ENGLISH

[Michael Anon]

I welled up babbling from a rainground
gurgling for my mother tongue
under skyfather blue
until I found among any-angle tangles of downstreams
a brothertongue that swelled my wordhoard.

After many wave copulations
with an insult of parlances,
and an overwhelm of loquacious coinings
I became a rhythmic river
echoing and rhyming down
till I widened into Lake Lexicon.

There I stilled a while
for the fishing of new phrases in a lingua Franca
where scriptures of river songs
were sung and passed down
to babbling babies
to begin all again.

This done
my current carried barges burdened with
tomes, testaments, letters and et ceteras
in a joyful Babel
till clogged up and bogged down in an estuary of low tidings,
chatbot verbiage, emoticons and whatever
I dragged
all down
to where all was
merged
mingled
and
petered out
into
an English sea.

Then on the incoming tide,
A bottle with a message in it.
One day someone will find it and say:
Look what I found: let me read it to you:
“I welled up babbling from a rainground …..

[alonso ramoran]

Hi Michael,

I think the concept of representing language through different bodies water is quite novel. There's a lot you can do with that, some of which is done.

I welled up babbling from a rainground
gurgling for my mother tongue After reading to the end, I'm thinking mother tongue is the sea
under skyfather blue skyfather is nice. sky is father, ocean is mother. interesting dichotomy
until I found among any-angle tangles of downstreams among any-angle doesn't sound right, esp with the hyphen.
a brothertongue that swelled my wordhoard. hmm brothertongue is one word, but mother tongue is two

I can't help but feel there should be a progression of stages in vocabulary and diction to mirror the changes in water bodies. As it reads right now, it all kinda pulls from the same experienced vocabulary and diction. On the other hand, one thing I do appreciate about this stanza is the use of compound words as it seems like something a child would playfully do. But I think this first stanza could still use some stripping back.  

After many wave copulations
with an insult of parlances,
and an overwhelm of loquacious coinings Which ones? The speaker lists these things but none of these are evident to the audience in the poem so far. It's all said in broad strokes as if they are details that the audience should not care about, while still mattering enough to the speaker to be listed in the poem. It almost sounds like this should go towards the end of the poem, which I think would be a good decision.
I became a rhythmic river "Rhythmic" left me expecting an emphasis on meter now. I was putting my faith in consistent trochees darnit
echoing and rhyming down "Rhyming"- another example of an opportunity to embody a progression of language that wasn't taken. The speaker is not in the moment, so it becomes hard for the audience to be in the moment with the speaker.
till I widened into Lake Lexicon. I think the speaker can hint at the widening into a lake and other characteristics without naming itself

There I stilled a while
for the fishing of new phrases in a lingua Franca "for" implies to me that the speaker's stilling into a lake was intentional for this purpose of fishing for new phrases. If this wasn't intended, you could rewrite as something like "fishing for new phrases in a lingua franca" and convey that the speaker is only trying to pass time. After all, i think the main purpose of the speaker was returning to its mother tongue. But if you also wanna introduce this element of the speaker getting distracted, I think that's a cool idea, but it should be done with more intention.
where scriptures of river songs love this
were sung and passed down
to babbling babies
to begin all again. hmm these last few lines kinda lose me. but that could just be my poor understanding of how water moves from river to sea. the passed down songs were rain?

This done
my current carried barges burdened with
tomes, testaments, letters and et ceteras
in a joyful Babel joyful Babel means to me a state of being able to communicate in one common language. i think it's pretty clever.
till clogged up and bogged down in an estuary of low tidings,
chatbot verbiage, emoticons and whatever very cool detail. makes me think of the tired "that's not x, it's y" chatgpt speak lol
I dragged
all down
to where all was
merged
mingled
and
petered out
into
an English sea.

Then on the incoming tide,
A bottle with a message in it.
One day someone will find it and say:
Look what I found: let me read it to you:
“I welled up babbling from a rainground ….. for this final stanza i think you have an option to either cut it or try writing it in the present tense. I'm leaning towards cutting it.

In all, my biggest piece of feedback I want to emphasize is to see if you can embody the details that your speaker lists more through the poem's diction and choice of words.

[Michael Anon]

Thank you Alonso for taking the time to read and respond to my poem  

Before I respond to your detailed suugestions I just want to clarify that the I of the poem is not water but the English language personified, that the child play was simply examples of Anglo-Saxon English and my intention was to enact the evolution of the English language? Did you get that or are we at cross purposes?


Hi Michael,

I think the concept of representing language through different bodies water is quite novel. There's a lot you can do with that, some of which is done.

I welled up babbling from a rainground
gurgling for my mother tongue After reading to the end, I'm thinking mother tongue is the sea
under skyfather blue skyfather is nice. sky is father, ocean is mother. interesting dichotomy
until I found among any-angle tangles of downstreams among any-angle doesn't sound right, esp with the hyphen.
a brothertongue that swelled my wordhoard. hmm brothertongue is one word, but mother tongue is two

I can't help but feel there should be a progression of stages in vocabulary and diction to mirror the changes in water bodies. As it reads right now, it all kinda pulls from the same experienced vocabulary and diction. On the other hand, one thing I do appreciate about this stanza is the use of compound words as it seems like something a child would playfully do. But I think this first stanza could still use some stripping back.  

