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Joined: Jun 2025
The place we once laid upon, strung up with lies
Rocks and kitchen sharp objects deceived us
Made us believe beauty was found in sight
But we are no longer beautiful
Age made our hearts spin out of our two chests
What once was ours has now been split upon
It came with its fist in the air, stressed
A fine tune for neighboring ears to hear
Like lightning, a heavenly like ode
What once was ours, let it come once again
Let his eyes wander through familiar roads
And his feet remember his way back home
A love like ours can revive through rough words
A love like ours will one day find its chord.
Posts: 438
Threads: 374
Joined: Sep 2014
The place we once laid upon, strung up with lies
Rocks and kitchen sharp objects deceived us
Made us believe beauty was found in sight
But we are no longer beautiful
First stanza may take some time getting used to but is fine.
Age made our hearts spin out of our two chests
What once was ours has now been split upon
It came with its fist in the air, stressed
A fine tune for neighboring ears to hear
Like lightning, a heavenly like ode
What once was ours, let it come once again
Let his eyes wander through familiar roads
And his feet remember his [the{?}] way back home
Why "his"?
A love like ours can revive through rough words
A love like ours will one day find its chord.
Posts: 471
Threads: 204
Joined: Dec 2017
(06-29-2025, 12:27 AM)nana Wrote: The place we once laid upon, strung up with lies
Rocks and kitchen sharp objects deceived us ... 'kitchen sharp objects'?
Made us believe beauty was found in sight ... what made you believe? the rocks? the place that was earlier personified as a person who's been 'strung up with lies'? The metaphor of the place as a person has somehow been forgotten already by line 3.
But we are no longer beautiful
Age made our hearts spin out of our two chests
What once was ours has now been split upon ... 'split upon' isn't a legitimate expression. Could be 'split' or 'spit upon'
It came with its fist in the air, stressed
A fine tune for neighboring ears to hear
Like lightning, a heavenly like ode ... the 'like' is poor grammar
What once was ours, let it come once again
Let his eyes wander through familiar roads ... there's a new metaphor in every strophe for the same things, without any sort of linkage or connection
And his feet remember his way back home
A love like ours can revive through rough words
A love like ours will one day find its chord.
Hi nana - the poem needs some corrections in grammar and better consistency in the metaphors used.
Good start, but you need to revise.
