Staying Warm

[Anima]

Hi. First thread on here. I've been trying to write poetry for a while, but really most of it ends up more like aphorism. I took one such attempt and tried to make it more poetic by making it longer, more metric (is that the right word for having meter?), and tried to fit in a few rhymes. I'd definitely appreciate feedback on those aspects as well as the poem's concept, theming, and respective execution thereof. Thanks in advance!


Staying Warm

Wet and cold and hungry
My sleeves and collar torn
From gripping doubt and mis'ry
I peacef'lly slip come morn

Moonlight in your smile
Your eyes a starry host
Tender warmth of your embrace
Brings dawn o'er hill to coast

The moon and stars become my friends
And whisper many things
And when to them my ear I lend
I jump and dance and sing

So in the rain I have my fun
And think of you, my sun

[busker]

Hi. First thread on here. I've been trying to write poetry for a while, but really most of it ends up more like aphorism. I took one such attempt and tried to make it more poetic by making it longer, more metric (is that the right word for having meter?), and tried to fit in a few rhymes. I'd definitely appreciate feedback on those aspects as well as the poem's concept, theming, and respective execution thereof. Thanks in advance!


Staying Warm

Wet and cold and hungry
My sleeves and collar torn
From gripping doubt and mis'ry
I peacef'lly slip come morn

Moonlight in your smile
Your eyes a starry host
Tender warmth of your embrace
Brings dawn o'er hill to coast

The moon and stars become my friends
And whisper many things
And when to them my ear I lend
I jump and dance and sing

So in the rain I have my fun
And think of you, my sun

I like that you've attempted a sonnet and followed a rhyming scheme. It's a good way to start off.
A few observations:

1. Abbreviations like mis'ry and peacf'lly are not needed. Back in the day, words were pronounced quite differently, and often there wasn't an actual standard. So "misery" could well have been pronounced as both "mi-say-ree" and "mizree". The abbreviations were actual exclusions of entire syllables. Today, "misery" is always "miz-ur-ee" or "mizree", and both rhyme with "hungry"....to a certain extent. Coming to 'peacef'lly' - the metre is the same with or without the abbreviation

2. The poem itself is a bit difficult to follow. You're not dreaming, because you're slipping from pain and misery come morn (not 'till morn'). It's unclear then how you're dancing with the moon and stars. It reads like a dream sequence, but the way it's set up is confusing. Maybe some better word choices could help.

[Anima]

Hi. First thread on here. I've been trying to write poetry for a while, but really most of it ends up more like aphorism. I took one such attempt and tried to make it more poetic by making it longer, more metric (is that the right word for having meter?), and tried to fit in a few rhymes. I'd definitely appreciate feedback on those aspects as well as the poem's concept, theming, and respective execution thereof. Thanks in advance!


Staying Warm

Wet and cold and hungry
My sleeves and collar torn
From gripping doubt and mis'ry
I peacef'lly slip come morn

Moonlight in your smile
Your eyes a starry host
Tender warmth of your embrace
Brings dawn o'er hill to coast

The moon and stars become my friends
And whisper many things
And when to them my ear I lend
I jump and dance and sing

So in the rain I have my fun
And think of you, my sun

I like that you've attempted a sonnet and followed a rhyming scheme. It's a good way to start off.
A few observations:

1. Abbreviations like mis'ry and peacf'lly are not needed. Back in the day, words were pronounced quite differently, and often there wasn't an actual standard. So "misery" could well have been pronounced as both "mi-say-ree" and "mizree". The abbreviations were actual exclusions of entire syllables. Today, "misery" is always "miz-ur-ee" or "mizree", and both rhyme with "hungry"....to a certain extent. Coming to 'peacef'lly' - the metre is the same with or without the abbreviation

2. The poem itself is a bit difficult to follow. You're not dreaming, because you're slipping from pain and misery come morn (not 'till morn'). It's unclear then how you're dancing with the moon and stars. It reads like a dream sequence, but the way it's set up is confusing. Maybe some better word choices could help.

Thanks for the feedback Busker! I appreciate the information in the first part very much. “peacf’lly” is supposed to be read “peace-flee” so as to be two syllables instead of three.

To try and clear up the confusion, this is not supposed to be a dream sequence. The narrator’s lover is the sun, so when they’re not around, it’s night. 

First stanza - N is suffering without love.. First two lines are meant to evoke bodily images representative of the emotional pain stated in L. All of that goes away come morning — ie when the lover enters his life..

Second stanza - The transition from S1 to S2 is the part I feel the shakiest about tbh. Does not feel like it flows, and the info here feels like necessary exposition for the previous stanza, although maybe this kind of recontextualization as you read has its own value. This stanza is meant to set up the central metaphor. The lover’s embrace brings dawn. I hoped that would make the meaning of the last line of S1 more clear.

Third stanza - we return to the night setting of the first stanza. Only now the narrator has the moon and stars to keep him company which his beloved was just compared to in S2. I was kind of thinking of this as being the thought of the lover that keeps him going and lightens his load. Also, the moon reflects the sun’s light, and the stars are like far off suns, so it’s like the lover entering his life has brought light (love) into his world. Perhaps I could set this up in the first stanza by referencing a dark night or something?

Fourth stanza - wraps up and makes a little more explicit (I hope) the idea of the third. The narrator is dancing in the same rain which oppressed him in the first stanza. And he’s able to do it because he’s thinking of his love. I’d also hoped the last line would make the central metaphor pretty explicit.

Thanks again for the feedback. I hope this makes a little more sense. I’d love to hear how I could make these ideas more immediately obvious.

[busker]

The problem with metaphors is controlling them. If the narrator's love interest is the sun, then how are her eyes a 'starry host'? The image has to be consistent.

