Shoes

[meadzbabyy]

My toes touch the wind
as I stand on the edge.
I look all the way down,
and nothing looked in.
The void does have eyes,
yet it refused to use them,
as if looking at me
were its original sin.

Why is that?
Why have I lost your trance?
Forever longing for your attention
begging for one more prismatic chance

In your absence, I breathe
And that very act
               hurts me
I ignored the tension,
begged for your glance,
but your milky beads
only stared away
               from me.

What did you pledge
when you carefully built
your ivory hedge?
Its fronds were familiar,
so I stapled my lips
to all its patched leaves—
yet still, I couldn’t scream.
My words only dripped,
then bubbled to steam.

And if they stayed solid,
I’d still have no words to choose.
Because if I did,
I would’ve worn
shoes.

[poetry_zealot]

My toes touch the wind
as I stand on the edge.
I look all the way down,
and nothing looked in.            This line is slightly confusing to me. I can't tell if what you're saying is nothing looked back into your eyes or if "nothing" itself looked into your eyes.
The void does have eyes,
yet it refused to use them,
as if looking at me
were its original sin.                      Should be "was" not "were" but that's a minor thing. Also I think using "the" instead of "its" is more powerful since it would imply that looking at the speaker is the very first sin committed in the world and not just "it". Though it takes away from the interpersonal relationship of the two so stet.

Why is that?
Why have I lost your trance?
Forever longing for your attention
begging for one more prismatic chance                            I'm not really sure these last two lines are really necessary here as they don't really add more. The latter stanzas make up for what would be removed here.

In your absence, I breathe
And that very act
               hurts me                   The second and third line of this stanza stumble a bit. For me, this was because I couldn't decide what rhythm to read those two lines with (trochaic or iambic) so I had no idea where to place the emphasis when read aloud.
I ignored the tension,
begged for your glance,                This line can substitute what can be removed from the last two lines of the previous stanza.
but your milky beads                    Beautiful imagery, though, I'm curious if the word "pearl" works better here instead? It's just a personal thing so you can take it as the rambling of a lunatic.
only stared away
               from me.

What did you pledge
when you carefully built
your ivory hedge?                                  Interesting representation of a hedge through representing it as made of ivory. Are you implying that the built hedge (separation) is valuable? Or is there something else I'm missing here?
Its fronds were familiar,
so I stapled my lips
to all its patched leaves—              I get the symbolism though the imagery doesn't really work here.
yet still, I couldn’t scream.
My words only dripped,
then bubbled to steam.                     This is certainly a novel way to represent words. I really like the imagery of words leaving unintentionally, then being lost by boiling and diffusing into steam which has more entropy and thus gets dispers— I got ahead of myself. But still really good imagery. However, this does imply a hostile environment (i.e. temperature hot enough to boil water) so is that what you want to portray as well?

And if they stayed solid,                      I personally think "even" is a better word here than "and" as it suggests more inevitability.
I’d still have no words to choose.
Because if I did,
I would’ve worn
shoes.                                   Interesting... shoes. To be quite honest, I'm not quite sure what that means. I have a feeling for it though I'm not sure. It also feels slightly off from the rest of the poem and there's nothing within the poem that ties back to the shoe so its appearance in the last line is unexpected and confusing for me.

Overall, this was a really interesting poem to read and analyze and it was a much needed breather after the unspeakable horrors that was finals. Your imagery is immaculate and your symbolism is superb. Some areas to work on: I had some issues regarding repetition of personal pronouns ("I" and "me") in your poem as they appear way too frequently; sometimes you sacrifice content for symbolism (which isn't wrong in all cases); your opening felt lackluster compared to the rest of the poem. Expanding on that last point, it felt kind of cliche and more expository than the rest of the poem. It also felt slightly slow. TLDR, this was a great poem with some areas to improve mostly regarding clarity and I hope to read more works from you in the future.

