There Are Less Butterflies Now

[sodatabbed]

I wish I had more memories of nature to draw upon
But there are less butterflies now
And it was too hot to go outside.
As a child, I chose
Binoculars and a microscope as my prize
For all those long days
Doing math problems indoors
With these instruments in my hands,
I looked about,
and realized I had nothing around me with which to make music.
I sat back down in my chair
And continued reading notes instead,
As my tongue prodded the gap in my gums,
Where a tooth used to be.

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Hello everyone, this is my first time posting in the Pen (and in fact, my first presenting a poem to critique, period). I chose a smaller one to start out, and posted here in the Basic Critique Forum since I'm a beginner to all this, but please feel free to critique as thoroughly as you like if you have the time to spare! I'm eager to learn and improve.

[RiverNotch]

I wish I had more memories of nature to draw upon
But there are less butterflies now Maybe "Since" rather than "But".
And it was too hot to go outside.
As a child, I chose
Binoculars and a microscope as my prize
For all those long days
Doing math problems indoors Missing a period here.
With these instruments in my hands,
I looked about, Considering the last four lines, I suggest:

With these instruments in my hands,
I jumped up,
Looked about,

and realized I had nothing around me with which to make music. This line is too prosaic. Overlong, could be a more compelling image, and so on.
I sat back down in my chair
And continued reading notes instead,
As my tongue prodded the gap in my gums,
Where a tooth used to be. For those last four lines, I suggest:

I sat back down in my chair
And returned to my notes
While my tongue prodded
The gap in my gums
Where a tooth used to be.

Everything but that one too-prosaic line is pretty strong, I think, especially because it's so simple.

[JohnS]

I wish I had more memories of nature to draw upon
But there are less butterflies now 
And it was too hot to go outside.
As a child, I chose
Binoculars and a microscope as my prize
For all those long days
Doing math problems indoors
With these instruments in my hands,
I looked about,
and realized I had nothing around me with which to make music.
I sat back down in my chair
And continued reading notes instead,
As my tongue prodded the gap in my gums,
Where a tooth used to be.

---

Hello everyone, this is my first time posting in the Pen (and in fact, my first presenting a poem to critique, period). I chose a smaller one to start out, and posted here in the Basic Critique Forum since I'm a beginner to all this, but please feel free to critique as thoroughly as you like if you have the time to spare! I'm eager to learn and improve.

I believe it should be "fewer" butterflies. 
Capital letters at the beginning of each line (except one) is a bit confusing, although I realise this form is often used. 
I'm not too sure what the poem is expressing. The reference to fewer butterflies seems irrelevant, you could go from the first line to "but it was too hot etc...." Unless there is some significance I'm completely missing.
Seems to be a good poem in here but, to my simple mind, the meaning is obscure.
Write on!

[busker]

I wish I had more memories of nature to draw upon
But there are less butterflies now ... as JohnS says, it should be 'fewer'. Also holds true for the title.
And it was too hot to go outside.  ... the first three lines are excellent. In hindsight, 'it was too hot' sounds like a lost opportunity.
As a child, I chose
Binoculars and a microscope as my prize
For all those long days
Doing math problems indoors  ... I love how the child chose being outside as the prize for working hard indoors. I'm personally not a fan of the 'math problem' part as it has the whiff of maths bashing, but it works quite well for the poem. Maybe replacing 'math problems' with some form of 'homework' might make it more universal, at least for those that love maths. But that's just my personal preference.
With these instruments in my hands,
I looked about,
and realized I had nothing around me with which to make music.  ... I didn't understand this line. What does making music have to do with memories of nature?
I sat back down in my chair
And continued reading notes instead,
As my tongue prodded the gap in my gums,
Where a tooth used to be.  ... the last two lines are wonderful

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Hello everyone, this is my first time posting in the Pen (and in fact, my first presenting a poem to critique, period). I chose a smaller one to start out, and posted here in the Basic Critique Forum since I'm a beginner to all this, but please feel free to critique as thoroughly as you like if you have the time to spare! I'm eager to learn and improve.

Hi Sodat - this is an excellent poem. Kudos.