[wasellajam]

Hi, Anima and welcomed to the Pen. Learning to use rhyme and meter to support the poem as opposed to being a distraction is challenging and fun. There are many threads here that discuss this and many examples of poems that work brilliantly and plenty that are not as successful. In the workshops and practice threads you can see members working to improve,  they really help me when I'm trying to wrap my head around working with forms. Some notes on your poem:

Hi. First thread on here. I've been trying to write poetry for a while, but really most of it ends up more like aphorism. I took one such attempt and tried to make it more poetic by making it longer, more metric (is that the right word for having meter?), and tried to fit in a few rhymes. I'd definitely appreciate feedback on those aspects as well as the poem's concept, theming, and respective execution thereof. Thanks in advance!


Staying Warm

Wet and cold and hungry
My sleeves and collar torn
From gripping doubt and mis'ry
I peacef'lly slip come morn
Is this a restless night but peaceful morning? The ands in L1 seem to be just filler words, you can probably think of a better line. The shortened words are awkward and really don't make a difference in meter which uses stress and where it falls as opposed to syllable count. I know this because it's something I struggle with too.

Moonlight in your smile
Your eyes a starry host
Tender warmth of your embrace
Brings dawn o'er hill to coast
Again, night into morning. This reads well until the O'er.  L3 you've lost your rhyme.

The moon and stars become my friends
And whisper many things
And when to them my ear I lend
I jump and dance and sing
This has issues. "many things" tell me nothing, what is being whispered? L3 is inverted but even "lend an ear" is cliche. L4 has the ands again and you can probably think of a more interesting way to say this.

So in the rain I have my fun
And think of you, my sun
I don't know where the rain comes in as the rest goes night to day.

So, you have an idea to work with, I haven't read the explanation you posted because I want the poem to speak for itself but I hope my notes are helpful. Happy to have you here and thanks for posting this, and for the critiques you've left for others, that's how the site works and it's a great learning tool.

[milo]

Hi. First thread on here. I've been trying to write poetry for a while, but really most of it ends up more like aphorism. I took one such attempt and tried to make it more poetic by making it longer, more metric (is that the right word for having meter?), and tried to fit in a few rhymes. I'd definitely appreciate feedback on those aspects as well as the poem's concept, theming, and respective execution thereof. Thanks in advance!

Hello and welcome to the pen.  First - that is a great strategy: Take an idea and write it out in different forms - it can really reveal a lot.  Second - if measuring our iambs in centimeters instead of feet we do call it metric (sorry, that was a terrible joke).

The first thing I noticed and it was already called out by Busker was the use of ellision marks - a practice that went out of fashion a few hundred years ago and comes off as affectatious to modern poetry readers.  Here is my take on it, if the word naturally ellides and the meter calls for it, your reader will ellide without really even thinking about it.  If not - you need to perform a little metric surgery on your line.

Staying Warm

Wet and cold and hungry
My sleeves and collar torn
From gripping doubt and mis'ry
I peacef'lly slip come morn

So I can sense the root cause of your troubles almost immediately - you are attempting to shoehorn complete thoughts into trimeter (3 metric feet per line).  That is a challenge - I suggest you let your lines breathe  - inflating out to four or even a full five feet per line.  As far as content - looks like your narrator had a tough night: wet, cold, hungry, clothes in tatters.  Then he peacefully slips out of this situation come day break (I would suggest eliminating the use of morn if at all possible)  Who is this fellow?  A werewolf?  Dr Jekyll? I am at the edge of my seat with anticipation.

Moonlight in your smile
Your eyes a starry host
Tender warmth of your embrace
Brings dawn o'er hill to coast

ok, maybe not a werewolf or the esteemed Dr Jekyll after all.  This strophe is completely inconsistent with the previous.  This narrator seems like they are enjoying moonlight smiles and starry nights and tender embraces that summon the dawn.  This type of inconsistency breaks the bond of trust between narrator and reader.

The moon and stars become my friends
And whisper many things
And when to them my ear I lend
I jump and dance and sing

So in the rain I have my fun
And think of you, my sun

So there are some meter problems with switching back and forth between 4 and 3 feet here but that is not the real problem.  There is a serious issue with your logic train throughout the whole poem.  It feels like you were shoehorning it in to your structure.

The second problem is your imagery and metaphors and phrasing.  These are not new, they have been done dozens of time.  I would say work toward having a unique interesting take on something - it doesn't need to be the moon or the stars or anything - more of an "did you ever notice how this is like that?"

Anyway - it is a valiant effort, writing poetry is NOT easy but more than worth the payoff and you seem to have a natural talent for rhythm and sound.

Thanks for posting

[JohnS]

Hi. First thread on here. I've been trying to write poetry for a while, but really most of it ends up more like aphorism. I took one such attempt and tried to make it more poetic by making it longer, more metric (is that the right word for having meter?), and tried to fit in a few rhymes. I'd definitely appreciate feedback on those aspects as well as the poem's concept, theming, and respective execution thereof. Thanks in advance!


Staying Warm

Wet and cold and hungry
My sleeves and collar torn
From gripping doubt and mis'ry
I peacef'lly slip come morn

Moonlight in your smile
Your eyes a starry host
Tender warmth of your embrace
Brings dawn o'er hill to coast

The moon and stars become my friends
And whisper many things
And when to them my ear I lend
I jump and dance and sing

So in the rain I have my fun
And think of you, my sun

Hi Anima,
I'm new to poetry so bear that in mind. I need to critique so I can post.

I've written a lot of song lyrics, so if this were a song I'd say the rhyme scheme breaks down in verse 2. 
Also, it sounds old fashioned and there is also a bit of Yoda speak in there to force a rhyme. 
Finally, the end rhymes are very basic, near rhymes would be more interesting. However, this may be appropriate for a sonnet.
Write on!