[meadzbabyy]

My toes touch the wind
as I stand on the edge.
I look all the way down,
and nothing looked in.            This line is slightly confusing to me. I can't tell if what you're saying is nothing looked back into your eyes or if "nothing" itself looked into your eyes.
The void does have eyes,
yet it refused to use them,
as if looking at me
were its original sin.                      Should be "was" not "were" but that's a minor thing. Also I think using "the" instead of "its" is more powerful since it would imply that looking at the speaker is the very first sin committed in the world and not just "it". Though it takes away from the interpersonal relationship of the two so stet.

Why is that?
Why have I lost your trance?
Forever longing for your attention
begging for one more prismatic chance                            I'm not really sure these last two lines are really necessary here as they don't really add more. The latter stanzas make up for what would be removed here.

In your absence, I breathe
And that very act
               hurts me                   The second and third line of this stanza stumble a bit. For me, this was because I couldn't decide what rhythm to read those two lines with (trochaic or iambic) so I had no idea where to place the emphasis when read aloud.
I ignored the tension,
begged for your glance,                This line can substitute what can be removed from the last two lines of the previous stanza.
but your milky beads                    Beautiful imagery, though, I'm curious if the word "pearl" works better here instead? It's just a personal thing so you can take it as the rambling of a lunatic.
only stared away
               from me.

What did you pledge
when you carefully built
your ivory hedge?                                  Interesting representation of a hedge through representing it as made of ivory. Are you implying that the built hedge (separation) is valuable? Or is there something else I'm missing here?
Its fronds were familiar,
so I stapled my lips
to all its patched leaves—              I get the symbolism though the imagery doesn't really work here.
yet still, I couldn’t scream.
My words only dripped,
then bubbled to steam.                     This is certainly a novel way to represent words. I really like the imagery of words leaving unintentionally, then being lost by boiling and diffusing into steam which has more entropy and thus gets dispers— I got ahead of myself. But still really good imagery. However, this does imply a hostile environment (i.e. temperature hot enough to boil water) so is that what you want to portray as well?

And if they stayed solid,                      I personally think "even" is a better word here than "and" as it suggests more inevitability.
I’d still have no words to choose.
Because if I did,
I would’ve worn
shoes.                                   Interesting... shoes. To be quite honest, I'm not quite sure what that means. I have a feeling for it though I'm not sure. It also feels slightly off from the rest of the poem and there's nothing within the poem that ties back to the shoe so its appearance in the last line is unexpected and confusing for me.

Overall, this was a really interesting poem to read and analyze and it was a much needed breather after the unspeakable horrors that was finals. Your imagery is immaculate and your symbolism is superb. Some areas to work on: I had some issues regarding repetition of personal pronouns ("I" and "me") in your poem as they appear way too frequently; sometimes you sacrifice content for symbolism (which isn't wrong in all cases); your opening felt lackluster compared to the rest of the poem. Expanding on that last point, it felt kind of cliche and more expository than the rest of the poem. It also felt slightly slow. TLDR, this was a great poem with some areas to improve mostly regarding clarity and I hope to read more works from you in the future.

Wow, thank you so much for the in depth read/critique/review. It means so much to me, you don't even know. I completely agree, I used way too many "i"s and "me"s, luckily that will be fixable. You're also 100% correct, I'm totally swapping in both was, even and pearls. The line removal completely makes sense as well, my Achilles heel is being unable to trim my own fluff (probably something ego related, LOL) With regard to the opening and closing, the line which created confusion for you was meant to convey both meanings you identified... but I don't know if that works. The bare feet / shoes connection is supposed to be a metaphor for lacking the proper protection/guidance/wherewithal, and due to this deficiency, it forces the speaker to have this sort of feeling/conversation/experience. I think if I were to rewrite the opening, I'd keep the core tenants but sub in some better metaphors and language. I'll take this advice and revise in the next couple of days. Once again, thank you so much!