Eden's sky

[Rich Brown]

Soft leather.
Breathless chants.
You cradle your bible like a dying friend.

I find you reading Genesis:
If only I could take you there.
In that garden,
I will feed you every fruit from the tree of life.
We can live forever, laughing and dancing past eternity’s gate.

Reality falls from my palm.
I stoop to pocket the universe,
just to keep one memory of you.

[busker]

Eden’s sky
is hell … why specifically would Eden’s sky be hell with or without you? It comes off as a half baked image. You started with something classically poetic - Eden’s sky - but couldn’t quite find a sky-specific image that fit.
without you.

Clouds never move,
bodies never age.
Love will never change. … these three lines are the entire poem. Good stuff.

In this garden,
I will feed you every fruit from the tree of life.
We can live forever, laughing and dancing past eternity’s gate. … a tired, unimaginative follow up to the preceding lines. 

Reality could fall from my palm,
mere street change.  …. The notion of anything abstract being “small change” is cliched, but the bigger problem is that this portion doesn’t really progress the narrative 

I’d stoop to pocket the universe
just to keep one memory of you.

… so is the memory of you mere street change or something valuable? The previous strophe and tbis one say different things. Also, a cliched Image.

Hi Rich - some promise in there, needs a bit of editing

[wasellajam]

Hi, Rich, welcome to the Pen. I'm enjoying the mix of the poems clarity and whimsy, It tells a universal story with memorable images. Some notes:

Eden’s sky
is hell
without you.
I don't thinks you need these lines, the title and the last line make this clear.

Clouds never move,
bodies never age.
Love will never change.
This is a much stronger opener for me, a place humans never get to live in.

In this garden,
I will feed you every fruit from the tree of life.
We can live forever, laughing and dancing past eternity’s gate.
I love these images, I can feel the love and joy in caring for each other and being on one path together.
I think it would be stronger without "In this garden," and "We can live forever,". You have Eden and memory.

Reality could fall from my palm, Strong image.
mere street change. It's a short poem, we know it's fantasy, for me blunt reality doesn't belong here, I'd cut this line and let palm sit nicely above stoop/pocket.

I’d stoop to pocket the universe
just to keep one memory of you. Strong emptiness in the finish.

So, I'd just give it a trim. Thanks for posting it, a keeper for me.

[Rienzi]

Will try not to repeat what's already been shared but here are some thoughts:
- "Clouds never move, bodies never age, love will never change" has a nice parallel structure but the third line breaks the logic/flow of the first two. The first two are observations about a world that's frozen, almost eerie, but "love will never change" slides into romance which is a totally register entirely and kind of muddles the message of the stanza.

- "Reality could fall from my palm, mere street change" -> my favorite moment from your poem!

- "I'd stoop to pocket the universe" almost lands as a finisher but "stoop" feels like the wrong word. Personally think it has more negative connotations than positive when the gesture you're aiming for, I assume, is more tender and loving.

[Rich Brown]

Eden’s sky
is hell … why specifically would Eden’s sky be hell with or without you? It comes off as a half baked image. You started with something classically poetic - Eden’s sky - but couldn’t quite find a sky-specific image that fit.
without you.

Clouds never move,
bodies never age.
Love will never change. … these three lines are the entire poem. Good stuff.

In this garden,
I will feed you every fruit from the tree of life.
We can live forever, laughing and dancing past eternity’s gate. … a tired, unimaginative follow up to the preceding lines. 

Reality could fall from my palm,
mere street change.  …. The notion of anything abstract being “small change” is cliched, but the bigger problem is that this portion doesn’t really progress the narrative 

I’d stoop to pocket the universe
just to keep one memory of you.

… so is the memory of you mere street change or something valuable? The previous strophe and tbis one say different things. Also, a cliched Image.

Hi Rich - some promise in there, needs a bit of editing

Thank you so much for the critique. Those are great points. I will do a rewrite keeping those in mind very soon.

---

Hi, Rich, welcome to the Pen. I'm enjoying the mix of the poems clarity and whimsy, It tells a universal story with memorable images. Some notes:

Eden’s sky
is hell
without you.
I don't thinks you need these lines, the title and the last line make this clear.

Clouds never move,
bodies never age.
Love will never change.
This is a much stronger opener for me, a place humans never get to live in.

In this garden,
I will feed you every fruit from the tree of life.
We can live forever, laughing and dancing past eternity’s gate.
I love these images, I can feel the love and joy in caring for each other and being on one path together.
I think it would be stronger without "In this garden," and "We can live forever,". You have Eden and memory.

Reality could fall from my palm, Strong image.
mere street change. It's a short poem, we know it's fantasy, for me blunt reality doesn't belong here, I'd cut this line  and let palm sit nicely above stoop/pocket.

I’d stoop to pocket the universe
just to keep one memory of you. Strong emptiness in the finish.

So, I'd just give it a trim. Thanks for posting it, a keeper for me.

Thank you so much! Bolding the critique really helps me read it easier, and the suggestions were very helpful. I will do a rewrite soon keeping those in mind!

---

Will try not to repeat what's already been shared but here are some thoughts:
- "Clouds never move, bodies never age, love will never change" has a nice parallel structure but the third line breaks the logic/flow of the first two. The first two are observations about a world that's frozen, almost eerie, but "love will never change" slides into romance which is a totally register entirely and kind of muddles the message of the stanza.

- "Reality could fall from my palm, mere street change" -> my favorite moment from your poem!

- "I'd stoop to pocket the universe" almost lands as a finisher but "stoop" feels like the wrong word. Personally think it has more negative connotations than positive when the gesture you're aiming for, I assume, is more tender and loving.

Thank you so much for the critique. I agree. I think I loose cohesion by being negative at the end. I'll have to work on this poem more and keep those things in mind.

[brynmawr1]

Soft leather and breathless chants.
You cradle your bible like a dying friend.

I find you reading Genesis wishing
I could take you there. I promise
in that garden I will feed you    comma not needed
every fruit from the tree of life.
We can live forever, laughing and dancing   will?
past eternity’s gate.

Then reality falls clattering
like pocket change; I stoop
grasping at the universe
for one memory of you.

Eden's sky
is hell
without you.

My take.

[Rich Brown]

Soft leather and breathless chants.
You cradle your bible like a dying friend.

I find you reading Genesis wishing
I could take you there. I promise
in that garden I will feed you    comma not needed
every fruit from the tree of life.
We can live forever, laughing and dancing   will?
past eternity’s gate.

Then reality falls clattering
like pocket change; I stoop
grasping at the universe
for one memory of you.

Eden's sky
is hell
without you.

My take.

Thank you for the critique. It is much appreciated.

[J.K. Solberg]

Soft leather.
Breathless chants.
You cradle your bible like a dying friend.

I find you reading Genesis:
If only I could take you there.
In that garden,
I will feed you every fruit from the tree of life.
We can live forever, laughing and dancing past eternity’s gate.

Reality falls from my palm.
I stoop to pocket the universe,
just to keep one memory of you.

Hi! I'm a Christian, so I love that you've written a poem reflecting on the Fall.  One critique I have (and question) is this: who is the "you" you are referring to?  Is it me, reader?  Is it a lover?  is God the one who wrote this poem, wanting His lost child to come back to Him?  I don't necessarily think poems have to be clear, but I am left with at least three hugely different interpretations.  Just something to think about.  I would also suggest you add a stanza that is more of a run-on sentence to juxtapose the quick, one-line-after-the-other stanzas this poem has.