New Dawn

[JohnS]

When the morning sun broke through
the smoke from the cooking fires
which lay like a blanket over the township,
the skyline of distant Johannesburg
glowed like molten gold.

Daniel stepped down from the bus,
and joined a line that snaked sinuously
towards the tin-roofed school house
sitting below the kopje,
in a field more dirt than grass.

The line shimmied forward,
as people sang and toyi-toyied,
bare feet slapping the hard-packed earth.
For hour after hour it moved,
determined,
unstoppable,
inevitable.

A sign above the door - polling station.
Daniel made his choice.
A cross - so simple to make,
so hard to win the right to make.

After, Daniel stood on the school house steps,
raised his arms and cried,
Amandla! (power)
And those in the line responded,
Awethu! (to us)

It was April 26, 1994.

[dukealien]

When the morning sun broke through
the smoke from the cooking fires could one "the" be cut here?  Not sure which.
which lay like a blanket over the township,  perhaps "on" vice "over" - might also consider ending the sentence here, or a semicolon
the skyline of distant Johannesburg
glowed like molten gold.  very effective image

Daniel stepped down from the bus,
and joined a line that snaked sinuously  see how much better "a" is here than another "the?"
towards the tin-roofed school house
sitting below the kopje,  perhaps "waiting" vice "sitting" - also, "kopje" could be italicized to indicate a non-English word
in a field more dirt than grass.  another good image, some would say cliche but it fits very well here.

The line shimmied forward,  not sure about "shimmied," something like "budged" but better?
as people sang and toyi-toyied, consider italicizing non-English words?
bare feet slapping the hard-packed earth.  cutting "the" here would give a rhythm
For hour after hour it moved,
determined,
unstoppable,
inevitable.  Another word which also has 4 syllables?  Though this is well enough.

A sign above the door - polling station.  perhaps quotes around "polling station" and perhaps capitalized
Daniel made his choice.
A cross - so simple to make,  perhaps a different word to avoid repeating "make" and its variants - "draw?"
so hard to win the right to make.  and perhaps "choose" here, though I see the point of repetition in a different sense.

After, Daniel stood on the school house steps,  again, better without "the?" Which would also emphasize that he has a lot to learn about democracy
raised his arms and cried,
Amandla! (power)  Again, foreign (to the English reader) words could (should?) be italicized for clarity
And those in the line responded,
Awethu! (to us) Could also put the words actually spoken  in double quotes, and a period is required here.

It was April 26, 1994.

Of such moments history is made - but its curve toward justice is too often misdirected.  But, to work!

In mild critique, I have some suggestions above, mostly minor.  This is well done, and that we look back on the day with regret is not for the day itself, but missed opportunities which followed.  You need not include them, of course:  This is a landmark point in time, suitably memorialized.

[JohnS]

When the morning sun broke through
the smoke from the cooking fires could one "the" be cut here?  Not sure which.
which lay like a blanket over the township,  perhaps "on" vice "over" - might also consider ending the sentence here, or a semicolon
the skyline of distant Johannesburg
glowed like molten gold.  very effective image

Daniel stepped down from the bus,
and joined a line that snaked sinuously  see how much better "a" is here than another "the?"
towards the tin-roofed school house
sitting below the kopje,  perhaps "waiting" vice "sitting" - also, "kopje" could be italicized to indicate a non-English word
in a field more dirt than grass.  another good image, some would say cliche but it fits very well here.

The line shimmied forward,  not sure about "shimmied," something like "budged" but better?
as people sang and toyi-toyied, consider italicizing non-English words?
bare feet slapping the hard-packed earth.  cutting "the" here would give a rhythm
For hour after hour it moved,
determined,
unstoppable,
inevitable.  Another word which also has 4 syllables?  Though this is well enough.

A sign above the door - polling station.  perhaps quotes around "polling station" and perhaps capitalized
Daniel made his choice.
A cross - so simple to make,  perhaps a different word to avoid repeating "make" and its variants - "draw?"
so hard to win the right to make.  and perhaps "choose" here, though I see the point of repetition in a different sense.

After, Daniel stood on the school house steps,  again, better without "the?" Which would also emphasize that he has a lot to learn about democracy
raised his arms and cried,
Amandla! (power)  Again, foreign (to the English reader) words could (should?) be italicized for clarity
And those in the line responded,
Awethu! (to us) Could also put the words actually spoken  in double quotes, and a period is required here.

It was April 26, 1994.

Of such moments history is made - but its curve toward justice is too often misdirected.  But, to work!

In mild critique, I have some suggestions above, mostly minor.  This is well done, and that we look back on the day with regret is not for the day itself, but missed opportunities which followed.  You need not include them, of course:  This is a landmark point in time, suitably memorialized.

Thank you for the thoughtful critique, I'll certainly look at incorporating your suggestions.