Laughing Into The Abyss

[wasellajam]

Laughing Into The Abyss

I smile at the sound
of your laughter.
The TV is streaming
in the background,
our phones are channeled
directly to our ears, open
laptops gently tapping.

I’m content to not know
what made you blurt Whoa!
or chuckle or tap at your phone
in frustration. I am listening
to last night’s concert
and writing a poem.

I watch you stoke the fire.
It’s fine.

[milo]

Laughing Into The Abyss

I smile at the sound
of your laughter.
The TV is streaming
in the background,
our phones are channeled
directly to our ears, open
laptops gently tapping.

I’m content to not know
what made you blurt Whoa!
or chuckle or tap at your phone
in frustration. I am listening
to last night’s concert
and writing a poem.

I watch you stoke the fire.
It’s fine.

Hello ella!  Did I read this before, it seems familiar.  It is an interesting vignette - a look inside a modern day relationship.  It is relatable as well.  The double meaning on the second to last line is perfect.  It feels the poem ends exactly as it should.  The first line of the second strophe is awkward.  

It feels like a poem about isolation in togetherness.  Words like "abyss" in the title and channeled later suggest 2 people existing in completely separate realities while in the same room.  It is not a shared experience.  There is no easing of the tension by suggesting the other is also noticing - they seem oblivious, perhaps not just to the situation but possibly even to the narrator's presence.  I wonder if there is a way to strengthen this this through bridge metaphor - why a concert?  why writing a poem?  The break on listening is nice because at first the thought it - oh, N is listening  but then it's to a concert.

Anyway - it is an enjoyable read as it is.  Nothing stands out as egregiously wrong.  The metaphor is drawn the way a metaphor should be drawn in poetry - it is implied.

I will return if anything else occurs to me.  Thanks for posting

[wasellajam]

Laughing Into The Abyss

I smile at the sound
of your laughter.
The TV is streaming
in the background,
our phones are channeled
directly to our ears, open
laptops gently tapping.

I’m content to not know
what made you blurt Whoa!
or chuckle or tap at your phone
in frustration. I am listening
to last night’s concert
and writing a poem.

I watch you stoke the fire.
It’s fine.

Hello ella!  Did I read this before, it seems familiar.  It is an interesting vignette - a look inside a modern day relationship.  It is relatable as well.  The double meaning on the second to last line is perfect.  It feels the poem ends exactly as it should.  The first line of the second strophe is awkward.  

It feels like a poem about isolation in togetherness.  Words like "abyss" in the title and channeled later suggest 2 people existing in completely separate realities while in the same room.  It is not a shared experience.  There is no easing of the tension by suggesting the other is also noticing - they seem oblivious, perhaps not just to the situation but possibly even to the narrator's presence.  I wonder if there is a way to strengthen this this through bridge metaphor - why a concert?  why writing a poem?  The break on listening is nice because at first the thought it - oh, N is listening  but then it's to a concert.

Anyway - it is an enjoyable read as it is.  Nothing stands out as egregiously wrong.  The metaphor is drawn the way a metaphor should be drawn in poetry - it is implied.

I will return if anything else occurs to me.  Thanks for posting

Thanks for reading and commenting. If you've read it before I'm in trouble because I wrote it this morning, maybe I'm in a time loop or just repeating myself so it all sounds similar.

I appreciate you explaining your read because it is exactly where I was going, yay. I think a lot about the pros and cons of the way we live. The details of concert and poem were just a way to say the N is not in a daze to themselves, as their partner probably isn't but just as you said, not a shared experience. I'll think on whether or not two other activities might be better but that's where I tend to get in trouble and overdo.

I'll look at the opener to S2, I should be able to improve that. Again, thanks

[busker]

Laughing Into The Abyss ... A bit too 'profound' for the unobtrusive nature of the poem itself

I smile at the sound
of your laughter. ... could this be the title?
The TV is streaming
in the background,
our phones are channeled
directly to our ears, open
laptops gently tapping. ...I like how each line fills out the scene

I’m content to not know
what made you blurt Whoa!
or chuckle or tap at your phone
in frustration. I am listening
to last night’s concert
and writing a poem. ...I like the transition from the subject to the narrator. It's a beautiful conclusion to S2.

I watch you stoke the fire.
It’s fine.  ... This is the only part that's a bit hard to believe. Who has a log burning fireplace anymore? The metaphor is slightly heavy handed. The poem ended with 'writing a poem' for me. It's nice and self referential.

I love the gentle, observational nature of the poem.

[wasellajam]

Laughing Into The Abyss ... A bit too 'profound' for the unobtrusive nature of the poem itself

I smile at the sound
of your laughter. ... could this be the title?
The TV is streaming
in the background,
our phones are channeled
directly to our ears, open
laptops gently tapping. ...I like how each line fills out the scene

I’m content to not know
what made you blurt Whoa!
or chuckle or tap at your phone
in frustration. I am listening
to last night’s concert
and writing a poem. ...I like the transition from the subject to the narrator. It's a beautiful conclusion to S2.

I watch you stoke the fire.
It’s fine.  ... This is the only part that's a bit hard to believe. Who has a log burning fireplace anymore? The metaphor is slightly heavy handed. The poem ended with 'writing a poem' for me. It's nice and self referential.

I love the gentle, observational nature of the poem.

Thanks so much for reading and commenting.

Yes, another overly dramatic title but I like the image and I wonder if that developing space is good or bad for relationships, when does a bit of space become an uncrossable gap? But I'll think on it.

What do you think of this possible edit?

I’m content not to know
what made you blurt Whoa!
or chuckle or tap at your phone
in frustration. I listen
to last night’s concert
and write a poem.

On the stoke the fire line, I live in the 1800s.  
You forget our (frigid) weather vs your (glorious) weather, burning wood is common where I live. I was literally watching him put a log on the fire while I wrote the poem. Mine looks pretty much like this, it's a beauty that holds the heat all night:
wood stove

Which doesn't mean the line sits well, just striking that reason. I like the It's fine for its on the fence, is this okay or not, settling feeling. I'll figure out if it's working.

Again, thanks for posting, plenty to consider.