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A bad idea snuck around
Inside the terrain of my mind,
I saw it rolling behind my eyes,
When I laid in bed at night.
It strolled through my dreams,
Disguised as me,
Telling me things
That tickled my ear.
That bad idea, grabbed my heart,
Frolicked in my soul,
Took my hand and
Wore my skin.
Oh dear,
how did I get here?
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(06-30-2025, 06:25 AM)nana Wrote: A bad idea snuck around
Inside the terrain of my mind, … “around” and “inside” two conflicting prepositions. Should
I saw it rolling behind my eyes,
When I laid lay in bed at night. … is the bad idea sneaking around or rolling? It’s doing too many different things at once
It strolled through my dreams,
Disguised as me,
Telling me things
That tickled my ear. … this strophe is good. It makes sense only when seen as a realisation upon waking up (I got bad ideas in my dream), and it can be confusing but in “showing rather than telling”, holds the reader’s interest
That bad idea, grabbed my heart,
Frolicked in my soul,
Took my hand and
Wore my skin. …. This is a whole bunch of nonsensical cliches. Better to cut it out.
Oh dear,
how did I get here? …. Not the most interesting of endings
Hi nana - the idea is good, but the execution needs a bit of work
Posts: 438
Threads: 374
Joined: Sep 2014
A bad idea snuck around
Inside the terrain of my mind,
I saw it rolling behind my eyes,
When I laid in bed at night.
It strolled through my dreams,
Disguised as me,
Telling me things
That tickled my ear.
That bad idea, grabbed my heart,
Frolicked in my soul,
Took my hand and
Wore my skin.
Oh dear,
how did I get here?
The closing rhyme could remain. How did I get here?
Seems better if you keep that.
How did I get . . . ?
Oh dear.
Posts: 46
Threads: 54
Joined: Sep 2025
I like how the poem personifies the “bad idea” almost as a trickster-double of the speaker — rolling behind the eyes, disguising itself, even “wearing your skin.” That imagery gives the feeling of an invasive thought that slowly becomes indistinguishable from the self. The ending couplet works well because it pivots from eerie description to a plain, vulnerable question.
If anything, I wonder if you could heighten the contrast between the playful tone (“frolicked,” “tickled my ear”) and the darker undertone of being overtaken — leaning into that tension could make the piece feel even more unsettling.
