Proof that Once She Was a Mermaid

[milo]

Proof that once she was a mermaid

She denies it with a laugh -
shakes her head and disagrees -
but dips a taste of sourwood honey
and doesn't fear the bees.

Her warm green eyes swim
with memories of the seas
and when a siren calls -
some ambulance from hidden streets
of dreary londontown -
she doesn't harbor
secret fears that it's for her
just shakes her head in sympathy for me.

She loves the taste of animals that hoof
the earth and graze the fields so openly -
who would not pretend to love
the taste of fish or salad greens?

But I won't sow the earth with seeds of salt
or hide my eyes and ears to free my dreams.
No, bind me to this mast and let me hear her song
as others cry with emptiness -
the king's men starving at a feast.

[Magpie]

This is good, not a lot to say as regards critique for me, I've left a couple of notes below

Proof that once she was a mermaid --- I do like the title as it sets the premise of accusation, however the poem for me doesn't offer any 'proof' as such.

She denies it with a laugh -
shakes her head and disagrees -
but dips a taste of sourwood honey --- nice word choice with 'dips', 
and doesn't fear the bees.

Her warm green eyes swim --- 'warm green' not working for me
with memories of the seas  --- I like the first stanza and the rhymes up to this line, but then the rest of the poem doesn't have any rhymes. Is this intentional? It seemed odd 
and when a siren calls -
some ambulance from hidden streets --- would a 'police' siren work better considering the accusatory tone
of dreary londontown -   --- London town?
she doesn't harbor  --- good word choice
secret fears that it's for her
just shakes her head in sympathy for me.

She loves the taste of animals that hoof
the earth and graze the fields so openly -
who would not pretend to love
the taste of fish or salad greens?

But I won't sow the earth with seeds of salt 
or hide my eyes and ears to free my dreams.
No, bind me to this mast and let me hear her song
as others cry with emptiness -
the king's men starving at a feast.

Lots of good word choices throughout. Really enjoyed reading

[milo]

This is good, not a lot to say as regards critique for me, I've left a couple of notes below

Proof that once she was a mermaid --- I do like the title as it sets the premise of accusation, however the poem for me doesn't offer any 'proof' as such.

Yes, that was the original thought of the piece, someone seeing the fantastical in the rather ordinary due to their own views of the person.

She denies it with a laugh -
shakes her head and disagrees -
but dips a taste of sourwood honey --- nice word choice with 'dips', 
and doesn't fear the bees.

Her warm green eyes swim --- 'warm green' not working for me
with memories of the seas  --- I like the first stanza and the rhymes up to this line, but then the rest of the poem doesn't have any rhymes. Is this intentional? It seemed odd 

It is 100% not intentional.  The question is - what to do now?  Convert the whole thing to rhyme or convert the first part to the assonance of the rest.

and when a siren calls -
some ambulance from hidden streets --- would a 'police' siren work better considering the accusatory tone

My original thought was how humans are obsessed with their own frailty and this chick is nonchalant about hers - definitive proof - must be a mermaid.

of dreary londontown -   --- London town?
she doesn't harbor  --- good word choice
secret fears that it's for her
just shakes her head in sympathy for me.

She loves the taste of animals that hoof
the earth and graze the fields so openly -
who would not pretend to love
the taste of fish or salad greens?

But I won't sow the earth with seeds of salt 
or hide my eyes and ears to free my dreams.
No, bind me to this mast and let me hear her song
as others cry with emptiness -
the king's men starving at a feast.

Lots of good word choices throughout. Really enjoyed reading

Thanks.  I will leave it sit for a bit and then try to post a revision taking this into consideration.

[Magpie]

My mistake, I read it as a metaphor 

Proof that once she was married, a murderer, a jewellery thief.

[milo]

My mistake, I read it as a metaphor 

Proof that once she was married, a murderer, a jewellery thief.

all equally valid

[wasellajam]

Hi, milo, lovely title, makes me want to read it. some notes:

Proof that once she was a mermaid

She denies it with a laugh -              I like her already, pretty and smiling
shakes her head and disagrees -
but dips a taste of sourwood honey.  Looked this up today, rare and tasty
and doesn't fear the bees.                I can't really put together mermaid and bees, rhyming whimsy to me, I don't mind a puzzle.

Her warm green eyes swim              Knew she was a beauty
with memories of the seas
and when a siren calls -                    
some ambulance from hidden streets  Fan of all the s sounds, the siren/siren, the pull to reality
of dreary londontown -                      Not a fan of Londontown
she doesn't harbor                            Yes to harbor and its use here, successful enjambment
secret fears that it's for her
just shakes her head in sympathy for me.  So self assured.

She loves the taste of animals that hoof
the earth and graze the fields so openly -
who would not pretend to love
the taste of fish or salad greens?        While this strophe is fine, I don't think I'd miss it, can't figure out what it adds.

But I won't sow the earth with seeds of salt. Proof that there's always a new way to say something
or hide my eyes and ears to free my dreams.
No, bind me to this mast and let me hear her song
as others cry with emptiness -
the king's men starving at a feast.    The last two lines make me feel like I've missed the point of the whole thing, there goes both my cup of tea with a mermaid and my dive into how our perceptions are our own responsibility, not to mention how we over analyze  everything.  It's the king I can't get.

