Heavy Footprint Stomp

[wasellajam]

Heavy Footprint Stomp

To undertake a garden dockside's ill-
advised, the poisoned planks are bound to leach
preservatives that taint surrounding soil.
The alliums for April’s flowers' sake,
the daffodils and hyacinths are fine
but vegetables would drink up arsenic.
Attached by hollow stems to muddy roots
proliferating lily pads provide
a stage for turtles, frogs and dragonflies;
they multiply encouraged by the gush
of runoff drained from winter salted roads,
the heralds of the choking weeds to come.

Our hilly roads are named for trees and groves,
for coves and inlets nestled under old-
growth canopies, the interlocking boughs
suspended over cabins built below.
The yellow poplars (nicknamed tulip trees)
bear springtime flowers large as tangerines
with golden petals orange at their base,
the blooms on branches high above our view
until dislodged by squirrels, landing fully formed.
Their trunks are wider than my arms can reach
around, two hundred year old hickories
and oaks dispense their bounty every fall.
They lean their limbs out towards the sparkling lake
attempting to absorb reflected sun
but when they threaten rooftops underneath
they're chainsawed down, transformed to firewood.

We navigate the still clear spring-fed lake
and ask each other: Wonder where the rich
folk are today; we know our luck is prime
but carve our precious assets to our whims
and chip away at what we value most.

[dukealien]

Heavy Footprint Stomp  tried to find a payoff for the title and failed

To undertake a garden dockside's ill-  to avoid the clumsy and confusing line break location, a simple "dig" vice "undertake" and break at the comma
advised, the poisoned planks are bound to leach  and then, to catch back up to the meter, "its poison-treated planks"
preservatives that taint surrounding soil.
The alliums for April’s flowers' sake, insert "their" before "April's" to fill the meter
the daffodils and hyacinths are fine
but vegetables would drink up arsenic.  good - "drink" is better than "soak" or "suck".  Slight hitch with "vegetables" as "veg'tables" but OK
Attached by hollow stems to muddy roots  a comma at the end here
proliferating lily pads provide
a stage for turtles, frogs and dragonflies;  good - tempted to a colon here, but you mean all the critters to be included in next 3 lines so stet
they multiply encouraged by the gush  comma after "multiply" 
of runoff drained from winter salted roads,  hyphen after "winter" to make "winter-salted"
the heralds of the choking weeds to come.  problem:  nothing up to now heralds weeds except, maybe, the field flowers.

Our hilly roads are named for trees and groves,  you may have to come back to this otherwise good line when untangling the next two
for coves and inlets nestled under old-
growth canopies, the interlocking boughs  this line and the last are problematic, see below
suspended over cabins built below. suggestion only - "beneath" vice "below"
The yellow poplars (nicknamed tulip trees)  
bear springtime flowers large as tangerines  suggestion:  just "big"
with golden petals orange at their base,
the blooms on branches high above our view  suggest "their" for "the" here, and "eyes" or "gaze" for "view"
until dislodged by squirrels, landing fully formed.  "land" vice "landing" for sense and meter
Their trunks are wider than my arms can reach  suggest "The" vice "Their" here to avoid reader applying this next to the tulip trees
around, two hundred year old hickories  or reorganize the sequence
and oaks dispense their bounty every fall.  could capitalize "Fall"
They lean their limbs out towards the sparkling lake  could fix the meter (requiring "twords") here with "They stretch" and eliminate "out"
attempting to absorb reflected sun
but when they threaten rooftops underneath
they're chainsawed down, transformed to firewood.  suggest "becoming" vice "transformed to"

We navigate the still clear spring-fed lake  suggest comma after "still"
and ask each other: Wonder where the rich  good line break
folk are today; we know our luck is prime
but carve our precious assets to our whims
and chip away at what we value most.   "Chip," indeed - no major nature-damage is mentioned.  Title needs to be dialed back from Godzilla to hiking-boot tracks... unless the title is cleverly setting the reader up with the thought that it's not really a "stomp" at all.

In intensive critique, please don't take all the above comments as forcefully as their telegraphic wording implies.  Also in intensive, fear of over-detailed suggestions is assuaged.  Don't be limited, of course. 

The first three lines of your second stanza (really just the second and third) are a bit of a jumble.  I suggest separating the elements and rearranging them until, first, the hyphen is not required and, second, the picture develops in a desired order.  Including the first line in the rearranging process may help.

