Wonderland

[poetry_zealot]

i once built my own
world: i colored the canvas
with the scent of sweet air
chasing winter;


i painted roads with 
tombstones, masquerading
as bricks, tastelessly gossiping
with an empty sky;


i fostered myths using
fingernails, endlessly
grown and discarded in
an ephemeral greenhouse;


i loved so much, hate gained
form, gently caressing the wind
in a sea of never-ending
apple trees;


i created a world
with toothpicks,
just to call it
Wonderland.

[dukealien]

i once built my own
world: i colored the canvas
with the scent of sweet air  "scent of sweet air" is almost too related for the rest of the poem
chasing winter;  back to semi-sequiturs - nice


i painted roads with 
tombstones, masquerading
as bricks, tastelessly gossiping
with an empty sky;  though I perceive it as unintended, the issue of whether the painter or the bricks is tasteless comes to mind.  It could be resolved by removing a comma or two from the verse, but the ambiguity is fun, so stet.


i fostered myths using
fingernails, endlessly
grown and discarded in
an ephemeral greenhouse;  not sure what was intended here, but the theme of organic growth is new here for the poem:  it didn't mention wearing down the crayons from S1.


i loved so much, hate gained
form, gently caressing the wind
in a sea of never-ending
apple trees;  was the reference to the Garden of Eden here intended, or is it just me (which would make the speaker God)?  Against that, the "sea of ... apple trees" brings to mind Disney's "Johnny Appleseed" cartoon ending where the orchard extends up into the clouds.


i created a world
with toothpicks,  after a well-chewed meal, that is?
just to call it
Wonderland.  Capitalization at last, which even "i" didn't rate.  And a period to close a sentence begun with a minuscule.  Seriously, though, this is a good way to end the poem.  It speaks to intent rather than formless fantasy.  Alternatively, it was a lot of thought-work for a product which was "just" Wonderland.

In mild critique, this is made up of a series of visions or fantasies which do have a central theme of something aimless turning out to have a point  (toothpicks (g) ).  Aside from the comments above, my only suggestion is changing the title so it refers to the journey(s) rather than the endpoint.

The typography of "i" may have some significance, but it didn't impress me.  Which is not to say it's wrong, only that as it happens I didn't get it.

[Richard]

Hey poetry_zealot,
I agree with duke about this sounding like god is the speaker. That would probably explain the lower case "i" too. I would think this is being done as a way to go against the convention of the capitalization of "God." My suggestion would be to rework the title to give the reader a hint at god being the speaker, if that is the case. Because once I thought about this as being from god's point of view, it really impacted how I read it, which might be something you want to the reader to do right away. Plus, other than the repetition at the end, I don't find Wonderland an overly effective title. I'm no bible expert, but does god or any angels ever refer to earth as "wonderland?" I get a feeling it might be a personal reference, and if this is the case, you need to dive deeper into it to communicate that to the reader. Now onto the poem itself:

i once built my own
world: i colored the canvas
with the scent of sweet air
chasing winter; -Is this setting up the creation of time/seasons? Why not change "sweet air" to something more specifically spring or summer oriented?


i painted roads with 
tombstones, masquerading
as bricks, tastelessly gossiping
with an empty sky; -I like a lot of the imagery here. However, it doesn't really work with the painter image from above. I would suggest replacing "painted" with something more in keeping with the rest of the imagery here.


i fostered myths using
fingernails, endlessly
grown and discarded in
an ephemeral greenhouse; -I get what you're going for here, yet I wonder if you should try to include more imagery of a compost too? It is a powerful idea to bring life and belief into being from decay.


i loved so much, hate gained -I really love the idea of love giving shape to hate.
form, gently caressing the wind
in a sea of never-ending
apple trees; -Why not change this to something about a half eaten apple or a rotten apple or a wormy apple? Might be more in keeping with the tone of the poem. To me, the image of apple trees falls a bit flat.


i created a world
with toothpicks,
just to call it
Wonderland. -I don't get this ending at all, other than connecting back to the title. Maybe change it to "Earth" or "The World" or something with broader appeal. I like the idea of avoiding caps until this though. It adds great empahsis to the ending and gives the reader some food for thought.

Overall, I think you got a strong start here and just need to play around with this to get this poem to where it needs to be.

Cheers,
Richard

[Ryan Geoffrey Hayward]

"i once built my own
world: i colored the canvas
with the scent of sweet air
chasing winter;"

I love this verse, Winter is cold in our hearts but you contradict with what you wish for. Spring, warmer climate.




i painted roads with
tombstones, masquerading
as bricks, tastelessly gossiping
with an empty sky;

A bit cliche until the two last lines that are really good.


i fostered myths using
fingernails, endlessly
grown and discarded in
an ephemeral greenhouse;

The green mouse mention symbolling fragility is a great way to end this verse.


i loved so much, hate gained
form, gently caressing the wind
in a sea of never-ending
apple trees;

Again I love the contrast here is how ugly you feel with the never-ending and and wishing for true beauty with the apple trees, line.



i created a world
with toothpicks,
just to call it
Wonderland.

You ended the poem with so much simplicity and the toothpicks line does not gel. I would have ended it with the last verse.

Great poem, though that doesn't imo need much revision.

Wonderland to end is good though,indicating you wish were young again and to start over.