jersey

[shady]

i got hurt in jersey. dirty jersey. my body is a map of jersey; it erodes and grows--environmental changes. from a little girl wearing a jersey on an earthy grass pitch, to a taller girl in a treatment facility in dover, new jersey. and i wasn't born in jersey but raised here. here in jersey i had lemonade stands, finished grade school, and tasted my first bitterly-sweet drop of liquor.

my body is a map of jersey. not flat, not moutainous. my voice--route 22--fast, nonstop; my hair october leaves. my tears and emotions the jersey shore, salty and a little bit sweet.

jerseys got a bad rep, mean, blunt, beat. condemnation prior to consideration because jerseys the place to be. she's not perfect--thunder claps--she falls not strong nor tall. but wind blows and waves smack sand, retrieving her after all.

my body is a map of jersey, dirty, hurt, and beautiful; from a little girl to a taller one, seasons, roads, wind, and waves, i am jersey through and through.

[matsunosuperfan]

i got hurt in jersey. dirty jersey. my body is a map of jersey; it erodes and grows--environmental changes. from a little girl wearing a jersey on an earthy grass pitch, to a taller girl in a treatment facility in dover, new jersey. and i wasn't born in jersey but raised here. here in jersey i had lemonade stands, finished grade school, and tasted my first bitterly-sweet drop of liquor.

my body is a map of jersey. not flat, not moutainous. my voice--route 22--fast, nonstop; my hair october leaves. my tears and emotions the jersey shore, salty and a little bit sweet.

jerseys got a bad rep, mean, blunt, beat. condemnation prior to consideration because jerseys the place to be. she's not perfect--thunder claps--she falls not strong nor tall. but wind blows and waves smack sand, retrieving her after all.

my body is a map of jersey, dirty, hurt, and beautiful; from a little girl to a taller one, seasons, roads, wind, and waves, i am jersey through and through.

I think this is a really strong conceit. the speaker takes us through their associations with jersey as a way of mapping out the self. what I found really effective is the way this creates just enough narrative distance, so the speaker can jump around and say pithy, Significant things and it doesn't feel overbearing because we have the figuration of the conceit as a buffer for what might otherwise be too much unqualified confessional frankness. 

I was more excited by the first stanza than the second (as it were - next draft should probably do more intentional things with shape), I think because the action toward the end starts to feel a bit expected, as do some of the images. "tears... salty and a little bit sweet" seems like the kind of gesture that doesn't add much, other than a sense of "ok, sure." 

there are some moments of syntax play that I found quite provocative and wouldn't mind a bit more of, like "my hair October leaves" (great stuff). a very promising draft, IMO.