Overall, this is a good concept, though the idea on which it's hung (man's footprint in nature) gets a little lost among the well-drawn foliage.  Either more examples, or a less strong title and closing could harmonize.

[wasellajam]

Heavy Footprint Stomp  tried to find a payoff for the title and failed

To undertake a garden dockside's ill-  to avoid the clumsy and confusing line break location, a simple "dig" vice "undertake" and break at the comma
advised, the poisoned planks are bound to leach  and then, to catch back up to the meter, "its poison-treated planks"
preservatives that taint surrounding soil.
The alliums for April’s flowers' sake, insert "their" before "April's" to fill the meter
the daffodils and hyacinths are fine
but vegetables would drink up arsenic.  good - "drink" is better than "soak" or "suck".  Slight hitch with "vegetables" as "veg'tables" but OK
Attached by hollow stems to muddy roots  a comma at the end here
proliferating lily pads provide
a stage for turtles, frogs and dragonflies;  good - tempted to a colon here, but you mean all the critters to be included in next 3 lines so stet
they multiply encouraged by the gush  comma after "multiply" 
of runoff drained from winter salted roads,  hyphen after "winter" to make "winter-salted"
the heralds of the choking weeds to come.  problem:  nothing up to now heralds weeds except, maybe, the field flowers.

Our hilly roads are named for trees and groves,  you may have to come back to this otherwise good line when untangling the next two
for coves and inlets nestled under old-
growth canopies, the interlocking boughs  this line and the last are problematic, see below
suspended over cabins built below. suggestion only - "beneath" vice "below"
The yellow poplars (nicknamed tulip trees)  
bear springtime flowers large as tangerines  suggestion:  just "big"
with golden petals orange at their base,
the blooms on branches high above our view  suggest "their" for "the" here, and "eyes" or "gaze" for "view"
until dislodged by squirrels, landing fully formed.  "land" vice "landing" for sense and meter
Their trunks are wider than my arms can reach  suggest "The" vice "Their" here to avoid reader applying this next to the tulip trees
around, two hundred year old hickories  or reorganize the sequence
and oaks dispense their bounty every fall.  could capitalize "Fall"
They lean their limbs out towards the sparkling lake  could fix the meter (requiring "twords") here with "They stretch" and eliminate "out"
attempting to absorb reflected sun
but when they threaten rooftops underneath
they're chainsawed down, transformed to firewood.  suggest "becoming" vice "transformed to"

We navigate the still clear spring-fed lake  suggest comma after "still"
and ask each other: Wonder where the rich  good line break
folk are today; we know our luck is prime
but carve our precious assets to our whims
and chip away at what we value most.   "Chip," indeed - no major nature-damage is mentioned.  Title needs to be dialed back from Godzilla to hiking-boot tracks... unless the title is cleverly setting the reader up with the thought that it's not really a "stomp" at all.

In intensive critique, please don't take all the above comments as forcefully as their telegraphic wording implies.  Also in intensive, fear of over-detailed suggestions is assuaged.  Don't be limited, of course. 

The first three lines of your second stanza (really just the second and third) are a bit of a jumble.  I suggest separating the elements and rearranging them until, first, the hyphen is not required and, second, the picture develops in a desired order.  Including the first line in the rearranging process may help.

Overall, this is a good concept, though the idea on which it's hung (man's footprint in nature) gets a little lost among the well-drawn foliage.  Either more examples, or a less strong title and closing could harmonize.

Thanks so much for the time you put in on this, from the details to the big picture. I'll have to figure out where I stand as so far the lake has held up remarkably well, it's more fear for the future. The details I can work on.

I take a day's distance and see what I can do. Much appreciated.

[milo]

Hello ella, it is good to see another incarnation of this one.  I think I see what you are going for with this title - kind of the lasting negative impact of our actions personified as a stomp.  The title is certainly interesting enough but I am not quite sure it works other than that.

Heavy Footprint Stomp

To undertake a garden dockside's ill-
advised, the poisoned planks are bound to leach
preservatives that taint surrounding soil.
The alliums for April’s flowers' sake,
the daffodils and hyacinths are fine
but vegetables would drink up arsenic.

the enjambement on ill is clever but probably gimmicky and distracting for the long term.  "Are bound to leach " feels like a less graceful version of "will leach" to me which is still less effective than "leach"  - "poisoned planks leach preservatives - they taint surrounding soil" converts the triple passive into all active bringing your metaphor out to the sunlight.

dockside's ill reads closer to the possessive than the rather ill advised contraction.  The strophe as a whole seems overly dependent on these contrivances to make it work - "April's flowers' sake" being another example

Attached by hollow stems to muddy roots
proliferating lily pads provide
a stage for turtles, frogs and dragonflies;
they multiply encouraged by the gush
of runoff drained from winter salted roads,
the heralds of the choking weeds to come.

