Short poem

[JohnS]

This is a short poem, as yet untitled. I'm trying to get to grips with rhythm and subtle bits of ear candy. Any comments greatly appreciated. 

Contentment comes not in the catch
but in the breathless chase,
the hope that never dies.
In how we rise each time we fall,
believing something beautiful
lies beyond the next new dawn.

[rowens]

The first line unloads consonants that cut "too" soon

believing something lies
beautiful

release the 'buts'

the breathless chase, a hope
does rise and never dies


a hope to rise
and never die


Those are examples of coming to grips.

[JohnS]

The first line unloads consonants that cut "too" soon

believing something lies
beautiful

release the 'buts'

the breathless chase, a hope
does rise and never dies


a hope to rise
and never die


Those are examples of coming to grips.

Thanks for the gripping examples. Seriously, thank you for taking the time to comment, all grist to the mill.

[milo]

This is a short poem, as yet untitled. I'm trying to get to grips with rhythm and subtle bits of ear candy. Any comments greatly appreciated. 

Contentment comes not in the catch
but in the breathless chase,
the hope that never dies.
In how we rise each time we fall,
believing something beautiful
lies beyond the next new dawn.

You have some very nice sounds here.  You could almost switch to perfect meter if you wanted.  You could even make it (with very little effort) into a triolet and it has a triolet feel to it already.

It is not a new expression , per se, but it is enjoyable enough to read.

Thanks for posting

[JohnS]

This is a short poem, as yet untitled. I'm trying to get to grips with rhythm and subtle bits of ear candy. Any comments greatly appreciated. 

Contentment comes not in the catch
but in the breathless chase,
the hope that never dies.
In how we rise each time we fall,
believing something beautiful
lies beyond the next new dawn.

You have some very nice sounds here.  You could almost switch to perfect meter if you wanted.  You could even make it (with very little effort) into a triolet and it has a triolet feel to it already.

It is not a new expression , per se, but it is enjoyable enough to read.

Thanks for posting

Many thanks for your comments, Milo. I will take a look at the triolet option, it would be a challenge for sure. 
The last line of this poem was to be ..lies beyond the next sunrise. However I'd used "rise" two lines earlier so changed it, losing my lies, rise rhyme. In poetry, would the rhyme be more desirable than avoiding the word repition?

[milo]

This is a short poem, as yet untitled. I'm trying to get to grips with rhythm and subtle bits of ear candy. Any comments greatly appreciated. 

Contentment comes not in the catch
but in the breathless chase,
the hope that never dies.
In how we rise each time we fall,
believing something beautiful
lies beyond the next new dawn.

You have some very nice sounds here.  You could almost switch to perfect meter if you wanted.  You could even make it (with very little effort) into a triolet and it has a triolet feel to it already.

It is not a new expression , per se, but it is enjoyable enough to read.

Thanks for posting

Many thanks for your comments, Milo. I will take a look at the triolet option, it would be a challenge for sure. 
The last line of this poem was to be ..lies beyond the next sunrise. However I'd used "rise" two lines earlier so changed it, losing my lies, rise rhyme. In poetry, would the rhyme be more desirable than avoiding the word repition?

rhyme itself has fallen so out of fashion in modern poetry and repetition has fallin in to the point the question might be - Is it worth adding a simple rhyme to gain the benefits of repetition.  In this case, my personal opinion would be no.  I think it would detract from the read but that is just my personal opinion.

[Mark A Becker]

Hi John- suggestion, by subtraction:

Contentment comes not in the catch
but in the breathless chase. Suggest a hard stop here, so a reader can digest the lines.

We rise each time we fall The comma slows this down too much, but I like the break to the next line
believing something beautiful Maybe re-work this line, just a bit. ? Something like believing there is beauty perhaps??

beyond the next new dawn. Don't think lies added anything here.

I do like the sound of this one, yet think a bit less would be a lot more. I'm a big fan of short poems, because they require such precise word choices. I think you just about got it here.

Respectfully,
Mark

[JohnS]

Hi John- suggestion, by subtraction:

Contentment comes not in the catch
but in the breathless chase.  Suggest a hard stop here, so a reader can digest the lines.

We rise each time we fall The comma slows this down too much, but I like the break to the next line
believing something beautiful  Maybe re-work this line, just a bit. ? Something like believing there is beauty perhaps??

beyond the next new dawn. Don't think lies added anything here.

I do like the sound of this one, yet think a bit less would be a lot more. I'm a big fan of short poems, because they require such precise word choices. I think you just about got it here. 

Respectfully,
Mark

Thanks Mark.