Posts: 59
Threads: 11
Joined: Mar 2013
I thought I heard your voice
passing through the gaps in the fence
when the wind kicked up again
It is always you
Today has been opening jars of pennies
stubs of things we did
napkins with your love notes
When I sat down last night
slowly falling into the couch
a glimpse, heart skip
almost caught you in my today
I don’t know where you are
or who we have become
Organizing drawers, in every corner
there are pieces of us
latent fingerprints, evidence
we saw our endless selves in
I miss you
I miss us
the us
that lives
and breathes
of what we were
our winds
kicking up again
singing our names
to our kids
between gaps
we see
forever in
Posts: 42
Threads: 10
Joined: Jul 2024
I like this but I think that some of it might be a bit redundant.
(08-06-2025, 08:14 AM)tmanzano Wrote: I thought I heard your voice
passing through the gaps in the fence
when the wind kicked up again
It is always you I I would lose this as the "you" is already implied
Today has been opening jars of pennies
stubs of things we did
napkins with your love notes
When I sat down last night
slowly falling into the couch
a glimpse, heart skip
almost caught you in my today
I don’t know where you are
or who we have become I don't think this part really works here.
Organizing drawers, in every corner
there are pieces of us
latent fingerprints, evidence
we saw our endless selves in
I miss you
I miss us
the us
that lives
and breathes
of what we were
our winds
kicking up again
singing our names
to our kids
between gaps
we see
forever in
Drastic I know, but I would lose, or at least re-write, all of this, as I don't think it adds anything to the poem. Maybe take the "I don’t know where you are
or who we have become" sentiment to make a better ending?
Posts: 438
Threads: 374
Joined: Sep 2014
I thought I heard your voice
passing through the gaps in the fence
when the wind kicked up again
Using fewer words makes things less clunky for the tongue and to the ear.
Eliminating unnecessary words makes room for imagination to play.
Is the Aspect 'thought' necessary? Gaps and Wind say "I thought" without saying it, exciting the imagination.
It is always you
Today has been opening jars of pennies
stubs of things we did
napkins with your love notes
When I sat down last night
slowly falling into the couch
a glimpse, heart skip
almost caught you in my today
The wording of the opening line: Today has been... and the closing: almost caught you...
The first works, the second doesn't. It would work if you led up to it with some suggestion of catching or being caught.
This could easily be remedied with some play of the Pennies, Jar and Couch. The act of you falling could be worded slightly differently to make it work.
I don’t know where you are
or who we have become
Organizing drawers, in every corner
there are pieces of us
latent fingerprints, evidence
we saw our endless selves in
I miss you
I miss us
the us
that lives
and breathes
of what we were
our winds
kicking up again
singing our names
to our kids
between gaps
we see
forever in
And throughout.
