To Vesper

[alonso ramoran]

To Vesper


Can you recall our words on sand
if you are not so desolate?
If our blood drummed that edge of land,
can you recall our words on sand?
The tides drawn by a full moon's hand,
figures called us in at sunset.
Can you recall our words on sand
if you are not so desolate?

[matsunosuperfan]

To Vesper


Can you recall our words on sand
if you are not so desolate?
If our blood drummed that edge of land,
can you recall our words on sand?
The tides drawn by a full moon's hand,
figures called us in at sunset.
Can you recall our words on sand
if you are not so desolate?

A fine use of form. The cyclic nature of the questions mirrors the ruminative content. I really like L5 and L6 where the play with subject/verb is enticingly disorienting. The only thing that gives me pause is "if you are not so desolate," which seems an awkward/ungainly construction in a less helpful way.

[matsunosuperfan]

maybe, "you who are not so desolate" ?