Assholes Anonymous

[Mark A Becker]

Assholes Anonymous

Hi, my name is Mark, and I'm an asshole.
Well, Fuck You! You're supposed to say, hi Mark.
Sorry about that. Look, I'm trying to find a group
but it's hard to be an asshole, and be anonymous.

If you’re an alcoholic you can hide it
and nobody needs to know
outside of your AA group.
Not so if you’re an asshole-

assholes are obvious- like the guy in the store
the other day who loudly berated his wife
for trying to choose the wrong toilet paper.
That guy must be a real sensitive asshole.

And that really does make me wonder-
why is it that assholes are always guys?
When was the last you heard someone
call a woman an asshole? Think about it.

Sometimes I'm called a real asshole; well
at least I'm not a fake one. Or a complete asshole;
ah yes, the gold standard. I made it for a few
hours one day. Probably because I was alone.

But as soon as I get out in public, it strikes.
I try to restrain it. Like in the grocery store
when a kid is whining for candy. I might just say,
excuse me, but your kid is acting like a real brat.

But sometimes I can't resist full asshole mode
and blurt out, Lady, if that was my kid
I'd beat the snot outta that little shit!
You know what that kid’ll grow up to be…

Seriously though, if you know of
an Assholes Anonymous group
please let me know. I gotta go now
because my dog is in the car.

I had to bring him today or he'd shit
all over the house. I know it's 90 degrees
but I left a window cracked. And I did let him out
to do his business before coming in.

Watch your step leaving, because he left a big pile on the sidewalk...