Wardour street

[JamesG]

Wardour Steet (revised 0.1)


In the small Soho cafe, you sat,

a crippled explosion of joy.

The waiters circled you like acolytes,

charmed serpents, supplicant at your feet.

Too close to your sun, I trembled

and like the wax that held

your wings to my shoulders,

I melted, combusted, skin

sloughed from my body,

blood boiled and burned,

my bones so much ash,

falling to drift out the doorway

to mingle with the crowds in the street.


Original Poem


In the small Soho cafe, you sat,

A crippled explosion of joy.

The waiters circled you like acolytes

your smile burning them to the ground

Too close to your heat, I stood

And like the wax that held

my wings to my shoulders

I melted, combusted, my skin

Sloughed from my body,

My blood boiled and burned

My bones so much ash

Falling to drift out the doorway

To mingle with the crowds in the street.

[dukealien]

In the small Soho cafe, you sat,

A crippled explosion of joy.  An arresting image, though it might suggest the beloved ("you") is crippled rather than the explosion being stunted (by respect, awe, or the waiters trying and failing to maintain their gravitas).

The waiters circled you like acolytes the missing comma at end of line here is fine - could be comma, em dash, but all unnecessary

your smile burning them to the ground  this line needs to flow better - "burns" for "burning," perhaps, or "charcoal" for "the ground"

Too close to your heat, I stood better word than "heat," perhaps... "flame," but more intense

And like the wax that held  not a fan of capitalizing here

my wings to my shoulders  narrator discloses that he's an angel - or Icarus

I melted, combusted, my skin a more descriptive, specific word than "my" here?

Sloughed from my body,  same here for "body" - "frame?"

My blood boiled and burned how would these two lines look with "my" removed from the second - or from both?

My bones so much ash  nice alliteration 

Falling to drift out the doorway

To mingle with the crowds in the street.  this might be a spot for "mingling" - avoids repetition of "to"

---

In moderate critique:  this is certainly intense, and (fast lookup) Wardour is a film street where one might expect to find a star or idol  being served in a club or other establishment.  It expresses the devastation of being hopelessly smitten by fame, or just dynamite looks... of someone else.

I found the somewhat inconsistent capitalization and punctuation a bit distracting, but that's just me.  Maybe it would work as well with standard forms... but the randomness adds to the feeling that this narrator is dissolving, becoming disorganized before our eyes.  So stet.

The wax-attached wings suggest Icarus and the Sun (who is your Daedalus that set you up for this fall?) 

I pictured the narrator as male and idol as female, but it could work as well with a male idol.  For some reason, I see a female narrator stop with melting - prejudice, no doubt.

Main suggestion is to use less common words where possible.  I always recommend checking each use of "the" for better options, but this is such a life-changing, unique moment (for the narrator, not the idol who surely doesn't notice) that "the" is mostly appropriate.  Also, as you edit, consider spots where a word would intensify by its absence - those two "My" for example... who else's body is burning?  The waiters'?

Concluding:  I like the way there's no hint of cynicism - the narrator is really all in.  A reader might look down his nose at the helpless fan, but the fan's emotions are genuine.

[JamesG]

Thanks for the reply and criticism DukeAlien, it all seems on the money. This poem was written about a relationship I had with someone when I was working on Wardour Street for the now sadly defunct MPC; I met them in a cafe there and I always remember that they seemed to glow like a splash of technicolor against the monochrome of the London streets. This was written a bit off the cuff and there are definitely too many "my"s  in it (and some dodgy punctuation), which I will look at, as much as I like a bit of repetition. 

I take you point here 
" Main suggestion is to use less common words where possible.  I always recommend checking each use of "the" for better options, but this is such a life-changing, unique moment (for the narrator, not the idol who surely doesn't notice) that "the" is mostly appropriate."

although I think there is always a balance to be struck between being too basic and too obscure.

[JamesG]

Something of a rewrite.



In the small Soho cafe, you sat,

a crippled explosion of joy.

The waiters circled you like acolytes,

charmed serpents, supplicant at your feet.

Too close to your sun, I trembled

and like the wax that held

your wings to my shoulders,

I melted, combusted, skin

sloughed from my body,

blood boiled and burned,

my bones so much ash,

falling to drift out the doorway

to mingle with the crowds in the street.

[busker]

Something of a rewrite.



In the small Soho cafe, you sat,

a crippled explosion of joy.

The waiters circled you like acolytes,

charmed serpents, supplicant at your feet.

Too close to your sun, I trembled

and like the wax that held

your wings to my shoulders,

I melted, combusted, skin

sloughed from my body,

blood boiled and burned,

my bones so much ash,

falling to drift out the doorway

to mingle with the crowds in the street.

Hi James - the way we do it here is that the rewrite goes into the original post at the top of the thread. What you do is you write 

[Title here] [Edit 1.0 (or whatever number you'd like)]

...
[revised poem here]
...

[Original title][Original]
...
[original poem here]
...

You can also hide the Original poem with

tags if you wish
We do it this way to make it easier for someone to see what the original post was, what the revised version is, and what's changed.

[JamesG]

Ah, ok thanks!

[dukealien]

Something of a rewrite.



In the small Soho cafe, you sat,

a crippled explosion of joy.

The waiters circled you like acolytes,

charmed serpents, supplicant at your feet.

Too close to your sun, I trembled

and like the wax that held

your wings to my shoulders,

I melted, combusted, skin

sloughed from my body,

blood boiled and burned,

my bones so much ash,

falling to drift out the doorway

to mingle with the crowds in the street.

Good job - coming along nicely.  Nice shift to make the Daedalus/Icarus figure definite.  Not sure about the new double simile for the waiters, though dwelling on them does fortify how much their presence affected the narrator.  Jealous or envious?