Somewhere, Sometime Nobody Will Know

[poetry_zealot]

when the devil whispers
through closed lips,
and god forgets to respond,
come find me in my
log cabin lost in the woods.


there, i’ll set a fire to
a miniature birch grove
settling in my fireplace:
crimson flames will gently lick
white phosphorus off dismal bark.


i’ll invite you to sit
in the embrace of an open
iron maiden, loving the silence
between the unspoken words
set alight by drifting sparks.


we’ll stay there til the cabin
breathes its bated breath;
til the woods shudder and flee
from the starving rim of oblivion;
til we teeter on an edge we can’t see.


then, we’ll laugh like we’re
one step behind the past
and blame the pitiful ashes
on a stray dream passing by,
riding a still breeze.

[Ryan Geoffrey Hayward]

I really love this, not only did you rhyme and flow so beautifully but the imagery came out really well. One suggestion is I felt repetition of the woods, maybe focus on your feelings and less on the place. But still, I really loved this. Especially the last verse which came across very strong.

[adagio]

when the devil whispers
through closed lips,
and god forgets to respond, -- for me, this pictures the devil as a rude child, and god as a parent. So the whole situation is difficult but not completely without love and hope. I think this is an extremely powerful beginning, Bravo!
come find me in my
log cabin lost in the woods.


there, i’ll set a fire to
a miniature birch grove
settling in my fireplace: -- this tells me that the fireplace is a reflection if the world outside. Perhaps it's a metaphor for the human soul? That makes sense!
crimson flames will gently lick
white phosphorus off dismal bark. -- why is the bark "dismal"? I guess we need to continue with the reflection metaphor? Then I'd say the bark represents the surface of our lives, and the fire of the soul needs to get through it to reach the core. That makes sense! However, somehow I still don't like "dismal". If's the first attitudinal word in the poem and it feels a little off.


i’ll invite you to sit
in the embrace of an open
iron maiden, loving the silence -- "iron maiden" is a torture device, a place of extreme suffering. This does not really fit the mood here, does it? (even if it looks like a stove)
between the unspoken words
set alight by drifting sparks. -- this describes the mood really well


we’ll stay there til the cabin
breathes its bated breath;
til the woods shudder and flee
from the starving rim of oblivion;
til we teeter on an edge we can’t see. -- all this says to me: we'll sit there til something magical happens. The impermanent world will flee and we'll come to the edge of something different. 
My problem with this (and the next) stanza is that they state things but do not help me feel or believe that this is what's going to happen. I detach. Words like "rim of oblivion" or "edge we can't see" are pure abstractions, and they do not help me make the leap I need to make here.


then, we’ll laugh like we’re
one step behind the past -- I can't say I understand this simile 
and blame the pitiful ashes
on a stray dream passing by,
riding a still breeze.

---

Overall, I LOVED the beginning, but the past two stanzas seem somewhat abstract and did not say much to me. It would be really great to see a more fleshed out ending.