This is good scene setting but I am not sure what for.  The most I can get is the continuation of the benefit/trial of living on the lake.

Our hilly roads are named for trees and groves,
for coves and inlets nestled under old-
growth canopies, the interlocking boughs
suspended over cabins built below.
The yellow poplars (nicknamed tulip trees)
bear springtime flowers large as tangerines
with golden petals orange at their base,

some plural singular confusion there.  The sounds through here are lovely.  Plenty of assonance as well as just pleasing mouth feel and rhythm (in addition to the IP of course).  Once again (probably) good reportage but a bit of an indulgence.

the blooms on branches high above our view
until dislodged by squirrels, landing fully formed.
Their trunks are wider than my arms can reach
around, two hundred year old hickories
and oaks dispense their bounty every fall.
They lean their limbs out towards the sparkling lake
attempting to absorb reflected sun
but when they threaten rooftops underneath
they're chainsawed down, transformed to firewood.

We navigate the still clear spring-fed lake
and ask each other: Wonder where the rich
folk are today; we know our luck is prime
but carve our precious assets to our whims
and chip away at what we value most.

ahhh . . . it was my knowledge of the previous versions that led me astray - you have changed your metaphor.

I think the scene-setting is rich and well done.  The sounds are good throughout.  The beginning is the roughest for sure.  I feel like the poem ends when it ponders where the rich folk are today.

Thanks for posting

[wasellajam]

Hello ella, it is good to see another incarnation of this one.  I think I see what you are going for with this title - kind of the lasting negative impact of our actions personified as a stomp.  The title is certainly interesting enough but I am not quite sure it works other than that.

Heavy Footprint Stomp

To undertake a garden dockside's ill-
advised, the poisoned planks are bound to leach
preservatives that taint surrounding soil.
The alliums for April’s flowers' sake,
the daffodils and hyacinths are fine
but vegetables would drink up arsenic.

the enjambement on ill is clever but probably gimmicky and distracting for the long term.  "Are bound to leach " feels like a less graceful version of "will leach" to me which is still less effective than "leach"  - "poisoned planks leach preservatives - they taint surrounding soil" converts the triple passive into all active bringing your metaphor out to the sunlight.

dockside's ill reads closer to the possessive than the rather ill advised contraction.  The strophe as a whole seems overly dependent on these contrivances to make it work - "April's flowers' sake" being another example

Attached by hollow stems to muddy roots
proliferating lily pads provide
a stage for turtles, frogs and dragonflies;
they multiply encouraged by the gush
of runoff drained from winter salted roads,
the heralds of the choking weeds to come.

This is good scene setting but I am not sure what for.  The most I can get is the continuation of the benefit/trial of living on the lake.

Our hilly roads are named for trees and groves,
for coves and inlets nestled under old-
growth canopies, the interlocking boughs
suspended over cabins built below.
The yellow poplars (nicknamed tulip trees)
bear springtime flowers large as tangerines
with golden petals orange at their base,

some plural singular confusion there.  The sounds through here are lovely.  Plenty of assonance as well as just pleasing mouth feel and rhythm (in addition to the IP of course).  Once again (probably) good reportage but a bit of an indulgence.

the blooms on branches high above our view
until dislodged by squirrels, landing fully formed.
Their trunks are wider than my arms can reach
around, two hundred year old hickories
and oaks dispense their bounty every fall.
They lean their limbs out towards the sparkling lake
attempting to absorb reflected sun
but when they threaten rooftops underneath
they're chainsawed down, transformed to firewood.

We navigate the still clear spring-fed lake
and ask each other: Wonder where the rich
folk are today; we know our luck is prime
but carve our precious assets to our whims
and chip away at what we value most.

ahhh . . . it was my knowledge of the previous versions that led me astray - you have changed your metaphor.

I think the scene-setting is rich and well done.  The sounds are good throughout.  The beginning is the roughest for sure.  I feel like the poem ends when it ponders where the rich folk are today.

Thanks for posting

Thanks for your interesting comments. I think my recent writes show I really just want to write about the mundane, the part I enjoy writing is description and then I try to add meaning.

I'll work with both crits to clean it up, I appreciate your time with this.