Bird Watching

[Poet-dude-ig]

Notes: I have a call and response poem written about the starling girl haunting the mind of the thrush boy where she slowly drives him to insanity by repeating:
You''ll search the woods for the last of it all,
For when you meet your fate,
it will be inside it.
This is meant to be seen as the prelude for that poem.

Bird Watching

A starling falls from the branches of spruce
somber shine finding her feathers
A symphony has found her
Now where hath the source be

Edging the lake a thrush hums a tune
A harmony far out-reaching
The hardness of rock contrary
To the allure of this boy

Strangers meeting eyes
at once the song may stop
A gentle voice interrupts silence
Beckoning the Starling closer

The boy studies her intently
Searching for familiarity
where there is not
The starling approaches closer

Step by step the thrush grows in size
Overshadowing the allure of a starling
Evoking fear from serenity
Ridding the forest of this starling

[dukealien]

Notes: I have a call and response poem written about the starling girl haunting the mind of the thrush boy where she slowly drives him to insanity by repeating:
You''ll search the woods for the last of it all,
For when you meet your fate,
it will be inside it.
This is meant to be seen as the prelude for that poem.

Bird Watching

A starling falls from the branches of spruce  simplify:  perhaps lose "A" and "the"
somber shine finding her feathers
A symphony has found her  dynamite line - perhaps use a different word from "finding" in previous line to avoid repetition
Now where hath the source be  "hath" (archaic for "has") sits oddly here... perhaps something like "where might its source be?"

Edging the lake a thrush hums a tune  perhaps lose "a" to make the unseen thrush slightly generic?  And the second "a" with "his?"
A harmony far out-reaching
The hardness of rock contrary
To the allure of this boy perhaps a little inversion/contraction for flow... "To this boy's allure" (and put the powerful word at the end)

Strangers meeting eyes  another dynamite line - hesitate to suggest 'touching" vice "meeting"
at once the song may stop
A gentle voice interrupts silence this line needs something - not "interrupting"  but a different verb.  Maybe.
Beckoning the Starling closer lovely use of alliteration and assonance

The boy studies her intently
Searching for familiarity
where there is not  consider "it" or "none" here?
The starling approaches closer  "approaches closer" a bit repetitious... perhaps a more descriptive verb than "approaches?"

Step by step the thrush grows in size  "enlarges?"  or "predominates," if that's what you mean... but the image is good, leading to shadow next
Overshadowing the allure of a starling  maybe "the starling's shy allure" or the like
Evoking fear from serenity  this is a good line, impactful, but the cause-effect is more confusing than startling
Ridding the forest of this starling  for big finish, go stark:  "Ridding forest of starling" or similar

In basic critique, please don't take the above suggestions/criticisms too much to heart.  In addition to the above, the typography draws a little (unwanted?) attention to itself:  if (absence of) capitalization is meant to show a succeeding line is a continuation of the previous in the form of a sentence, a period would be expected (or a question mark in some cases).
 
The third stanza, for example, the last line is set off by capitalization ("Beckoning") when it seems to be a continuation of the third line.  And here "Starling" is capitalized but it is not elsewhere.  Is this significant?

All that said, the poem is evocative and pleasing.  Those little disparities of typography are not very important as the reader pursues the story/images; suggestions could make it easier for him, but the present inconsistencies help create a sense of slight disorganization, of wildly mild nature.

(And my birdwatcher self would add to the incident, Then a Mockingbird arrived and sang them both out of town!)

P.S. Nice ambiguity in the title!