After many wave copulations
with an insult of parlances,
and an overwhelm of loquacious coinings Which ones? The speaker lists these things but none of these are evident to the audience in the poem so far. It's all said in broad strokes as if they are details that the audience should not care about, while still mattering enough to the speaker to be listed in the poem. It almost sounds like this should go towards the end of the poem, which I think would be a good decision.
I became a rhythmic river "Rhythmic" left me expecting an emphasis on meter now. I was putting my faith in consistent trochees darnit
echoing and rhyming down "Rhyming"- another example of an opportunity to embody a progression of language that wasn't taken. The speaker is not in the moment, so it becomes hard for the audience to be in the moment with the speaker.
till I widened into Lake Lexicon. I think the speaker can hint at the widening into a lake and other characteristics without naming itself

There I stilled a while
for the fishing of new phrases in a lingua Franca "for" implies to me that the speaker's stilling into a lake was intentional for this purpose of fishing for new phrases. If this wasn't intended, you could rewrite as something like "fishing for new phrases in a lingua franca" and convey that the speaker is only trying to pass time. After all, i think the main purpose of the speaker was returning to its mother tongue. But if you also wanna introduce this element of the speaker getting distracted, I think that's a cool idea, but it should be done with more intention.
where scriptures of river songs love this
were sung and passed down
to babbling babies
to begin all again. hmm these last few lines kinda lose me. but that could just be my poor understanding of how water moves from river to sea. the passed down songs were rain?

This done
my current carried barges burdened with
tomes, testaments, letters and et ceteras
in a joyful Babel joyful Babel means to me a state of being able to communicate in one common language. i think it's pretty clever.
till clogged up and bogged down in an estuary of low tidings,
chatbot verbiage, emoticons and whatever very cool detail. makes me think of the tired "that's not x, it's y" chatgpt speak lol
I dragged
all down
to where all was
merged
mingled
and
petered out
into
an English sea.

Then on the incoming tide,
A bottle with a message in it.
One day someone will find it and say:
Look what I found: let me read it to you:
“I welled up babbling from a rainground ….. for this final stanza i think you have an option to either cut it or try writing it in the present tense. I'm leaning towards cutting it.

In all, my biggest piece of feedback I want to emphasize is to see if you can embody the details that your speaker lists more through the poem's diction and choice of words.

[alonso ramoran]

Thank you Alonso for taking the time to read and respond to my poem  

Before I respond to your detailed suugestions I just want to clarify that the I of the poem is not water but the English language personified, that the child play was simply examples of Anglo-Saxon English and my intention was to enact the evolution of the English language? Did you get that or are we at cross purposes?

Enacting the evolution of the english language seems like a tough task. You mean from old english to the way english is spoken today? I didn't get much of that from the poem.

What was the role of the water metaphor in the poem?

[Deor Ana Log]

I welled up babbling from a rainground
gurgling for my mother tongue
under skyfather blue
until I found among any-angle tangles of downstreams
a brothertongue that swelled my wordhoard.

I love the use of familial language of this first stanza

After many wave copulations
with an insult of parlances,
and an overwhelm of loquacious coinings
I became a rhythmic river
echoing and rhyming down
till I widened into Lake Lexicon.

Maybe expand on what Lake Lexicon means (is it a pun)?

There I stilled a while
for the fishing of new phrases in a lingua Franca
where scriptures of river songs
were sung and passed down
to babbling babies
to begin all again.

anaphor is used here, to a majorly postive effect!

This done
my current carried barges burdened with
tomes, testaments, letters and et ceteras
in a joyful Babel
till clogged up and bogged down in an estuary of low tidings,
chatbot verbiage, emoticons and whatever
I dragged
all down
to where all was
merged
mingled
and
petered out
into
an English sea.

The form of the poem looks like dragging, which expertly is matching with the content. Try to experiment with this elsewhere in the poem.

Then on the incoming tide,
A bottle with a message in it.
One day someone will find it and say:
Look what I found: let me read it to you:
“I welled up babbling from a rainground …..

Try to use quotes at the begginning of the poem as well, to make the narrative circular.

Thank you for sharing- Deor Ana Log

[Michael Anon]

 

Thank you Alonso for taking the time to read and respond to my poem  

Before I respond to your detailed suggestions I just want to clarify that the I of the poem is not water but the English language personified, that the child play was simply examples of Anglo-Saxon English and my intention was to enact the evolution of the English language? Did you get that or are we at cross purposes?

Enacting the evolution of the english language seems like a tough task. You mean from old english to the way english is spoken today? I didn't get much of that from the poem.

What was the role of the water metaphor in the poem?

Not water so much as river as a metaphor language formation, growth and development.

[alonso ramoran]

 

Thank you Alonso for taking the time to read and respond to my poem  

Before I respond to your detailed suggestions I just want to clarify that the I of the poem is not water but the English language personified, that the child play was simply examples of Anglo-Saxon English and my intention was to enact the evolution of the English language? Did you get that or are we at cross purposes?

Enacting the evolution of the english language seems like a tough task. You mean from old english to the way english is spoken today? I didn't get much of that from the poem.

What was the role of the water metaphor in the poem?

Not water so much as river as a metaphor language formation, growth and development.

So the speaker in this poem is the English language? Since the "I" is the English language personified. And how is river working as the main metaphor? Especially if in other sections of the poem the speaker seems to first refer to itself as rainwater runoff and then a lake.

[Michael Anon]

 
Enacting the evolution of the english language seems like a tough task. You mean from old english to the way english is spoken today? I didn't get much of that from the poem.

What was the role of the water metaphor in the poem?

Not water so much as river as a metaphor language formation, growth and development.

So the speaker in this poem is the English language? Since the "I" is the English language personified. And how is river working as the main metaphor? Especially if in other sections of the poem the speaker seems to first refer to itself as rainwater runoff and then a lake.

Yes the speaker in the poem is the English language and I think that's where you misunderstood the poem