Reality

[Mike Prestridge]

Möbius strip
Where to from here?
What seems to be the end,
Maybe the beginning, 
Is it true?
Have I cried wolf too many times?
If once is too many,
Then I'm guilty as charged…

The punishment for this crime,
Seems to be a bit severe,
If I had to compare it to anything,
I would say it's like my surroundings,
Big, empty, quiet, solitary, and strange,
For most, this reality would shatter them,
But for me, this reality is comforting…

There is so much room to freely roam,
Only truth and reality are visible,
There is so much to be heard in the silence,
The influence of those not present,
Allows peace to fall upon my soul…

Something lies close to me,
What it is remains a mystery,
But what it teaches is something we all need,
Reality, my friends....
Is it true?
Have I cried wolf too many times?
If once is too many,
Then I'm guilty as charged…

Verse 2

The punishment for this crime,
Seems to be a bit severe,
If I had to compare it to anything,
I would say it's like my surroundings,
Big, empty, quiet, solitary, and strange,
For most, this reality would shatter them,
But for me, this reality is comforting…

Verse 3

There is so much room to freely roam,
Only truth and reality are visible,
There is so much to be heard in the silence,
The influence of those not present,
Allows peace to fall upon my soul…

Outro

Something lies close to me,
What it is remains a mystery,
But what it teaches is something we all need,

Reality, my friends....

[dukealien]

Möbius strip
Where to from here?
What seems to be the end,
Maybe the beginning,  interesting ambiguity here, could be heard as "May be"
Is it true?
Have I cried wolf too many times?  obvious cliche moderated by another two lines later
If once is too many,
Then I'm guilty as charged…

The punishment for this crime,
Seems to be a bit severe,  "to be" seems redundant - it just seems 
If I had to compare it to anything,
I would say it's like my surroundings,
Big, empty, quiet, solitary, and strange,  go full Hemingway by dropping "and" ?
For most, this reality would shatter them,
But for me, this reality is comforting…  these last two lines could stand some deflation

There is so much room to freely roam,  perhaps start a new sentence here, this thought doesn't really predicate the next
Only truth and reality are visible,
There is so much to be heard in the silence,
The influence of those not present,
Allows peace to fall upon my soul…  perhaps "Lets" instead of "Allows" (and drop "to")

Something lies close to me,
What it is remains a mystery,  how would this look with "Yet" in place of "What it is" ?
But what it teaches is something we all need,  again, dropping "what" and "is"  might work... with a colon or em dash instead of a comma
Reality, my friends....
 
{snip} see note on word processors

In mild to moderate critique, this is an extended ramble on the nature of reality (good title) and our appreciation of it.  The cliches are somewhat moderated by playing them off against each other.

In general, the use of complex grammar  - mostly using the verb to be and "the" - seems tentative, hesitant, and wordy.  I would suggest that, in edit, you go over the poem and place all instances of "is," "be," and "the" under suspicion, removing them where possible.  That you're discussing the nature of being doesn't mean you need to use "is" and "be" a lot.  Removing them smooths the flow in reading; replacing "the" with descriptive words provides space for images, specifics.

Using a capital letter to begin each line is regarded, here, as outmoded.  I don't quite agree, but you can see where restricting it to sentence beginnings can be advantageous:  the reader will find it easier to see where one thought ends and another begins or where a seemingly unrelated thought is part of the same exploration.

Word processors:  You will have noted that what seems to be an earlier draft was included in your post in very small, grayed type.  Unless this was intentional, I suspect the use of a word processor program (looking at you, Word™ ) which saves drafts as part of its files, invisible when printed, but available to those who know how to look - or accidental exposure, as here.  This trope of Word™ is the bane of lawyers, who find their interlineal comments revealed to judges, opposing attorneys, even (horrors!) clients.  I believe they're one of the major markets for WordPerfect™ which lacks this "feature."  Personally, I highlight, copy, then paste into the Pen, which lets me avoid posting the odd note to myself as well as my Real Name.

[Quixilated]

Hey mike, welcome to the pigpen.  Please take a moment to read the site rules.  All poems posted in the workshop forums (basic, moderate, intensive) must be preceded by meaningful feedback on other member's poems in the workshops. Please also take time to review the posting requirements for feedback in each forum as they have different requirements. 
Please catch up.

Thanks, 
Quix/admin

[Mike Prestridge]

Möbius strip
Where to from here?
What seems to be the end,
Maybe the beginning,  interesting ambiguity here, could be heard as "May be"
Is it true?
Have I cried wolf too many times?  obvious cliche moderated by another two lines later
If once is too many,
Then I'm guilty as charged…

The punishment for this crime,
Seems to be a bit severe,  "to be" seems redundant - it just seems 
If I had to compare it to anything,
I would say it's like my surroundings,
Big, empty, quiet, solitary, and strange,  go full Hemingway by dropping "and" ?
For most, this reality would shatter them,
But for me, this reality is comforting…  these last two lines could stand some deflation

There is so much room to freely roam,  perhaps start a new sentence here, this thought doesn't really predicate the next
Only truth and reality are visible,
There is so much to be heard in the silence,
The influence of those not present,
Allows peace to fall upon my soul…  perhaps "Lets" instead of "Allows" (and drop "to")

Something lies close to me,
What it is remains a mystery,  how would this look with "Yet" in place of "What it is" ?
But what it teaches is something we all need,  again, dropping "what" and "is"  might work... with a colon or em dash instead of a comma
Reality, my friends....
 
{snip} see note on word processors

In mild to moderate critique, this is an extended ramble on the nature of reality (good title) and our appreciation of it.  The cliches are somewhat moderated by playing them off against each other.

In general, the use of complex grammar  - mostly using the verb to be and "the" - seems tentative, hesitant, and wordy.  I would suggest that, in edit, you go over the poem and place all instances of "is," "be," and "the" under suspicion, removing them where possible.  That you're discussing the nature of being doesn't mean you need to use "is" and "be" a lot.  Removing them smooths the flow in reading; replacing "the" with descriptive words provides space for images, specifics.

Using a capital letter to begin each line is regarded, here, as outmoded.  I don't quite agree, but you can see where restricting it to sentence beginnings can be advantageous:  the reader will find it easier to see where one thought ends and another begins or where a seemingly unrelated thought is part of the same exploration.

Word processors:  You will have noted that what seems to be an earlier draft was included in your post in very small, grayed type.  Unless this was intentional, I suspect the use of a word processor program (looking at you, Word™ ) which saves drafts as part of its files, invisible when printed, but available to those who know how to look - or accidental exposure, as here.  This trope of Word™ is the bane of lawyers, who find their interlineal comments revealed to judges, opposing attorneys, even (horrors!) clients.  I believe they're one of the major markets for WordPerfect™ which lacks this "feature."  Personally, I highlight, copy, then paste into the Pen, which lets me avoid posting the odd note to myself as well as my Real Name.

I'm not sure if this is where I put the reply or not, but thank you very much for the critique. It's greatly appreciated.  This is the first piece I have ever shared, so I wasn't sure what the responses would be, but I will definitely take all of that into consideration when I do my final draft. Thank you again