2nd Draft: Buying Love Poetry at a Thrift Store

[Richard]

“Buying Love Poetry at a Thrift Store”

Pages gone so dull
paper cuts became kisses
that can never be.

Yellowed poems trying
their damnedest to be red
and remind me of love

being more than boxes
left in an attic, waiting 
for a postmortem yard sale.


1st Draft:

“Buying Love Poetry at a Thrift Store”

Pages gone so dull
paper cuts became kisses
that can never be,
and yellowed love tries
at not forgetting it was born
from red,
while the poet is ghostly
footsteps in an attic
no one cares enough
to clutter with clutter.

[meadzbabyy]

“Buying Love Poetry at a Thrift Store”

Pages gone so dull
paper cuts became kisses First two lines are awesome, you do a good job at setting the stage
that can never be,
and yellowed love tries maybe it's just me, but I do not know what this means. Soured love? Or the yellowed pages of an old book? Sub in a more original or a book-related descriptor
at not forgetting it was born
from red, nice pun, if that was your intention
while the poet is ghostly
footsteps in an attic
no one cares enough this works great as is, but i think it is good enough to expand upon a bit more. maybe a new line?
to clutter with clutter. i love word play like this, but i wouldn't reserve it for the last line. Either add another line or change up the wording... just my opinion though! if you want to keep it, maybe mess with the structure? ex: to             to
                                                        clutter         clutter

Overall, a fantastic poem that if tweaked could be elevated into something even better than it already is. the opening really drew me in, and the "footsteps in the attic" is a very memorable line to me. I could almost here the feet above me. Keep writing, I enjoyed your work!

[Richard]

Thanks for the feedback meadz, especially your input about the last line. I was curious if it worked or was too much.

[brynmawr1]

“Buying Love Poetry at a Thrift Store”

Pages gone so dull
paper cuts became kisses  become, I think to keep sense of tense and sonically it seems to read better to me
that can never be,    recommend period here
and yellowed love tries   A? if following above suggestion
at not forgetting it was born   this is unnecessarily awkward.  doesn't 'at not forgetting'='remembering'?
from red,    semicolon?
while the poet is ghostly   the poet only ghostly, maybe, or 'now ghostly'
footsteps in an attic
no one cares enough
to clutter with clutter.  Not sure about this last line.  Doesn't work for me but could be a cultural reference I don't get.  My suggestion, 'to hear'.

Hi Richard,
I really like your basic premise and most of the execution.  I have made some mild suggestions above which you are certainly free to ignore.
take care,
bryn

[RiverNotch]

Nits. The poem might be bettered as a whole if the first few lines led to a complete sentence, i.e.:

Its pages have gone so dull
paper cuts become kisses
that could never be,

The "and" in line three could be removed, and "tries" could be modified:

yellowed love tries and fails
at not forgetting it was born
from red,

A modifier feels like it's missing for "ghostly / footsteps":

while the poet is some ghostly
footsteps in an attic

And, for the sake of rhythm, the last lines:

no one cares enough to clutter
with more clutter.

[Richard]

Hey Bryn and RiverNotch,
Thanks for the feedback. You both gave me a lot to think about with this one. I kind of thought I was being too cute with the ending, so loving the feedback on that especially.

Thanks again,
Richard

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I've done a 2nd draft for this one. The more I edited the yellowed love line, the more the entire poem changed from there. I might have gutted it too much, but time and feedback will tell.