Last Morning at Ballynahinch Castle

[brynmawr1]

Last Morning at Ballynahinch Castle

It’s just me and the morning sun
and a pot of strong coffee among
the song of anonymous birds and
the fisherman below my terrace
balanced on the bank of the Owenmore
having tied a semblance of hope
to the end of his line, which he floats
over the water to the metronome 
of his lagging heart, again and again
he lays the long snake of his line to drift
with the roil unconcerned about what gifts
might rise from these dark waters.

This isn't the poem I set out to write.  The original was much more ambitious, but I put that aside for a cleaner version.  Maybe someday I'll expand.

[busker]

Last Morning at Ballynahinch Castle

It’s just me and the morning sun
and a pot of strong coffee among … slice of life, but distracting 
the song of anonymous birds and … “anonymous” is meh 
the fisherman below my terrace
balanced on the bank of the Owenmore
having tied a semblance of hope … too many lines of a similar length. Reads like prose.
to the end of his line, which he floats
over the water to the metronome … unexpected choice of metaphor. Not sure it works.
of his lagging heart, again and again
he lays the long snake of his line to drift ….nice 
with the roil unconcerned about what gifts
might rise from these dark waters. … this for me is the standout line in the poem. It’s a great ending, but what comes before doesn’t do it justice.

This isn't the poem I set out to write.  The original was much more ambitious, but I put that aside for a cleaner version.  Maybe someday I'll expand.

[brynmawr1]

Last Morning at Ballynahinch Castle

It’s just me and the morning sun
and a pot of strong coffee among … slice of life, but distracting maybe, worked better in the longer version 
the song of anonymous birds and … “anonymous” is meh will consider alternatives
the fisherman below my terrace
balanced on the bank of the Owenmore
having tied a semblance of hope … too many lines of a similar length. Reads like prose.  guess I hoped the rhythm and some rhyme might negate that.  I can work on the line breaks
to the end of his line, which he floats
over the water to the metronome … unexpected choice of metaphor. Not sure it works.  bummer, I thought it a clever description of fly fishing, maybe the 'lagging heart' bit is too much?
of his lagging heart, again and again
he lays the long snake of his line to drift ….nice 
with the roil unconcerned about what gifts
might rise from these dark waters. … this for me is the standout line in the poem. It’s a great ending, but what comes before doesn’t do it justice.

This isn't the poem I set out to write.  The original was much more ambitious, but I put that aside for a cleaner version.  Maybe someday I'll expand.

Hi Busker,
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.  I'm happy with one good line per poem, well, maybe 1.5 and the rest a good read.  Like I said, this was the tightest part of a larger poem so I thought I would release the single, as it were.  Doesn't bode well for the whole album!  Regarding the prosaic indulgence, I have been shying away from a more lyrical style mostly out of feeling like I over do it sometimes.  And, a lot of the time the form isn't a conscious decision but what the poem morphs into, and this is how it ended up.
Thanks again,
Bryn

[nana]

Last Morning at Ballynahinch Castle

It’s just me and the morning sun
and a pot of strong coffee among
the song of anonymous birds and 
the fisherman below my terrace
balanced on the bank of the Owenmore
having tied a semblance of hope
to the end of his line, which he floats
over the water to the metronome 
of his lagging heart, again and again
he lays the long snake of his line to drift
with the roil unconcerned about what gifts
might rise from these dark waters.

This isn't the poem I set out to write.  The original was much more ambitious, but I put that aside for a cleaner version.  Maybe someday I'll expand.

I really like how the poem does a good job of painting a picture of a fisherman taking his time with his task. He is unconcerned with the gifts but he has a "lagging heart," which shows he wants something yet he's willing to wait with hope on the other end of the line. The fisherman part was enjoyable to read, the beginning was lacking in good adjective. You definitely could have used something better for "morning sun" and "strong coffee", but this is me nitpicking. 
I would like to mention the "anonymous fish" statement, even though I know a previous critique already mentioned it. The problem with that term is it makes it seem like you are in a unfamiliar place, but the rest of the poem feels homey, like you've been observing the the fisherman for a while.