphor, imagery, alliteration, or varied line structure could elevate the piece further. Right now, the poem reads more like a personal journal entry or a political statement (which is valid and important), but adding those poetic elements could enhance the emotional resonance and impact while still preserving the message. You clearly have something to say, and now it’s about refining how it’s said so the form matches the weight of the content

[dukealien]

Today is the day after the 2024 election.
Yesterday, I felt hopeful. Proud. Eager and excited.
Today, I feel discouraged. Disappointed… but not shocked.
My worst dreams came true last night.
 
North Carolina – Red
Georgia – Red
… Pennsylvania – Red
 
Hope and optimism – lost
I knew what was coming.


I have been deceived into believing the American people have changed.
They care about women, they value women,
They want us to succeed.
 
Newsflash! THEY DON’T
They never did.
 
When will there be a time where women are in power?
Power over their lives?
Power over their own bodies?
Power over the country?
 
When will people choose a capable, intelligent, deserving leader
Over a deceitful, hateful, careless man?
I spend my whole life trying to be the role model I never had
Trying to break barriers, trying to uplift others, trying to pave a way.
 
Is it even worth it if someone like him
always wins?
 
I have been deceived into believing the glass ceiling would be shattered.
Instead, my dreams are what is being shattered.

Coming to this late, and in basic critique, I can only add emphasis to what others have said about using more poetic devices and tactics.  This will seem to take you a step away from plainly stating your beliefs and sentiments, but will make it easier for those who don't entirely share them to empathize.  (Those who agree with you all down the line are sort of built-in empaths... you don't really need to write for them, do you?)

Use of free verse seems to be the way to go for political expressions (including cultural issues that have, unfortunately, become political).

So, in Basic and as technically as possible:  use shorter lines.  "...always wins?" has more impact than "I have been deceived... shattered."  Shorter lines also force you to summarize and go to the root of what you want to express; they also (little trick here) have the focal points - start and end - out where they're automatically emphasized.  Compare your "Instead, my dreams are what is being shattered" to (pardon the rewrite) "Instead, my dreams are shattered" or even "Instead, my shattered dreams."  Less is more.

There's also a danger in repeating talking points - glass ceilings, for example, approach cliche as do some of your other expressions.  Be fresh, be unexpected.  You have something to say and I, for one, would like to hear it:  I have great difficulty understanding the near-breakdown angst triggered by both the 2016 and 2024 elections without attributing it to base motives and would like to be informed or convinced otherwise.

As an experiment, count words and rewrite with, say, a third of the word count.  And be original:  you may feel powerless, but you have *total control* of what you write!