Very happy to see my old friend from the telephone thread. Whipped this up for a game, did you? Show off. 
This may help, when I checked the crit on mine on the other site I got thIs from pjr on S1:
"the pattern isn't continued in the rest of the poem. it's dangerous to set up expectations at the start of a poem unless you have a very good reason for not fulfilling them."

Seeing as I love L3 but not L4 I'd dump the rhyme, I think you can do it fairly easily and I don't think it will hurt the poem.

I also got dinged for "warm" on L5 but I don't mind it. All my other crit on it I'll claim for my own.

Hope you'll edit gently, thanks for the read.

[milo]

Hi, milo, lovely title, makes me want to read it. some notes:

Proof that once she was a mermaid

She denies it with a laugh -              I like her already, pretty and smiling
shakes her head and disagrees -
but dips a taste of sourwood honey.  Looked this up today, rare and tasty
and doesn't fear the bees.                I can't really put together mermaid and bees, rhyming whimsy to me, I don't mind a puzzle.

Her warm green eyes swim              Knew she was a beauty
with memories of the seas
and when a siren calls -                    
some ambulance from hidden streets  Fan of all the s sounds, the siren/siren, the pull to reality
of dreary londontown -                      Not a fan of Londontown
she doesn't harbor                            Yes to harbor and its use here, successful enjambment
secret fears that it's for her
just shakes her head in sympathy for me.  So self assured.

She loves the taste of animals that hoof
the earth and graze the fields so openly -
who would not pretend to love
the taste of fish or salad greens?        While this strophe is fine, I don't think I'd miss it, can't figure out what it adds.

But I won't sow the earth with seeds of salt. Proof that there's always a new way to say something
or hide my eyes and ears to free my dreams.
No, bind me to this mast and let me hear her song
as others cry with emptiness -
the king's men starving at a feast.    The last two lines make me feel like I've missed the point of the whole thing, there goes both my cup of tea with a mermaid and my dive into how our perceptions are our own responsibility, not to mention how we over analyze  everything.  It's the king I can't get.

Very happy to see my old friend from the telephone thread. Whipped this up for a game, did you? Show off. 
This may help, when I checked the crit on mine on the other site I got thIs from pjr on S1:
"the pattern isn't continued in the rest of the poem. it's dangerous to set up expectations at the start of a poem unless you have a very good reason for not fulfilling them."

Seeing as I love L3 but not L4 I'd dump the rhyme, I think you can do it fairly easily and I don't think it will hurt the poem.

I also got dinged for "warm" on L5 but I don't mind it. All my other crit on it I'll claim for my own.

Hope you'll edit gently, thanks for the read.

The last 2 lines are a reference to Odysseus (I think) who , rather than just not hear the siren's beautiful singing had the men lash him to the ship.  Everyone else plugged their ears so they wouldn't hear it.  My thought being - how many avoid beauty because of the risks?

I am going to do some edits, I think though I don't know if i will change that part much

Thank you so much for reading and your helpful feedback

[wasellajam]

At least I got to the end before a myth ejected me.

[busker]

Proof that once she was a mermaid

She denies it with a laugh -
shakes her head and disagrees -
but dips a taste of sourwood honey
and doesn't fear the bees.  ... do mermaids not fear bees? not familiar with the myth

Her warm green eyes swim
with memories of the seas  ... should be cliched, but isn't. nice.
and when a siren calls - ....nice foreshadowing of the siren song at the end
some ambulance from hidden streets
of dreary londontown - ....not sure why spelled thus
she doesn't harbor
secret fears that it's for her
just shakes her head in sympathy for me.

She loves the taste of animals that hoof
the earth and graze the fields so openly -
who would not pretend to love
the taste of fish or salad greens?  ... mild cannibalism there. not my favourite strophe

But I won't sow the earth with seeds of salt
or hide my eyes and ears to free my dreams.
No, bind me to this mast and let me hear her song  ... this is magnificent. It holds up the entire poem
as others cry with emptiness -
the king's men starving at a feast.

Lovely stuff

---

Ancient greek vases show sirens as being half bird half woman, and here you have a mermaid. that was a bit confusing at first, but the poem is lovely enough to overlook it.

[milo]

Proof that once she was a mermaid

She denies it with a laugh -
shakes her head and disagrees -
but dips a taste of sourwood honey
and doesn't fear the bees.  ... do mermaids not fear bees? not familiar with the myth

Her warm green eyes swim
with memories of the seas  ... should be cliched, but isn't. nice.
and when a siren calls - ....nice foreshadowing of the siren song at the end
some ambulance from hidden streets
of dreary londontown - ....not sure why spelled thus
she doesn't harbor
secret fears that it's for her
just shakes her head in sympathy for me.

She loves the taste of animals that hoof
the earth and graze the fields so openly -
who would not pretend to love
the taste of fish or salad greens?  ... mild cannibalism there. not my favourite strophe

But I won't sow the earth with seeds of salt
or hide my eyes and ears to free my dreams.
No, bind me to this mast and let me hear her song  ... this is magnificent. It holds up the entire poem
as others cry with emptiness -
the king's men starving at a feast.

Lovely stuff

---

Ancient greek vases show sirens as being half bird half woman, and here you have a mermaid. that was a bit confusing at first, but the poem is lovely enough to overlook it.

Thank you for reading and commenting.  There are many assorted myths I may have just combined them here.  Googled it and it seems the two have been combined over time starting around middle ages in Europe.

I will take your feedback into account as I revise it.

Thanks again