she smiles - edit

[dukealien]

she smiles
and feeling so relieved for her
in that warm swift moment
I must cry except
it’s gone before my tears can well

then returning terror locks
her features tight
knowing only that she cannot
understand or put a name
to anything she sees

dementia fades into
waking unconsciousness
with its peaceful smile
until unfocused mindfulness–
sight without sense–
returns in fear

not damnation
since neither deserved
nor endless

original version;

she smiles
and feeling so relieved
in that warm swift moment
I must cry except
it’s gone before my tears can well

then terror strains and locks
her features back with knowing
only that she cannot understand
or put a name to anything she sees

dementia’s not damnation
for it fades
into waking unconsciousness
with its heartbreaking smile
until tension
crippled mindfulness
and fears return

not damnation
since neither deserved
nor endless

[wasellajam]

Hi, I appreciate your attempt to capture this, for me it is on the verge of success. Some notes:

she smiles
and feeling so relieved
in that warm swift moment
I must cry except
it’s gone before my tears can well
It took me a while to parse this, I kept applying "relieved" to "she". Strong breaks throughout.

then terror strains and locks.  Not a fan of "strains".
her features back with knowing  Maybe lose "with" and drop "knowing" to the next line.
only that she cannot understand
or put a name to anything she sees
You clearly don't want punctuation for this but maybe try it to help you see how it should read, then remove it.

dementia’s not damnation "damnation' works so well below maybe you can lose it here, maybe just "dementia fades".
for it fades
into waking unconsciousness
with its heartbreaking smile
until tension   "tension crippled" isn't working for me, both sonically and meaning.
crippled mindfulness
and fears return   Possibly "fear returns".

not damnation
since neither deserved
nor endless.  Super ending.

I think this is an important poem, there is nothing worse than those moments of almost clarity. You might head in that direction for a title.
You're very close to portraying what feels indescribable. Kudos, thanks for posting it.

[busker]

she smiles
and feeling so relieved
in that warm swift moment
I must cry except
it’s gone before my tears can well  ... This is an arresting opening

then terror strains and locks
her features back with knowing
only that she cannot understand
or put a name to anything she sees  ... the narration carries along apace

dementia’s not damnation
for it fades
into waking unconsciousness  ..... is the 'for' needed in the previous line? I don't feel that it's a strong argument that's being made here
with its heartbreaking smile ...... I don't like 'heartbreaking' for the cliche element
until tension
crippled mindfulness 
and fears return  ... while this is an easy enough line, the lack of punctuation makes it confusing. It took me a while to figure out. perhaps a hyphen after tension would help, as long as the reader doesn't confuse it for an end of line em dash

not damnation
since neither deserved
nor endless  ... a clever observation, and that itself is - unintentional or not - ironic

A fine, honest poem. Thanks for posting.

[milo]

she smiles
and feeling so relieved
in that warm swift moment
I must cry except
it’s gone before my tears can well

then terror strains and locks
her features back with knowing
only that she cannot understand
or put a name to anything she sees

dementia’s not damnation
for it fades
into waking unconsciousness
with its heartbreaking smile
until tension
crippled mindfulness
and fears return

not damnation
since neither deserved
nor endless

I have read through it a few times and for the life of me I cannot understand why you switch from showing the reader and letting them decide what to think about it to telling the reader what to think.  As I reader, I don't like anyone telling me what to think much less a poet.

This whole section:

"dementia’s not damnation
for it fades
into waking unconsciousness
with its heartbreaking smile
until tension
crippled mindfulness
and fears return"

pretty much ruins it for me.  The beginning was a solid start at just letting me experience it so I am perplexed at what happened here.

[dukealien]

edit;


she smiles
and feeling so relieved for her
in that warm swift moment
I must cry except
it’s gone before my tears can well

then returning terror locks
her features tight
knowing only that she cannot
understand or put a name
to anything she sees

dementia fades into
waking unconsciousness
with its peaceful smile
until unfocused mindfulness–
sight without sense–
returns in fear

not damnation
since neither deserved
nor endless

---

Thanks to both critics.  Tried to apply as much as possible from the advice without  pushing it too hard.  

For @wasellajam:  Tried just putting a white line after the first line and it sort of worked but looked like a title, so I went with laying out who was doing what to avoid confusion.  Also tried punctuation, mainly commas, and it suggested changing the line breaks to match but I didn't like the result.

(Later)

For @milo:  I see where you're coming from, but your comment came in while I was off working with the other critiques.  This would be stronger, maybe a bit more mysterious at first, if the whole of S3 were simply cut.  As a minimum, add "her" to the beginning of S3?  Taken under advisement, and a very incisive critique.  As to why, as Sherlock said, I lack the gift of the true artist:  knowing when to stop. 

[milo]

edit;


she smiles
and feeling so relieved for her
in that warm swift moment
I must cry except
it’s gone before my tears can well

then returning terror locks
her features tight
knowing only that she cannot
understand or put a name
to anything she sees

dementia fades into
waking unconsciousness
with its peaceful smile
until unfocused mindfulness–
sight without sense–
returns in fear

not damnation
since neither deserved
nor endless

---

Thanks to both critics.  Tried to apply as much as possible from the advice without  pushing it too hard.  

For @wasellajam:  Tried just putting a white line after the first line and it sort of worked but looked like a title, so I went with laying out who was doing what to avoid confusion.  Also tried punctuation, mainly commas, and it suggested changing the line breaks to match but I didn't like the result.

(Later)

For @milo:  I see where you're coming from, but your comment came in while I was off working with the other critiques.  This would be stronger, maybe a bit more mysterious at first, if the whole of S3 were simply cut.  As a minimum, add "her" to the beginning of S3?  Taken under advisement, and a very incisive critique.  As to why, as Sherlock said, I lack the gift of the true artist:  knowing when to stop. 

yes, my comment hit at the same time as your edit.  i was putting off saying anything as I wasn't sure it added value but then I decided that you have been so generous with your own comments it made sense to at least offer what I could.

I will now read the edit a few times and see if I have anything else to offer.