The Photo - updated: photo/graphic recall

[jeffalot]

1st edit: photo/graphic recall

Frozen and surrounded
by a black frame,
for years we stood
together, on the white
mantelpiece, dusty by habit,
clean by flashes.

Your arm around me,
as I smile,
to warm you.

Icy eyes look
out to warn me.

a break —
  a rush of knowing
      cascades of meaning
shift
and reframe,
locked in.

Glinting glances at unknown faces.
Knowing grins in familiar places.

I wonder where we stand now.


Original: The Photo

Frozen and surrounded
by a black frame,
for years we stood
together, on the white mantlepiece,
sometimes dusty, sometimes clean.

Your arm around me,
as I smile,
to warm you.

Icy eyes
look out
to warn me.

Knowing glances at unknown faces.
Warning grins in familiar places.

I wonder where we stand now.

-----------------

Hey, I wanted to share this as my first poem here. It's been going around my head for about a week, and I can't really read it critically anymore .... I haven't had too much experience with writing poetry since school, but I am keen to get feedback and to improve. I had tried some more formal poems at first, so this was my attempt at something freer. Anyway, thank you for reading, and I look forward to hearing from you.

[Deor Ana Log]

The Photo / Interesing title, could be more specific

Frozen and surrounded / is this literal or metaphorical?
by a black frame,
for years we stood / nice imagery
together, on the white mantlepiece,
sometimes dusty, sometimes clean. / maybe elaborate on this more

Your arm around me,
as I smile,
to warm you. / from who (or what?)

Icy eyes
look out
to warn me. / I'm so interested in the danger
Knowing glances at unknown faces.
Warning grins in familiar places. / using the word warn twice dilutes its impact; try a different word

I wonder where we stand now. / Great closing line!

Overall an intriguing piece that NEEDS more specificity, length, and depth in this great theme

[jeffalot]

photo/graphic recall

Frozen and surrounded
by a black frame,
for years we stood
together, on the white
mantelpiece, dusty by habit,
clean by flashes.

Your arm around me,
as I smile,
to warm you.

Icy eyes look
out to warn me.

a break —
a rush of knowing
cascades of meaning
shift and reframe,
locked in

Glinting glances at unknown faces.
Knowing grins in familiar places.

I wonder where we stand now.

-----------------------

Thank you for your reply - I found it really helpful.

Hopefully the new title gives more of sense of revisiting memories. I was aiming for a sense of ambiguity, so I am glad you asked if it is literal or metaphorical.  I wanted to describe the internal process of re-evaluating the dynamic of an abusive relationship after it has ended. (For example, if you have seen the film, The Truman Show, there is a scene where Truman sees his "wife" crossing her fingers in their wedding photos.) I wanted to capture something like that moment, of strange behaviours suddenly making sense with new meaning.

I made some other small changes, hopefully these might give a better feeling of danger/unease, or the creeping realisation of those feelings?

The line "your arm... to warm you" - I haven't changed that - I was trying incorporate two meanings:
- the surface level of, 'you' is comforting 'I', 'I' is happy and likewise the smile is meant to bring comfort to 'you'.
- 'you' is warming himself, taking warmth, you is smiling, oblivious.
I don't know if it came across well there? I wanted also to communicate some idea of 'I' being enveloped/smothered by the other person.

I would be grateful for any feedback. Thank you again.

[Deor Ana Log]

Okay first of all - great revision! By incorporating different write elements (ex: -), you've made every word important. I love how the poem reveals the twist slowly, molding past and future like seams of fabric. The meaning creeps up on the reader like the past on the narrator. Just brilliant! The only critque I have is that I am to know more about the duality of the past and present in the poem. Is there a clean cutoff between the picturesque days and the cold present, or does time blend together before this poem takes place. Thanks for a great response, looking forward to seeing where you take this piece!